Tuesday, February 5, 2008

February's Douchebag of The Month

It’s that special time of the month again where I am filled with rage and discomfort. No, not THAT you sickass bastards, it’s Douchebag of the Month time, and this story had the big D-word practically scrolling off the screen. Congratulations Japan, for resuming whale hunting you are now February’s sumo sized Douchebag of the month.
Whale hunting? Come on Japan. Why not just club some baby seals after a nice hearty breakfast of panda sausage and scrambled bald eagle eggs? These Godzilla-douches are thoroughly stomping the whale population, killing more than 1,000 a year. As if
marinating their fish with mercury wasnt enough, now they feel the need to swing their samurai sword of douchebaggery to get whales one step closer to extinction. And because the Japanese are like Nick Nolte and ass rape (inseparable), I doubt they will ever stop. Just like every time I see Nick Nolte, I remember the dream I had about him assraping me, I see the Japanese culture intertwined with a national sense of doucheyness.Despite my appreciation of sushi and the hot geishas they have, Japan has committed other douche-tivities. Like that kamikaze bullshit in World War II. And what the fuck’s up with them having people sleep in drawers? Seems like discrimination on tall people like me. I could never fit in one of those. Their subjugation of women pisses me off too. With their culture and history littered with much douchetitude, they were worthy winners of this award long before the restarting of whale killing.

34 comments:

billymac said...

"the Japanese are like Nick Nolte and ass rape (inseparable)".... fucking priceless!

C.Rag said...

Also, what's up with their eyes?

Jon said...

Pandas are from China, and deserve to be extinct. What animal doesn't like to get it's fuck on? I'll tell you which one. Pandas. Douches.

Hungry Mother said...

The Japanese whalers and anyone over there that enables whaling suck ass and are the biggest fucktards west of San Francisco. To keep up with the fuckers, I read Dolphin.

Jay said...

Well, I agree with you that Japan has had this coming for a while.

But, they kind of make up for it with their hilarious TV shows.

And that rice moonshine they make. ;-)

Real Live Lesbian said...

LMAO @ c.rag

I was gonna say what Jay said. (pout)

TED VELVET said...

whales should team up and do bukkake all over the japanese people with Godzilla , gamara megalon and niCk Nolte but those freaky,fish swilling fucks would probably love it

Hammer said...

Yep the Japanese have excelled in some parts of their culture and are totally selfish and childlike in others.

Leighann said...

What's wrong with a good old fashioned ass raping once in awhile?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Jon: i really want to taint punch a panda now.

Jay: mmm saki. how dare i leave that out? thanks for reminding me. they still get the award though.

Leighann: but an old fashioned ass raping from nick nolte? id rather douche with battery acid

Malach the Merciless said...

And they sell girls panties in vending machines!

Buzzardbilly said...

The Nick Nolte/assrape bit was genious!

Then you added taint-punching a panda. Gold.

When I was going to WVU, they had a special exchange program with the Japanese, so there were tons of them. Tons. New ones who'd never spoken Engrish fresh off the plane every year. They had to come the summer before school started to get acclimated to the culture because I'm pretty sure the cultural antithesis of Japan is West Virginia. The closest place for food to that dorm was a Subway that I worked in. We had crab subs and club subs and those were their favorites and they pronounced them both the same way "crub". I used to want to pull my hair out.

BTW, c.rag, I have blue eyes and those new Godzilla-baits often asked me if my eyes hurt and if it was hard for me to see in the sun. So, they're also saying "what's up with their eyes" right back at us. :)

C.Rag said...

Buzz,
How can they ask if your eyes hurt when they can't see you?

Mike said...

I say we nuke the fuckers again. Apparently it didn't take the first time.

Chuck said...

Yeah, I'm with Mike. We hit two of their cities...I say it's time to drop da bomb on number 3. See ya Tokyo! The only good thing I see about JAPan is their sharking videos. If you're not sure what that is feel free to Google it.

B.E. Earl said...

Other than Japanese schoolgirls (of the 18+ variety) and Sonny Chiba, Japan can go to Hell!!!

Um, Sonny Chiba is Japanese...right?

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I've never read anybody so adroit with the word "douche."

Congratulations, TM. Your stock is rising.

AngryMan said...

Sounds like Mitt Romney will fit in great there.

moooooog35 said...

Don't knock sleeping in drawers until you've tried it.

I wake up completely refreshed...

...and smelling like cedar.

Now..if I could only get these squirrels to stop following me.

I'm off now to go eat some whale in a room lit by blubber-fueled lamps.

Mike said...

Don't forget the fact they sell underwear out of vending machines on the streets.

That gives much credibility that they are sexually attracted to human waste and commit such acts on a daily basis.

Gross.

Hey, let's make a mint. We can manufacture shitting tables in my garage and sell them to these douches for $$$$$!!

Matt-Man said...

I agree with your outrage, however, don't knock Panda Sausage until you try it. It goes great with a side of toast covered in eucalyptus jelly. Cheers!!

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I have always wanted to have sex with a Sumo.

Talk about getting yourself lost in someone.

Wonder if their fat folds smell like sushi?

ARTEMIS said...

Found you through someone's links...but can't remember who - been doing that a lot today! Anyway - found your posts hilarious and will be adding you to my roll.

And I think it's priceless that the Google ad at the top of your blog is for help to quit drinking!

captain corky said...

I don't know, most Japanese women seem to enjoy Bukkake. They say it's very good for their skin, and not degrading at all... ;)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

artemis: you should see the advertisements when i write about midgets... they are a dating service for little people. HILLARITY!

R.E.H. said...

You have some strong feelings about the Japanese ;) I will forgive them, though - because they have such beautiful women, and make quite a few really good horror movies. They satisfy my needs ;)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

REH: hmm me thinks you havent been with a good irish chick. they satisfy needs waaaay better

Bridget Jones said...

A-freakin'-MEN! Also they're responsible for the Battan Death March, torturing POWs, sushi and lame-butt saki.

Bridget Jones said...

p.s. and 'comfort women'!

katie said...

i wonder if i could love you any more than i already do, Tequila!! once again your words give me sustenance and fill my heart with glee!! keep on keepin' on, girl.:)

Fratboy said...

A couple of summers ago I was in Japan strung out on rice moonshine for a sumo wrestling tournament,when Nick Nolte ass raped me.Is that a coincidence?

BBC said...

You drunks sure do have interesting lives.

Beach Bum said...

Just wait till China decides to roll over them. Karma is a bitch.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Say it, Sister Tequila, say it!