Why I Hate my New BlackBerry Pearl

Now, my last flippy phone was pretty basic, and it didn't have a full keyboard, so I would multiple hit the keys to select the letter. However, I had gotten quite quick at this and was able to do it quickly and while doing almost any other task. When I got my new phone this week (along with my Florida number, WHEEEE! I FEEL LIKE A RESIDENT AGAIN! Now all I need to do is start selling oranges on the side of the road in a bikini and scamming the elderly!), I thought all of the fun bells and whistles and ability to stalk people on facebook from my phone would be cool. Not so much. It's a burden that is eating away at my soul, and this is why:

• it's harder to text and drive, so I'm constantly running off the road and scaring tourists
• it lights up like a goddamn christmas tree, so NO stealth texting at work under my desk now
• it doesnt take pictures of female impersonators very clearly when they move fast (I missed some magical trannytastic moments at the cabaret show at L'Olivier in Ybor city friday; I blame the blackerry and not the martinis).
• it's ambiguous as to whether it's plugged in and charging. See, I dont fucking need to have my phone go dead on me. If my car breaks down, I need to be able to use my phone before I get eaten by a gator, or my skin burns off from being out in the sun.
  
• the text messages dont flow conversationally, so when trying to find a specific message, I'm forced to sort through the other bajillion text messages I've sent
• it didnt recognize profanity or racial slurs for the first few days, which really cause my texting time to almost double

Your cell phone provider trying to get you to take a blackberry pearl? DONT FALL FOR THEIR DARK MAGIC! It's a trap, much like the trannys at cabaret... it looks like a good idea, but you'll just end up getting an unpleasent surprise.

Nothin' like packing all of your shit into a saturn and blowin town!

Man, I do love reader responses... The longer I go without writing anything the more colorful they are:

"I heard you have aids, true?"


Goddamn right I have aids! FULL BLOWN IN FACT!!11!one!!


No, not really. I've just been busy, OH RIGHT, MOVING ACROSS THE FUCKING COUNTRY AND RE-ESTABLISHING MYSELF.

That's gone well by the way. Had an awesome GTFO luau (yes, it's on the list to get to) that involved a captains hat, booze filled pinata, a dublin shiv, and schoolies. And that's just for starters! The 1,500 mile, 26 hour straight through drive down to Florida from Minnesota wasn't a particularly funsies one, but it could've been entirely worse (only had to mcguyver up my car once with zip ties). By the time we actually got to Fla, Illinois, Tennessee, and Georgia were missing shot glasses from gas stations. Except the one, which came from an eating establishment inside a barn "The Hen House;" thought it was so fucking classy I got a T-shirt (an indigestion, but that just made me feel more like a trucker.)

So today marks my two week anniversary of being in the state, and I can legitimately say there are more scaryass spiders here than I remember. Oh, and even more disturbing is my creeper. I was just minding my own business, in my big ol empty ouse with a pool, burning my boobs in an effort to reduce tan lines, and I hear some shit in the bushes. WHAT THE FUCK?! Now yes, it could be an animal because it's a wooded area, HOWEVER--

Fast forward to last night, I get home from work before going to Carrabas to meet my dad and his new girlfriend (the old one got kicked out on thurs for being lippy); this one bought me dinner as opposed to the old one who just bought me a jug of wine, so combined with her being younger I think it's an overall trade up... However, I'm getting off topic here...

Anyway, I get home to find two large panel screens ripped open and what looked like to be vomited up meat on my patio. WHAT A TREAT!!! Fortunately, Uncle Ted came over to investigate, and I have a gun now, so I feel much better about whatever is in my patio. Whether it is some leering masturbating fiend, or just a big ass animal, I'm almost kind of hoping they bust back in the patio, so I can blast them in the face. Hell, I'm considering doing moar topless sunbathing just to lure him out.

Life is good, and I'm excited about going to see UFC this weekend. Also, I definitely see some shootin' up of Gramma's orange grove next door in my future for target practice. Enjoy the slideshow, it's part of the good times fla has bestowed upon me so far.