Thursday, February 7, 2008

Help Me Solve This Mystery

So, it’s going to be super cold around here again, but then it IS Minnesota, so not all that much of a shocker. Although, I can’t wait for this global warming deal to pan out, because then it’ll be like a tropical paradise here, while you other fuckers are burning to death. Anyway, I digress. Even though I live in the perfect location in Uptown, within walking distance to many awesome establishments (and by establishments I mean places that serve booze), unfortunately in the winter that walk isn’t always pleasant. To make it a more bearable walk (and by bearable I mean not having a Donner party experience), we wear layers and whatnot. Usually, I jihad my face up in a scarf, and Landon wears a ski mask. It turns out everyone looks like a rapist/robber in a ski mask.

Take this picture for example. Here we are, smiling and drinking beer, he's giving that reassuring I-promise-not-to-assault-you thumb up, yet something's just not quite right. Is it impossible to look non-threatening in a ski mask?

Or this picture; he’s just taking a sip of his beer, while pretending to strangle our friend The Novice. WTF? How does he STILL manage to look creepy?

I just don’t get it. Like when we were leaving Bar Abilene (hey they had $3 margaritas, it was worth walking a few blocks in 20 below zero temps), and Landon had his ski mask on, there were these three girls getting out of a car and he said “HEEEEEEEEEEEY LADIEEEEEEEEEES!” and none of them looked like they wanted to chat…Doesn’t everyone want to chat with ski mask clad guys? They aren't ALL terrorists or muggers.

36 comments:

billymac said...

I would wear a ski-mask too, but why bother when you are covered from head to toe with a mountain of hair... do you have any idea how much i spend on shampoo every month?

Hungry Mother said...

I think that Sarah Jessica Parker would look as good in a ski mask as in a paper bag, very doable.

Jay said...

I really thought that wearing a ski mask was the perfect way to meet chicks. Hmm .. I guess I'll have to come up with a different idea now.

harx said...

Wait... did you say something about a shocker???

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Well it's a little known problem. I've been wearing a ski mask for the better part of 5 years now through winter and summer. It is surprising the way us ski mask wearers are treated. Like once I was on my way to the shooting range for a little practice and stopped by the store for some chips and next thing you know all the "assumptions" are made about my character. It's really sad the way people think nowadays...

Leighann said...

Maybe if I drove him around in my conversion van, his chances of picking up a chick would increase?1

C.Rag said...

Does Ski Mask Guy play rape?

I love that game.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

You look really hot drinking a beer and standing next to a guy in a ski mask.

TED VELVET said...

I find it to be the complete opposite. I do all my bank transactions in a ski mask and I find that I always get right to the front of the line and served first, they just throw the money in the bag, they don't even check my account or anything. At least bank tellers still have a healthy respect for a man in a ski mask.

Hammer said...

The movies pretty much ruined ski masks for everyone except skiers :)

Mike said...

Well I had something to say but then I read Hungry Mother's comment and I was nodding my head in agreement so vigorously that I may have done some permanent damage.

Chuck said...

What's worse is when you're 6'5", 285 pounds and wear a ski mask. Good thing I live where it's usually warm.

What kind of beer is that?

Jon said...

Ski masks are pretty creepy, except when worn by members of the Cosby Kids. Tell him to instead wear pantyhose over his head. Almost as warm and far less threatening.

B.E. Earl said...

Mmmm....Young's Double Chocolate Stout. Very tasty.

Why does my liver always hurt when I visit here? In a good way.

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, you hang out with Licha Lubres?

katie said...

I cannot imagine why those ladies would not want to run into the arms of your ski mask, rapist looking friend, Tequila!! He looks quite inviting, if you ask me. I woulda been all over him like a cheap fucking suit!!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

katie: he's actually my roommate and looks fairly normal sans ski mask. you should see him when he's all in black and carrying around a machete. that freaks people out too.

Buzzardbilly said...

You'd be amazed at how skeezed out people get when you're wearing one of those work-in-sub-zero-styled funnel-faced parkas. Sure, you look like an eyeless duck with a circular mustache, but WTF is wrong with that. I'll bet the guys couldn't even do SJP in one of those.

Beach Bum said...

Ski masks are definite no go here in South Carolina since a little old lady working at her mom-and-pop store blew away some off season tourist that came into her store wearing one. If I remember right we were having a colder than usual winter that year and the Canadian guy ran inside to pay for his gas without taking into consideration the gun loving, trigger happy types that make up a large portion of the Palmetto state.

RockDog said...

Nothing good ever comes from a ski mask...unless you can successfully rob the bank...after all, crime does pay (when you get away with it...)

~grace~ said...

and it's blue! blue's such a cheerful color. I don't understand either.

tho I'm going to second (third?) the Sarah Jessica Parker idea. We should get together a posse and make it happen. I've got lots of bags.

moooooog35 said...

I get that reaction, too, when I walk around outside the girls' halfway house with my ski mask on.

But you should see the reaction I get when I take my ski mask off and the chicks see my Hitler moustache.

I can't win for losing.

AngryMan said...

He's a victim of racial profiling.

Matt-Man said...

I have alway sbeen partial to the ski mask look. It gives off an aura of sophistication. Cheers!!

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Ski masks turn me on!

They come in great as far as role playing goes.

Jack McAlbinomidget said...

I once dated a dwarf who had a fetish for ski masks, albinos, & midgets.
It was a simple purchase at Wal-Mart.

Sarah said...

How could a chick turn down a guy in a blue ski mask--I mean if it were black, sure, but blue?

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Ever since the original Dirty Harry movie I can't trust anybody in a ski mask.

Tell your friend, no hard feelings.

captain corky said...

I don't mind chatting with a guy wearing a ski mask as long as he has a shotgun under his jacket. No shotgun, no chat! That is my rule.

R.E.H. said...

Ski masks define you as a violent and evil person... it doesn't matter who you are behind that mask. Once you wear one of those - you are by definition a dangerous criminal.

I have one of those in the glove compartment of my car, for emergencies only.

buffalodickdy said...

You want to really scare them, don't use a ski mask, put a nylon stocking over your head....

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Hey there, Don't want to be a pest, but my Monday post might have a "little" something in it you might find interesting. Although I didnt see any jello anywhere it was still entertaining for me...

Malicious Intent said...

Must be some really stuck up bitches in your town. I mean honestly, he looks as cuddly as a teddy bear. I don't think I have an answer for you, other than people discriminating against ski mask clad teddy bears.

BBC said...

I read these womens blogs that are always talking about their being out on the town drinking and I think.

"Geez, I'll bet these women spend enough out drinking to make a house payment."

Going out to drink all the time is expensive, I drop into the beer church a lot at times but I just stay a little while and only drink a few beers.

At two bucks a beer I don't spend a lot on the town.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

BBC: maybe when i am old and dried up, i'll stop going to the bar, and then i can stay home and knit, and save money for a house payment. i think you should start knitting too. knit yourself a fucking rope and hang yourself.

B.E. Earl said...

That BBC guy is a hoot!