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So I spent the holiday in Austin, MN, which is the home to not only Lawyerman’s family, but to Hormel… Unfortunately, one of Hormel’s biggest products is spam, and they have many processing plants there, so the entire town reeks of spam. It is legitimately vile.
His family is so big (his dad had 9 brothers and sisters, the majority of them having children and grandchildren), they rent a church to hold the main dinner. I have made it my mission the past few years to rearrange the ‘last supper’ figurines to where they are performing various sex acts upon each other, except for Judas who is servicing a donkey.
They always have a hippy handholding thing before it’s time to eat, and it always takes more time to get the 70 or so people into a circle than it does to do the actual prayer. But I’ve used this to my advantage, and always make sure I am in the part of the circle by the kitchen so I am one of the first to hit the buffet, before the obese relatives eat all of the cheesy mashed potatoes.
I never know quite who to hang out with, the people around my age or the generation before them that is Lawyerman’s age. I usually go for his relatives that are my age, because all of the people his age don’t quite take me seriously because of the 15 year age difference, or their fondness for his beast of an ex wife (who should be thankful I’ve never given her a kick in the cunt). Despite the change in my living arrangements, no one gave me any shit, possibly because they liked my pumpkin cheesecake so well.
I was talking to LM’s white gangsta’ cousin that sports a Justin Timberlake hat, and I was asking who some of the people I didn’t recognize were, and him and some of the other cousin’s conferred that they might be randoms, who saw the feast (one large enough to feed an Afrikaan nation) through the window. The family is so ginormous that not everyone knows everyone else’s name, and wouldn’t flat out ask a person how they are related. So I think if I ever don’t have plans for the holidays, I’ll just start crashing people’s large Thanksgiving celebrations.
I ended up playing poker with one of the 80 year old aunts, who I wasn’t quite sure if she was cheating or just senile, but I was too drunk on pinot noir to care. I don’t usually drink wine, but any port in a storm, right? His family is pretty hardcore Norwegian, as are many indigenous Minnesota families, and I was thankful they served lefsa and NOT lutefisk, which smells worse than spam ever could.
Anyone with an email address is familiar with the bombardment of sexually related spam. One of my favorites is the Penis Cream/Pill that would make my schlong get three inches bigger. Well HOT DAMN! Does that mean if I took three doses, I would have a nine inch cock? Actually, I think if I was a guy, I would probably have a huge dick. I figure, I’m tall and have long arms and legs, with decent sized feet, I would probably be packing AT LEAST an 8 incher. I’ve always thought I would whip it out at inappropriate times, smack girls in the face with it, and pee on people’s shoes who angered/annoyed me.
Another type of favorite spam of mine to receive is from cam whores. They are always so enthusiastic, barely legal, willing to do ANYTHING!!!!!! and usually have slutty friends who want to “experiment”. I’ve been disappointed lately, that they aren’t as hot as they once were. Especially on myspace; back in the day, they was this smokin’ asian chick who wanted to be my friend. I don’t see much of her or the Russian girl with poor spelling but a killer rack. Sadly, now it’s all blonde bimbos, one of which has a chancre on her lip. I deny that friend request.
Weight loss drugs are also a common form of spam. Anyone who believes magical pills can help them slough off the weight they’ve spent a lifetime putting on, deserve to lose their money. Anyway, I once responded to one of the advertisements, asking how quickly I would lose the weight if I crushed it up and snorted it. I never got an answer back. I guess it didn’t work for Anna Nicole, so I should probably let go of my delusions.
When I took over for my predecessor, all of her work emails were dumped into my work account, just in case someone emailed her about something that I would need to take care of. Unfortunately, she had been using her work email for personal shit, and was a hardcore christer. Which meant I interited Jesus Spam. It might just be my least favorite spam. There is no nudity, they always want me to feed starving children (I know, what a buzzkill when I’m trying to eat my 8 dollar sandwich), and they use scripture verses to attempt to guilt me into buying porcelain figurines of Jesus and his homies. Not cool. So I started forwarding my porn and dick enhancing spam to them. The emails stopped with the quickness.
