Cowboys, Indians, and Uno Mexican

Once again, it's been awhile, bet ya thought I abanonded the blog (hell, I almost thought I did). I've been busy, activities including but not limited to: going to a pampered chef party where two people either had or still did sell herbals, making ham (we had so much ham I started feeding it to the cats, turns out it makes their coats really shiny!), having my car break down in an 8 inch blizzard, playing poker, contemplating a move, finding a surprise cache of Heavy Metal magazine (SRSLY, ITS PORN-ALIEN-VIOLENCE comic.. what more could one want to put in their bathroom?), seeing Joel McHale live (his standup is much better than his show, The Soup), losing my wallet then having a creepy guy return it (YAY, HE NOW KNOWS WHERE I LIVE!), and last but not least going to an underage party where Timmy and Pandafrank and I had to school some whippersnappers about drinking games. That was a helluva run on sentence that left me breathless.


Landon has come up with a new drink recipe: "The Landini" - 1/3 part boonesfarm + 2/3 boxed wine. Side note: when you put it in a Vitamin water bottle it blends in and you can take it to bowling, on the bus, or chinese buffet. I know this for a fact.

Most recently was Lisa and Ashley's Cowboy and Indian party. Landon went rogue and decided to dress as a mexican, perhaps it gave him and edge, as we were an undefeated team in beer pong. Timmy almost wore a headset & tunic and was going to give out tech support all night, but no, this party was referring to the casino, fire-water Indians. Eventually the jello shots caught up to me and had me technicolor puking in the sink. Unfortunately, it did NOT have a garbage disposal, so I had to pick out the chunk of carrots and cocktail weiners. I'll just leave this slideshow here with intentions of returning with some other (probably alcohol fueled) adventure.

Protesters, Wizards, and Truth Or Dare

Such a crazygoodtime weekend I don't even know where to begin! Friday night Pfrank, Timmy and I played guitar hero downstairs at Marc's. It ended with Pandafrank almost getting a handy j from a larger girl, and me waking up with Marc's cat eating my hair. Turns out I knocked over a table that night, so there was a fun mess of broken glass, rocks, and soil to clean up

Saturday I got to be inconvenienced by protesters. Also, it was Kevin's birthday/Harry Potter party. That's one of the many things I love about the gays, not only do they recycle, redecorate, and smell great, but they throw costume parties. And really, what's better than a bunch of drunk wizards? I went balls to the wall with my costume (which was even awesomer when I busted in the liquor store in full garb), and loaned my extra cape (BECAUSE WHY WOULDN'T I HAVE TWO CAPES?) to Timmy. We went down there with Ellen and Pj, and when we arrived, everyone was already hammered. We worked hard to catch up, and shot of the Dr Macgillicuddies helped. Not only did I get asked to be a surrogate mother (don't I need to stop drinking for that? I can't blame 'em, I do have spectacular Irish genetics!), but we played a rousing game of truth or dare. It involved, but was not limited to, me giving Melissa a lap dance, Raleigh running around the culdesac naked, Timmy making shadow puppets with his wiener and two of the straight boys making out.

Sunday I had more adventures, as I rode the bus for the first time on the way to retrieve my car from Ellen and Pj's house. Turns out a lot of "interesting" people ride the bus. We entertained them all, with our McDonald's cups full of white russians and stories from the night before.

More like Strawberry Tallcake

I’ve been absolutely horrid about updating this thing, but it’s certainly not for lack of good times! Halloween, I still managed to hit three parties (one of which Landon hosted at our house), despite recovering from a cold I picked up while in Florida the week before. I didn’t stay at the party at my house for very long, and eventually Timmy’s party started to die down, so we took the entire thing to Kremlin.

They welcomed us with open arms, possibly because I came bearing a Tupperware full of jello shots, and a jug of punch leftover from Timmy’s. There was a keg of hard cider, sushi, and a snake present. All the makings for a fabulous party; just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, a multi- leg amputee showed up. He happened to be wearing the same costume (sort of ) as Spam… Welcome Matt! Turns out this dude likes being walked on by cute girls in heels. Of course I HAD to participate in those hijinks. This guy thanked me profusely, and was quite polite. Made me want to consider trying to find a dominatrix to apprentice for as a side gig, but I figure I should probably stay away from the sex worker industry if possible.

My costume, sweet Strawberry Shortcake, was not only enough to get some leers at the grocery store when I wore it in there, but it got two guys to offer to drive me and like 8 other people back to Timmy’s. Now that’s a quality accomplishment!

Warmin' Up the House

We are gonna need to rewind a little bit here… I got backed up, and I still haven’t explained the gloriousness that was my housewarming. After a couple reschedules, Jason, Landon and I ran around like lunatics cleaning, and hiding all of our good liquor in preparation. I had decided rather than have a bunch of food, we should probably just have liquor (if they needed food, they could go across the street to one of the many restaurants). I made what I like to call “Donkey Punch”, and it has Limeade, maraschino cherries, an unfathomable amount of vodka, raspberry sherbet, 7 Up, and 5 hour energy. It was guaranteed to get you fucking drunk and keep you awake for the entire night.

My main goal of the evening was to keep the donkey punch flowing and keep people off the roof. We as a household may go out there, but dumbasses at the party I didn’t trust to not fall off (or at least not to sue me if they fell off, which is just as important, if not more).

Jason had brought home a large pirate flag, but we felt it was best not to draw attention to our house when we threw a party, so unfortunately it did not fly proudly. However, we did cover one kitchen wall with a paperbag and attach markers for people to write fun things on; because we are classy folks, we didn’t have string, so we used dental floss (which came in handy after the brownies Timmy made that um had some stems and whatnot in them). The best thing added to the wall was "cock juggling thundercunts," courtesy of Jessi, a quote from Parker Posey.

We are already discussing our next theme for the party… We were considering having a “flashlight and ski mask party” just to freak out the neighbors, but we definitely don’t want to combine it with our Fantastic Fall Frying Festival. Deep frying a bunch of shit in the dark seems like a bad idea.

Jello Shots For AIDS!

Once again, it's another weekend-O-debauchery post from me. I don't particularly like doing only drunken shenanigan posts (I prefer to break them up a little with some scornful rantings), but I've been busy with work and I know that's all you bastards come here for anyway (that and the possibility I might post a topless pic).

Friday I was driven to drink early after getting the most expensive picture taken. I saw a guy in a lobster hat, so naturally, I wanted a picture with it. Unfortunately, the guy took this as an opportunity to tell me about how his brain aneurysm brought him a relationship with The Lord. Fun stuff, too bad Legos and I are both staunch atheists. We ended what seemed like a jamillion year long conversation with letting him know about Cthulhu's love.

Anyway, so by the time we got to Speedracer at the Imax theatre, I was solidly shitcanned. A few factors led me to my next move; once I realized how campy the movie was (and I would NOT be seeing Christina Ricci's boobs), added to the fact I had never seen the cartoon (thus had no appreciation for it) I decided to have a bit of a nap. It sure beats having seizures like Japanese kids.

Saturday the gays threw an 80's themed party. It was partially Bill's birthday, and partially to raise money for the AIDS walk that they are doing next weekend. I made jello shots that we sold; our slogan was: "Shlurp for a cure." When Timmy caught me stealing jello shots, he told me that it was my fault there wasn't a cure yet. Here he is as a bearded Marty McFly:
We had a raffle too, one of the super sweet things that was being raffled off was this cape. Fortunately, Bill won it, so it will stay in the family and he said he now plans to wear it to pride.
There was a kissing booth, which they forced me into, even though the majority of the people there were gay guys.

I think my outfit was definitely "win". The gold stretch pants with stirrups were the pinnacle of 80's awesomeness. I had to modify the neon ball-bustin' blazer with extra shoulder pads I ripped out of another blazer at Savers. Fuck them, I did them a favor, getting rid of those. I topped off my outfit with gold bangles, gellies (christ, apparently they are coming back in style, and I felt like a giant tool buying them at Urban Outfitters yesterday) and teasing the fuck out of my hair and then adding a side ponytail. I think I looked cute enough to spank the "facts of life" out of. Thanks to Chelsea's craftyness, there was a sweet cigarette-girl tray to sell my jello shots in. Nothing like a good cause to make boozing seem like an even better idea!

Nose Fisting and Overindulgence in Jello Shots

Normally I try to keep posts brief, but sometimes a weekend of awesomeness is too much to be contained in a few paragraphs; so bear with me. Friday we made smores in the park. FYI- hot marshmallows feel like napalm. Saturday was a whirlwind, with me rushing back to Uptown to make over 100 jello shots at Hart’s house (these were significantly stronger than the last weekend's.. so much so the steam coming off of them burned my eyes). During the process, I slammed three Guinness in preparation for going to the museum for the “Deadly Medicine” exhibit with the gays. Granted, all of the Jew anhilation was a buzzkill, but Nazi douchebaggery is best dulled by chemicals.


















Before we saw that part of the museum, we looked at the displays about different viruses, immune systems etc… FYI- West Nile Virus is pretty (I felt like I could hollow it out and make a nice vase and/or bong) and I learned not to open the little door that on the asian girl’s face—she sneezes out water; Gross. Fisting the giant nose was probably the highlight of my science museum excursion.


















After the museum I had just enough time to run home, change, eat some mac n cheese and run next door. Calvin Crustitron made this awesome shot concoction he called "strip and go nakeds", with half OJ, half midori, and then a shot of beer. The highlight of the party is when someone brought swords; hilarity ensued. Once midnight rolled around, it was officially 420, we celebrated in the little room painted black with the glow in the dark stars. I used a new variation of my jello shot recipe, and I’ll admit they snuck up on me. Some people’s mediums are clay or paint… mine is jello, and I definitely refined my craft this weekend. Eventually, the room started to spin, and I was grateful I wasn’t on the roof with some of the others. It was indeed time to stumble next door to home.


I woke up fully clothed (including my boots), dried jello in my hair, and a headache (that’s a real shocker). A text message at 9:30am from someone who knows me better than I’d like to admit: “The good lord says it must be time for wake and bake.” My response: “The lord knows his shit!” Landon and I went to chinee buffet, and then met Hart, Jason, Troy and the chick he brought with him at Stella’s rooftop for two-4-one blue moons. Being the classy fellows that they were, they came in with a stack of 12 Uptown bar glasses that they had partially purchased and partially stolen. It was a chore trying to keep the staff from clearing the Uptown Bar glasses instead of just theirs. Some random guy came up and asked me what my shirt said and when I told him “If I had balls, they’d be bigger than yours” he said “ok, now I’m going to walk away emasculated.”

We went back to Jason and Hart’s to finish up the 25 or so jello shots left and to celebrate 420 while watching Superbad. We were going to get out on the roof and scream at people walking by, but I’m glad we thought better of it. Jason had told me that if I could sneak-thieve an Uptown bar glass from them and get it home, it was mine. That sounded like a challenge to me. So, Jason, I know you read this, and if you hadn't already noticed your count was off, now you know... I GOT ONE!

It was the kind of weekend that caused me to take and extra helping of vitamins and go to bed last night at 9:30.