Thursday, February 28, 2008
My knee has healed enough where I can hit the elliptical early in the morning to some Rage Against the Machine; I'm sure my neighbors love that shit at 6 am, but FUCK THEM because they have LOUD DISGUSTING SEX at all hours of the day. And it's not like I'm hating on them having the sex (because I like to get laid as much as the next young, liquored up chick), but they are gross looking. If they were super hot, that would be entirely acceptable.
Anyway, I'm rambling, but that's ok, because I am pre-drinking to get ready to go out. So, I leave you all with this (thanks to TheWurx). Be careful folks, you could get it too!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
The Scuba Adventures’(the company that took him out), website promises the opportunity to get “face to face” with sharks. Well what a golden fucking opportunity! Hell, while were getting face to face with nature, how about covering ourselves in antelope blood and running around in a cage of lions? Well, Mr. Markus Groh certainly had his “unique shark trip;” I wonder if they still ran his credit card and charged him for it?
At first I wasn’t sure who was more of a douchebag, the dead guy or the company. Then I realized that because this guy was paying for them to do this, he was the ultimate douchebag. It doesn’t even sound like a remotely good idea on their website: "consequently, there will be food in the water at the same time as the divers. Please be aware that these are not 'cage' dives, they are open water experiences." I think anyone who finds that an awesome idea, save for maybe the croc hunter types (because that’s stupidity at it’s most entertaining!), deserves to get their ass bit by a shark, otherwise their stupidity will just continue to run rampant, unchecked.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Positive evidence for not stopping was when on Friday, I got ready for all you can eat FREE shrimp at Stella’s by having some herbal essence. We walked down, and I will say this, there was an ugly, middle aged, overweight woman (reeking of liquid butter and overall dissatisfaction with her life) who was standing by the bowl of fried shrimp, just shoveling shit on her plate, and then she gave me a bunch of shit when I tried to get some with the other set of grabbers. Fucking greedy bitch, BUuuut because I was a little more chilled out than usual I just smiled and was patient. I could’ve punched her in the throat like I did the last chick that fucked with me, but I did have plans later that night and I did not want to go to jail.
This positive was negated by when on the way back home, Landon warned me about this huge patch of ice, but there was this girl walking towards us with this tacky skirt (the best way to describe it is if someone ate a clown wig and then threw it up in the shape of paisleys), and because she was large, there was so much more skirt to appreciate so I was entranced. Next thing I know, I’m looking up at Landon from the ground. My knee instantly turned black/blue. Looks hot, doesn’t it?
More to remind me why I quit smoking was when I was looking at my hair, and noticed a silver hair (oddly enough, it’s straight too), and then I got paranoid (hmm, wonder why?) that I was aging overly fast. Landon thought it was hilarious, because he started going silver when he was 19. I made him come with me to Liquor Lyles that afternoon for some two-for-one’s, to make the pain lessen. I ended up forgetting my card at the bar and even though we went back and I got it, it legitimately sucked. I could deal with losing my keys and my phone around the apartment, but that’s just too much.
So there you have it… I think I’m tapping out of any greenery, and I’m taking ginko bilboa to offset any short term memory loss so I don’t forget this time.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Moving right along, I’ve seen this meme going around, about what our 10 commandments would be. What an apropos time to do it!
- Thou shall not attempt to parallel park if one cannot do it in 30 seconds or less. I swear to fucking tap dancing Christ if I see one more dumb ass block the street for 7 min while trying to parallel park, I will throw my latte at him. THAT’S 7 PRECIOUS MINUTES YOU’RE THEIVING FROM MY HAPPY HOUR!!!! If you can’t parallel park, either don’t come into the city or pay to park.
- Thou shall not chew ice in the movie. Not only is it bad for your teeth, it annoys the piss out of me. I hope all of your teeth fall out because you do not deserve to have them. Hey, all the better to give gum jobs with!
- Thou shall not mix my drink poorly and then give me a nasty look when I top it off from the ketel one in my flask.
- Thou shall not use “Candle in the Wind” for anymore dead celebrities (this is mainly directed towards Elton John); why not write a new song when Princess Di kicked it? Especially if they were such good friends. Even if she was a stranger, recycling death songs is sick. Dear Sir Elton John, please remove the lance from your ass. I think when Britany Spears dies her song will be “Goodbye Skanky Whore”
- Thou shall not use dissolving Listerine whitening strips. The jism-like substance on the back of your teeth moves to the roof of your mouth, and you end up looking like a dog with peanut butter in its mouth.
- Thou shall not let thy whores drink my booze (this is mainly directed at Landon). It hasn’t happened yet, but lets not let it, and we’ll get along nice.
- If you are in the far left lane, thy peddle must meet thy metal. Thou shall not try to block me from passing by speeding up. You are in a 4 cylinder, I am not. You will not win anything other than my scorn.
- Thou shall not use the word “stat” unless you have a medical degree. If I hear one more person at Caribou say they need their chai “STAT” I’m going to throw the scalding liquid in their face.
- Thou shall not worship Brangelina offspring.
- Thou shall not panhandle in front of the bar. Unless you are the guy by Williams with one leg that has a hilarious sign that says “I’m on my last leg, please help,” but it was kind of a falsehood because he wasn’t standing, he was sitting on the ground.
UPDATE: it seems there is one I need to add: If hair grows from thy facial mole, ye shall pluck it every fortnight.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
With the problems following the republican party, it makes me wonder, do they pick these assholes up in a gay bar before nominating them? With such shining examples as Larry Craig (come one, why in my city? At least George Michael had the decency to keep his bathroom shenanigans in California), and Mark Foley electronically pedo-feeling up one of his male pages, I don’t get why the Republicans are so anti-homosexual rights. It just reinforces my opinion that the most homophobic people are usually the ones who secretly want to be gay.
Do they think that by denying open homosexuals their rights that it will make the members of their party any less covetous of cock in their ass? But it’s like that riddle ‘which came first, the chicken or the egg..’ where maybe they think if they give homosexuals equal rights that more Republicans will come out of the closet. Hell, I think that there would be less scandals if they could just be open about it.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
She says she did the photo shoot because she was a huge fan of Marilyn Monroe, but I’m pretty sure she did the shoot and agreed to get nekkid so easily in a last ditch effort to stay relevant. Yes, I understand she did the ragingly successful Herbie movie, but her fame was never because of her career, and people were starting to hesitate in hiring her. And now that she is ‘sober’ (we’ll see… I give it 6 months before she’s snorting something off of Paris’ hipbone), she can’t be a tabloid disaster, what else does she really have to offer us than some naked pics? Good move, Lindsey, probably your best one as of yet. Now get out there and make a sex tape and then your career will REALLY take off (p.s. make sure it’s in that green night vision lighting that they use to catch illegals hopping the border).
So, what I can’t figure out is who will like these pictures the most? Old men who had a boner for Marilyn Monroe? Pedophiles who watched her in the Parent Trap? Her creepy dad that’s always hanging around and trying to hold her hand? Hmmm… it’s really a toss up.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Friday night I wasn't even planning on going out because I had been out almost every night during the week, but then Hart called and said that him, his brother, and Calvin Crustitron were going out. I managed to get myself together and walk next door, and after a few shots of sambuca we went to Old Chicago. Some of my favorite staff was working there, and they always take care of me and whomever I'm with. Happy hour ended so we went Green Mill cause it's so near home for us. Unfortunately it was crowded, so Calvin starts chatting up some large black ladies with the other half of their table free. They got to be thicker than theives. We left to go back to Hart's house for more drinking and Guitar Hero, but he stayed behind to hang out with our tablemates.
Saturday I hit the elliptical extra hard and sweated it out. Some people Calvin Crustitron and Hart went to school with in Red Wing were throwing a party. House parties are when I'm in my element, this one was no exception. I am also proud to report they taught me a new drinking game. Booze Pong; yes it's much like beer pong, but we were playing on their hardwood floor and we had mini basketball hoops behind us. If you touched the other teams backboard, it was worth 2 drinks, for any of the four cups in front that was 3 drinks, and if you made it in the basket, 4 drinks. Also there was a sudden death colander in the middle that making it into would require the other team to finish their entire drink. After some of this, Hart decided he was back to his old wrestling days, and started tackling people. I think this is how I ended up with some of my U.D.I's.
Hmm, well I guess that wraps it up. I think I should probably go eat more vitamins.
Friday, February 15, 2008
This first item was sent to me by Buzzardbilly. It’s perfect for the boozy woman out on the town, who wants to get shitfaced, yet still be safe. Not only is it a cane to help keep you steady so you don’t fall down, but with a solid brass handle you could give someone a serious beat down if they tried to fuck with you. The best part is with the corked flask in the center, that pops open with the handle is removed. I don’t know how I could go wrong with this, it’s the ultimate accessory for a classy burgeoning alcoholic.The second awesome thing that was brought to my attention was that Guinness has a proposition to make St Patrick’s Day a ‘real’ holiday. Being 100% Irish, I don’t think I can fully express the ginormous boner I have for this. It would officially allow us to express our Irishness (and believe me, I have a metric ass ton of it), and would be a way for non-Irish people to commemorate St. Patrick, who was legitimately an amazing guy. Frankly, I don’t know if I would have the stones to drive a bunch of snakes out of Ireland, but this guy did. So, go to the site, and sign the petition; even if you aren’t Irish, would you REALLY turn down an extra day off of work? It only takes a couple of minutes.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
1. don't put that you are trying to "turn your life around." that makes everyone assume you are a drug addict or just got out of jail.
2. guys, dont take a picture with your cat. just because you have cat doesn't make you look like any less of a scum merchant, BUT might make us think you are gay and just won't admit it.
3. don't have pictures with someone else shoving their tongue down your ear. it makes you seem a little unavailable.
4. don't put that you "like to have fun." we can all safely assume everyone likes to have fun, unless you're one of these emo bastards that sits around cutting on themselves.
5. and most importantly, if you can't string some words together in a coherent sentence, with some cool jive like punctuation and whatnot, don't fucking bother. just buy a prostitute.
If intranets dating isn't going so hot for you (if you're hideous looking, what do you expect? Personality doesn't count in a picture), maybe you should try one of these sites.
And because I love you all from the bottom of my pickled heart, here's a Valentine (no, it is not redeemable for the afore mentioned oral sex):
Monday, February 11, 2008
A little back story about my office, there is a grand total of 12 of us here, and we LOVE our cake. Whether it’s for birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, pet’s death, new babies (so far no dead babies, but then again the pregnant girl is only 5 months along), promotions, etc… we don’t fucking care. Bring on the cake. Especially early in the morning. So, knowing that it was ToolBag’s 35th birthday this weekend, we were all anticipating cake bright and early on Monday. When he decided to be a pussy and not come in because the heat in his car wasn’t working (fucking man up and put a scarf on!), we were left with a big decision. Do we wait until tomorrow? HELL NO! So at 10 am this morning, we all sat around the conference room table and ate half of his dairy queen cake. That wasn’t enough, though. But once we recorded us eating the cake while singing happy birthday to him, THEN it was enough. That was of course promptly forwarded to him.
The sheer cruelty of eating someone else’s birthday cake and then shoving it in their face was enough to restore respect in my coworkers. I guess I should probably stop poking holes in the bottom of the Styrofoam coffee cups now.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Luckily for us all, it was only a slight rip; hey, I don't want to get my ass kicked because of it, and because he's omnipotent, he KNOWS when an effigy of him is damaged. So I decided to put him up next to the elliptical machine, so that way when I start slowing down, I have Chuck looking down upon me, telling me that is unnacceptable, and he will roundhouse kick me in the taint if I dont speed up.
This weekend was super cold, so no real awesomely entertaining stories. However, I have had like 6 people tell me about this product. With all of my flask adventures and focus on my fantastic rack, a booze bra does just scream "Tequila Mockingbird," as loud as a first time porn chick faking it. I like how when people hear about this product they instantly think about me. I guess it's better than if a facial wart remover product reminded people of me.
I would totally dig this product, because the biggest problems I have with my flask, is that I lose the top to it, or that it's bulky. And because I already have ample endowments, it's not like at the end of the night I would be left flatchested. The one concern I have about it, is that if I sprang a leak, then my shirt would reek of vodka. "Yeah Officer, my flask bra sprang a leak...", wouldn't neccessarily help me if I got pulled over. Either way, it's good to see inventors are making quality and important products for boozy broads like me.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Take this picture for example. Here we are, smiling and drinking beer, he's giving that reassuring I-promise-not-to-assault-you thumb up, yet something's just not quite right. Is it impossible to look non-threatening in a ski mask?
Or this picture; he’s just taking a sip of his beer, while pretending to strangle our friend The Novice. WTF? How does he STILL manage to look creepy?I just don’t get it. Like when we were leaving Bar Abilene (hey they had $3 margaritas, it was worth walking a few blocks in 20 below zero temps), and Landon had his ski mask on, there were these three girls getting out of a car and he said “HEEEEEEEEEEEY LADIEEEEEEEEEES!” and none of them looked like they wanted to chat…Doesn’t everyone want to chat with ski mask clad guys? They aren't ALL terrorists or muggers.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Whale hunting? Come on Japan. Why not just club some baby seals after a nice hearty breakfast of panda sausage and scrambled bald eagle eggs? These Godzilla-douches are thoroughly stomping the whale population, killing more than 1,000 a year. As if marinating their fish with mercury wasnt enough, now they feel the need to swing their samurai sword of douchebaggery to get whales one step closer to extinction. And because the Japanese are like Nick Nolte and ass rape (inseparable), I doubt they will ever stop. Just like every time I see Nick Nolte, I remember the dream I had about him assraping me, I see the Japanese culture intertwined with a national sense of doucheyness.Despite my appreciation of sushi and the hot geishas they have, Japan has committed other douche-tivities. Like that kamikaze bullshit in World War II. And what the fuck’s up with them having people sleep in drawers? Seems like discrimination on tall people like me. I could never fit in one of those. Their subjugation of women pisses me off too. With their culture and history littered with much douchetitude, they were worthy winners of this award long before the restarting of whale killing.
Monday, February 4, 2008
On the walk to Stella’s we saw a midget talking on her phone. Being totally into midgets, I started flipping out, going on about how this was a harbinger of the good times that were in store for us that evening. But Landon pointed out that the midget was angry, and possibly meant the opposite. When we got home, he cleverly drank water, I did not. By nine when we went over to Hart’s house next door, I was already way past tipsy. Turns out shrimp really doesn’t soak it up. The three of us walked to Old Chicago, and I tried to sober up, but it was not working, and even my favorite waiter knew I was not in a good way. I passed out early at 11, proving Landon correct that an angry midget WAS foreshadowing of a bad evening.
Saturday night I redeemed myself. I’ll admit to some douchebaggery of leaving a date early when I got a call from Calvin Crustitron telling me he was next door at Hart’s house and they were going out. I hastily left, called Landon, told him to fill up my flask. We went to the Drink where I saw HER. The cutest little midget girl I had EVER seen. I didn’t know what to do, so I just went for it, and asked her if she would be into wrestling with me in lime jello. At first she didn’t take me seriously, asked me to tell her friend, and I hesitantly but excitedly did. I explained it wasn’t a sexual thing and hell, I would even let her win. SHE AGREED!!! And I have her phone number. I haven’t called yet, because I wasn’t sure what the protocol was, or if I should wait 3 days like after a date. I’m open to suggestions for this one.
Calvin Crustitron was self-admittedly being a scumbag and chatting up some pregnant girl to get in with her friends. He ended up drunkenly making out with some girl in the McDonald’s drive thru after bar close when she let him in her car because McDonalds wouldn’t serve him. For the second time, I about lost the top of my cell phone flask and only managed to find it at bar close when they turned on the lights. I think I need to wear it around a chain on my neck.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Friday, February 1, 2008
(10:23:43)HIM: there is one other thing that intrigues me although i have never personally tried it out...
(10:25:20) ME: what intrigues you
(10:25:39) HIM: heh your gonna think i am a weird reprobate and cease to speak to me :) (10:26:03) ME: just tell me, christ, i've probably heard it anyway
(10:26:18) HIM: Transexual women who have chosen to not complete the procedure. From all external signs they are women in thought and appeareance and yet they continue to have the original genitalia
(10:26:35) ME: i see. I can honestly say I didn’t see that coming.
(10:26:52) HIM: well transexuals in general but the male to female far outnumber the female to male
(10:28:46) HIM: hence the recent change in how such people like to refer to themselves as intersexual or some other term because they have chosen to be somehow both
(10:29:35) ME: so you want a tranny, to what, fuck you in the ass?HARD?
(10:29:51) HIM: heh, it would be an interesting experience i admit that
(10:30:15) HIM: has it never crossed your mind, what it would be like? ?
(10:31:00)ME: no it has never crossed my mind
(10:31:10) ME: i like guys to fuck me hard, and I like chicks.
(10:31:16) ME: but i do not want them combined
(10:32:19) HIM: i have heard some male to female transexuals still identify as bisexual and enjoy sex with women unlike the stereotype that they are just gay guys in drag
(10:32:40) HIM: ...with tits
(10:34:04) HIM: i guess i am glad to be just a run of the mill guy who likes to fuck chicks, and on a rare occaision feel the desire to have a guy ...
(10:34:24) ME: i dont know how run of the mill that is. Seems a little fuckered up
(10:34:32)HIM: heh i mean by comparison
(10:35:14) HIM: i think like you i prefer relationships with women because it makes sense to me but guys hold no interest for me in that regard
(10:35:33) ME: but they hold interest to you, in the way of them fucking you in the ass (10:35:42) HIM: if i had to say anything i would say I am like 90% into chicks and 10% into guys
(10:35:57) HIM: only under very specific circumstances
(10:36:03) ME: why dont you just have a fat man with boobs fuck you in the ass?
(10:36:13) HIM: hehehehe eww gross
(10:36:36)ME: ok, so THATS gross, but trannys are cool?
(10:37:18) HIM: no i think its cuz they look like women completely from the external except for just the genitalia which is usually hidden and its gone beyond being simply a drag queen (10:37:33) ME: wow, you’ve thought about this a lot.
(10:37:40) HIM: they actually feel like they are women ....not gay men
(10:38:09)HIM: or at least mostly female since some have kept the original equipment as it were
(10:39:28) HIM: if you had come across a hypothetically beautiful case would you consider it ? since you do like the female form and you do like to have a guy fuck you
(10:40:09) ME: NO! I WOULD NOT LET A TRANNY FUCK ME
(10:40:28) ME: ive told you, i love to get some dick, and love chicks bodies, but i do not want to combine those. it's like, i love eating lasagna and masterbating, but i dont want to combine the two.
(10:40:59) HIM: thats fine okay ... I didnt expect the strength of reaction just now
(10:41:26) HIM: I was just supposing... not suggesting you go to the nearest drag queen bar and get it on :)
(10:42:35) HIM: and personally neither would I ....just because i find it interesting doesnt mean i have an attraction to it on a personal level...
(10:42:59) ME: have you been with a tranny? how else would you know what it feels like (10:43:04) HIM: i just think alot about odd shit like that to try and figure it out why some people are the way they are , and why others are so completely different, but I haven’t. (10:43:12) ME: you think about it a lot, how much is a lot? Like every waking second? (10:43:24) HIM: i dont mean alot about trannys i mean all sorts of things
(10:43:33) ME: i see, so there's more? ok I’m tapping out of the convo.