Sunday, February 10, 2008

Working Out With Chuck

I brought Chuck over today, now it really feels like home. It wasn't easy to get him here though. First I had to take pliers to him, to release him from the nails that crucified him to the basement wall in Lawyerman's house. And of course today was windier than Oprah's asshole, so he kept trying to fly away both on the trip from house to car and car to apartment. I am sad to say we had a rip. For all of the legend about him (like, there is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck's keyboard, because he is ALWAYS in control), he tore fairly easily.

Luckily for us all, it was only a slight rip; hey, I don't want to get my ass kicked because of it, and because he's omnipotent, he KNOWS when an effigy of him is damaged. So I decided to put him up next to the elliptical machine, so that way when I start slowing down, I have Chuck looking down upon me, telling me that is unnacceptable, and he will roundhouse kick me in the taint if I dont speed up.
GO FASTER BITCH!

This weekend was super cold, so no real awesomely entertaining stories. However, I have had like 6 people tell me about this product. With all of my flask adventures and focus on my fantastic rack, a booze bra does just scream "Tequila Mockingbird," as loud as a first time porn chick faking it. I like how when people hear about this product they instantly think about me. I guess it's better than if a facial wart remover product reminded people of me.
00h drink it baaaaby

I would totally dig this product, because the biggest problems I have with my flask, is that I lose the top to it, or that it's bulky. And because I already have ample endowments, it's not like at the end of the night I would be left flatchested. The one concern I have about it, is that if I sprang a leak, then my shirt would reek of vodka. "Yeah Officer, my flask bra sprang a leak...", wouldn't neccessarily help me if I got pulled over. Either way, it's good to see inventors are making quality and important products for boozy broads like me.

23 comments:

billymac said...

Niiice... that product is a drunken molester's wet dream

Jay said...

Chuck won't let you quit. Good job putting him there.

Now if a guy grabs you by the boob he could claim to just be checking to see if there was any vodka left. See, no harassment meant. ;-)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

jay: haaaaa. also, thanks for being one of the people who sent me that link.

Hungry Mother said...

I hope there's a second valve for guests.

Malach the Merciless said...

Or, you could try my meth jockstrap

Hammer said...

Lets hope chuck isn't wearing cowboy boots when he is taint kicking.

Mike said...

Well I am glad you got Chuck home safe and sound. A booze containing bra would be a great idea, but if it leaked it would be a huge freaking mess. Of course a good friend would gladly help you clean up the mess because that is what friends are for.

R.E.H. said...

Booze bra? Yet another reason to shove my face in between the hooters. Me like very much!

C.Rag said...

"meth jockstrap"....Ewww.

I want to do that chick. Look at the way she's taking that shot...Mmm

AngryMan said...

Hey, if you do get pulled over and your bra broke, at least you'd have a great story.

buffalodickdy said...

Funny- When he was making "formula" movies for Golan-Gorbus, when we couldn't find a new movie at the Video store, we'd always get a "Chuck" movie!

Mike said...

Booze bra's turn chuck norris on. You do know that right? Nothing says hot to chuck more than vodka flavored boobies.

moooooog35 said...

I have a flask jock strap.

This would be SO much easier if I was more flexible.

Although, if I could stretch down there easily, I'd probably never leave the house anyway.

By the way, have a non-tag meme on my sight that you might have fun with.

Or not.

Enjoy.

harx said...

Chuck is sooooo going to kick your ass.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I believe Chuck will forgive you, after all he knows the rest of us are not as perfect as him. The rip will be forgiven. Now slacking on the exercise I think will piss him off :)

Chuck said...

It's such a thrill to come to your blog and find my name plastered all over a post. Even if it isn't me you're talking bout, it's still kinda exciting in a weird kind o'way.

I'd definitely go with the boob flask thing. I used to want the "beer belly" (male version) something fierce, but my wife wouldn't let me buy it.

TED VELVET said...

when I saw it I thought of my mom she loved booze and she loved bras if only she could have hung on a couple of more years. wiping tears away.

TED VELVET said...

oh yeah....chuck's a bitch, and I'd say it right to your poster

Buzzardbilly said...

I think the booze bra needs to have a tap where each nipple would be because you know there will be people who'd like a swig from your liquor tits.

B.E. Earl said...

Chuck Norris...mmmm.

Booze tits...mmmm.

Chuck Norris with booze tits...I need to be alone right now.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

Chuck Norris would get his butt kicked by Jesus . . .

Leighann said...

"windier than oprah's asshole"

I *heart* you!

Simply Curious said...

Dude, if you had a booze bra your tits would get so big that you'd fucking fall over. I hope you have a strong back.