Monday, February 11, 2008

Office Harmony Reached by Traveling The Road of Douchbaggery

Today I developed a new found respect for my office and coworkers. I have bitched and moaned about the people I work with, and different passive aggressive shenanigans I perpetrated upon them in the effervescent spirit of douchebaggery. But this morning, something happened that washed away the tidal wave of contempt I had for their incompetence.

A little back story about my office, there is a grand total of 12 of us here, and we LOVE our cake. Whether it’s for birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, pet’s death, new babies (so far no dead babies, but then again the pregnant girl is only 5 months along), promotions, etc… we don’t fucking care. Bring on the cake. Especially early in the morning. So, knowing that it was ToolBag’s 35th birthday this weekend, we were all anticipating cake bright and early on Monday. When he decided to be a pussy and not come in because the heat in his car wasn’t working (fucking man up and put a scarf on!), we were left with a big decision. Do we wait until tomorrow? HELL NO! So at 10 am this morning, we all sat around the conference room table and ate half of his dairy queen cake. That wasn’t enough, though. But once we recorded us eating the cake while singing happy birthday to him, THEN it was enough. That was of course promptly forwarded to him.

The sheer cruelty of eating someone else’s birthday cake and then shoving it in their face was enough to restore respect in my coworkers. I guess I should probably stop poking holes in the bottom of the Styrofoam coffee cups now.

23 comments:

TED VELVET said...

gotta celevbrate miscarriages it's kind of like having a baby...in your underwear

Just Sayin' said...

Eat my cake... Fuck my wife... Kick my dog. I can take it.

But if you fuck with my coffee... I'll cut you! Great rack or not!

I'm just sayin'...

katie said...

god, i love a good DQ cake,Tequila. Oh, how i crave a blizzard after reading your post!

Have a great day, g-money!

Jay said...

If he was home sick then I would say you guys were cruel, but just because he wasn't man enough to ride in the car without heat? He deserved that. Good job!

Making a video and sending it to him is priceless too.

R.E.H. said...

"man up" and "put a scarf on" doesn't quite work well together in my opinion. "man up" and "ride to work in the cold, and deal with it", sounds more like it.

Yeah, he deserved you all eating his Birthday Cake. You should've sent a picture of a slice in an e-mail and told him - here's your piece!

B.E. Earl said...

Don't be tricked by this faux office harmony.

It's just a trick.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Make sure to leave the empty box out so when he finally mans up and comes in he can almost taste what he missed.

~grace~ said...

you know...you could just celebrate someone's birthday every day, whether they're there or not. like mine. your mother's. Prince William's. basically what I'm saying is you could have birthday cake every day. AND send a cruel video. betcha Wills would feel bad about missing your celebration.

katie said...

oh, shit, girl, i almost forgot to tell you. i told capt. corky that me and you would get wasted with him and make out with him. so, get ready for that!! woohooooooooo!

jello optional.

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, what exit number is that off the Freeway of Dickiness?

AngryMan said...

That's frelling awesome.

buffalodickdy said...

Food in our office has to be incredibly bad before it isn't gone 1 hour after you bring it in..

Matt-Man said...

That is classic. I wanna work with you guys. Cheers!!

moooooog35 said...

That's awesome.

You should have then videotaped yourself on the phone canceling the strippers and whores that were scheduled to service him.

billymac said...

how the fuck do you eat ice cream cake while it is ten thousand degrees below zero where you are. That is just nutty, unless you microwave it nice and hot and drink it.

Midleah said...

Was his cake in the shape of a pussy?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Billy: actually we did need to microwave it to cut it. but it was delicious, and who wouldnt want to eat ice cream cake when it's 11 below zero and 9 am? up until now i always thought the breakfast of champions was vodka and birth control, but now i KNOW it's cake.

katie: that's hot.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

The best part of DQ cake it the chocolate fudge layer.

OMG I want to have an orgasm everytime I eat that stuff!

moooooog35 said...

PrePo: I actually DO have an orgasm when I get to the fudge layer.

This usually ruins the party for everyone else who hasn't gotten cake yet...as it's now ruined.

captain corky said...

"Pet's Death"

LOL, there's no better reason to have a piece of cake. "I'm really going to miss the way scraps used rub up and down on my leg. Can you cut me off another hunk of cake, and pass the milk"?

Mike said...

I bypassed my heater core and drive with the windows open.

And I live in Canada.

What I'm saying is, your co-worker doesn't have a penis.

Actually, neither do I for a half hour after the drive, but at least I get mine back.

Buzzardbilly said...

I used to work in a cake-festing office. I once came down with tonsilitis on my birthday. They asked a girl who must've weighed 250-300 at the time to drop my cake off at my apartment at noon.

I received a scraggy bunch of flowers on my stoop from that coworker and never saw a crumb of cake. When I got back to work and people asked me about getting a cake delivery, she just piped up and said, "Oh, I ate it, but I got her some flowers from us instead."

Bitch.

Hammer said...

Tat is frigging awesome. I hope you recorded it for youtube.

By the way,your lolrus comment today was outstanding!I had to immediately evacuate my bowels after reading it.