Moving right along, I’ve seen this meme going around, about what our 10 commandments would be. What an apropos time to do it!
- Thou shall not attempt to parallel park if one cannot do it in 30 seconds or less. I swear to fucking tap dancing Christ if I see one more dumb ass block the street for 7 min while trying to parallel park, I will throw my latte at him. THAT’S 7 PRECIOUS MINUTES YOU’RE THEIVING FROM MY HAPPY HOUR!!!! If you can’t parallel park, either don’t come into the city or pay to park.
- Thou shall not chew ice in the movie. Not only is it bad for your teeth, it annoys the piss out of me. I hope all of your teeth fall out because you do not deserve to have them. Hey, all the better to give gum jobs with!
- Thou shall not mix my drink poorly and then give me a nasty look when I top it off from the ketel one in my flask.
- Thou shall not use “Candle in the Wind” for anymore dead celebrities (this is mainly directed towards Elton John); why not write a new song when Princess Di kicked it? Especially if they were such good friends. Even if she was a stranger, recycling death songs is sick. Dear Sir Elton John, please remove the lance from your ass. I think when Britany Spears dies her song will be “Goodbye Skanky Whore”
- Thou shall not use dissolving Listerine whitening strips. The jism-like substance on the back of your teeth moves to the roof of your mouth, and you end up looking like a dog with peanut butter in its mouth.
- Thou shall not let thy whores drink my booze (this is mainly directed at Landon). It hasn’t happened yet, but lets not let it, and we’ll get along nice.
- If you are in the far left lane, thy peddle must meet thy metal. Thou shall not try to block me from passing by speeding up. You are in a 4 cylinder, I am not. You will not win anything other than my scorn.
- Thou shall not use the word “stat” unless you have a medical degree. If I hear one more person at Caribou say they need their chai “STAT” I’m going to throw the scalding liquid in their face.
- Thou shall not worship Brangelina offspring.
- Thou shall not panhandle in front of the bar. Unless you are the guy by Williams with one leg that has a hilarious sign that says “I’m on my last leg, please help,” but it was kind of a falsehood because he wasn’t standing, he was sitting on the ground.
UPDATE: it seems there is one I need to add: If hair grows from thy facial mole, ye shall pluck it every fortnight.