Moving right along, I’ve seen this meme going around, about what our 10 commandments would be. What an apropos time to do it!
- Thou shall not attempt to parallel park if one cannot do it in 30 seconds or less. I swear to fucking tap dancing Christ if I see one more dumb ass block the street for 7 min while trying to parallel park, I will throw my latte at him. THAT’S 7 PRECIOUS MINUTES YOU’RE THEIVING FROM MY HAPPY HOUR!!!! If you can’t parallel park, either don’t come into the city or pay to park.
- Thou shall not chew ice in the movie. Not only is it bad for your teeth, it annoys the piss out of me. I hope all of your teeth fall out because you do not deserve to have them. Hey, all the better to give gum jobs with!
- Thou shall not mix my drink poorly and then give me a nasty look when I top it off from the ketel one in my flask.
- Thou shall not use “Candle in the Wind” for anymore dead celebrities (this is mainly directed towards Elton John); why not write a new song when Princess Di kicked it? Especially if they were such good friends. Even if she was a stranger, recycling death songs is sick. Dear Sir Elton John, please remove the lance from your ass. I think when Britany Spears dies her song will be “Goodbye Skanky Whore”
- Thou shall not use dissolving Listerine whitening strips. The jism-like substance on the back of your teeth moves to the roof of your mouth, and you end up looking like a dog with peanut butter in its mouth.
- Thou shall not let thy whores drink my booze (this is mainly directed at Landon). It hasn’t happened yet, but lets not let it, and we’ll get along nice.
- If you are in the far left lane, thy peddle must meet thy metal. Thou shall not try to block me from passing by speeding up. You are in a 4 cylinder, I am not. You will not win anything other than my scorn.
- Thou shall not use the word “stat” unless you have a medical degree. If I hear one more person at Caribou say they need their chai “STAT” I’m going to throw the scalding liquid in their face.
- Thou shall not worship Brangelina offspring.
- Thou shall not panhandle in front of the bar. Unless you are the guy by Williams with one leg that has a hilarious sign that says “I’m on my last leg, please help,” but it was kind of a falsehood because he wasn’t standing, he was sitting on the ground.
UPDATE: it seems there is one I need to add: If hair grows from thy facial mole, ye shall pluck it every fortnight.
39 comments:
LMAO!!!
I've got a First Amendment for you:
Thou shalt not wait until you have your total in the checkout line to pull out your checkbook. You're buying groceries, you know damn well they are going to want money from you. Pull out the fucking book and start filling it out ahead of time. For that matter, why are you still using checks? Get with the program asshat, get some plastic.
You got your first hate comment! Congratulations! Things are looking up for the Tequila blog, it means you're getting some sweet ass traffic when you get people who feel the need to be haters.
I got my first hate comment when I wrote my post "Starbucks is burnt crap".
Someone took it personally and decided to defend Starbucks's honour on their behalf - also anonymously.
What a tool, but I was so excited to get my first assbag!
I remember my first hate comment. I had been blogging for a while and was almost begging for some hate mail. Finally somebody told me that I sucked and that made my life so much better. It was like I realized that I wasn't blogging for nothing.
And then I got some pretty decent hate mail. And it all peaked when somebody called me a "PIG" in comments one day. I don't know it if it will get any better than that.
I wish I got more hate mail than I do though. I think I'm probably trying a little too hard for it though. Trolls can tell when you're desperate for hate mail, just like women can tell when a man is desperate for sex.
Amen Sister! Especially about commandant number 4!!!
Unfortunately the first hate comment I ever got was from one of my best friends. I sure know how to pick em. ;)
Congrats on the hate mail!
Thou shall not let thy whores drink my booze <-- best one!
hooray! you broke your hate-mail cherry... i've had a few of those, gotta love 'em.... sometimes they are actually kinda cool to get.
Oh my I feel so innocent. I don't think I've had a hate comment yet. But way to go Tequila on pissing off the general populace.
Hate mail is the SHIT! I'm serious... My favorite part of blogging is the hate mail.
Well that and picking on retards, gays, women, minorities, the elderly, sexual deviates, religious organizations, celebrities and my friends and family...
Congrats!
I can tell you exactly who that is. Those two Youtube idiots probably figured our who snatchthisup is, and have moved onto you.
Just Sayin: lay off the sexual deviants!
Malach: there are a few possibilities.. i actually hadnt thought of them... interesting!
That update was sorely needed. At least one commandment should have the word "fortnight" in it someplace.
Well done! And congrats on the hate mail.
I find it ironic and sad that this is the high point in your writing career. To say that once you have received hate mail as a mile stone and then to damn near compare yourself to the likes of Frost and Hemmingway... You are not a writer; you are a lonely loser amongst many who write on archaic blogs about trivial matters that will never affect the world. You will die, you will not be missed, and your blog will not change the course of history. Maybe you should indulge in a few more primal urges such as drinking or doing heavy drugs. Who knows...maybe some poor sap will lower his standards in a drunken stupor and make you feel important for 3 minutes?
I think my #1 is people that let their barely pottytrained kids go to the bathroom solo.
Needing to take an explosive dump with the fuse lit is no time to be wiping of your little shit's piss from the seat!
I may kill you or your kid when I get done shitting...
...and unrinate all over your casket!
Ok, I'm sorry. I don't mean to be like this. The truth is that I have a serious crush on you and I just want you so much.
Let's talk about sex, baby, let's talk about YOU and ME.
Seriously, I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated and I really need some dick.
You DO have a dick, right?
Right?
Fuck, I hope so.
GOT DICK?
HAHHAHA! Get it?
I do.
tee hee hee.
COMPUTER: $1500
HIGH SPEED INTERNET ACCESS: $99
LATEX RUBBER GLOVES: $7
POSTING FUCKTARD ANONYMOUS NEGATIVE COMMENTS ON A BLOG WITHOUT IDENTIFYING MYSELF: Priceless.
For the times when you absolutely, positively must act like you need some hardcore cock-n-mouth, for everything else, there's MasterCard.
This will be the last time I delve in this trivial matter. My name is James L. Swanson. I am a writer and I have published books such as Manhunt. Your use of vulgar language do not impress me and quite frankly prove how uneducated you must be. I wrote the comments regarding Frost and Hemmingway, obliviously I did not write the others. To call your self a writer would be comparable to calling Einstein somewhat intelligent. Or bragging to your colleges about out-smarting a chimp. Simply put, there are people in this world that express themselves and deteriorate the intelligence of everyone they come into contact with them. You are a prime example.
I rarely get the really tardy tards. Sure, I had a bigot yesterday, but no total tard action yet. You are my hero.
Yay, for I shall sucketh the dicks from the Swanson to the Swan song.
I shall placeth my head inside mine own ass for this shall be the prim and proper way to fuck oneself.
For I am the divine and masterful meaning of the term cocksmooch.
I bid you good day.
I think I meant "delve into" and instead of "do not impress" I meant "does not impress." Not to mention I spelled "colleagues" and used the word "obliviously" when I meant "obviously." Boy, do I keep my editors busy! But, with such deep thinking and being so much smarter than you (come on, isn't it oblivious to you too? I dont use any profanity, so I must be smart), they continue publishing my books.
Besides, what better way to prove how smart and superior I am than by telling you to go kill yourself? I'm sure Frost would've said it the same way!
And I swear to the corpse of Gertrude Stein, Swanson, if you misspell my name again, I'm going to take the bullet out of my head and shoot it through yours.
Welcome to the world of hate comments. Just wait until you start to get hate emails. Those are the fucking best ever!!!
Hey, congratulation on your hate comments. I just read them. S/he doesn't have even a fraction of your charm or talent.
I'm dealing with a couple of my own. One is a half-witted homo. The other, goes by "Lawrence", well, he's clever enough. But he frightens me.
"...if some assbag thinks I’m so lame I should kill myself, yet still continues to read my blog, that means my shit must be pretty fucking awesome..."
Well said, TM. And by the way, the fact that you spike drinks with a flask of Kettle One only makes you that much more likable!
I used to get a lot of hate comments when I still had a Barbaro post.
i will personally kick the ass of that anonymous douchebag for insulting my favorite Tequila Mockingbird!! oh, Tequila, what a dick!!! i so hate anonymous commenters. they have no balls. if they really stand by their comments they need to have the guts to leave their name.
i commend you for leaving the comments up too. i had a dickhead on my blog a few weeks ago that told me i was degrading myself by calling myself a "craft whore". god, get a life!! i AM a whore okay!!!! damnit!
anyways, you are still my hero. always!!!!!!!!!!! wooooooohoooooooooooo!! ;)
The only hate comments my blog gets are verbal from my wife. I think that Swanson dude needs Teddy Kennedy to fuck him up the ass.
Sorry, been away for a while...
If you're going to pandhandle the least you can do is be truthful...geeze.
Oh I forgot...
I got my first hate comment once when I posted a pic of my wife blowing me while she was sitting on the toilet. The comment had something to do about how my wife was disgusting for sucking cock with the smell of her shit in the air. Uh, hello? I never said she was going #2. In fact she was just sitting there, with the lid down...damn, some people.
Yeah, I had to go back to your previous post and read the hate comments... then I saw some more of them here (my guess is that the dude is 15 years old... tops - the kind of guy that sneaks into his dad's office computer, logs on and indulges in his own brand of mental masturbation). I like how you handle that situation ;)
On to what's important - your 10 commandments:
Good things to follow - I'm happy I am decent enough at paralell parking. I wouldn't give you a look if you brought out the flask at the bar (except to wink an eye).
First hate comment -- Congratulations! You've hit a whole new level of fame!
Your 'hate' bloke don't half go on a bit don't he?
How come you're 'anon' mate? No balls I guess.
I still need some serious dick.
My name is James L. Swanson and I approved this message.
Screw the haters. Just like TV, if you don't like it change the channel!
Ok, I Making a special request to some of my blogger friends:
I am on a campaign to get Fox Sports to name their new mascot the Gopher Cam which is used at their NASCAR races. (I personally find the gopher annoying.) I would be so grateful if my friends would just take one moment to visit www.foxsports.com and go to vote for a name for the gopher cam and submit "Road Kill."
They already mentioned my name on the air earlier with the suggestion and NONE of the drivers are giving any good ideas with the exception of Casey Mears who later in the show suggested the same name. I hope he wins. PLEASE HELP!
Your help would be greatly appreciated and a cause close to my heart. Please pass this request along and I will report on the name game when they air it next week.
Power in numbers!
Thanks! a bit of business I need help with...
Thou shall not attempt to parallel park if one cannot do it in 30 seconds or less.
I don't parallel park just for that reason but its almost funny seeing some soccer mom try to parallel park her mega-SUV while talking on her cell phone.
Thou shall not use “Candle in the Wind” for anymore dead celebrities
I hate that song. never liked it when it was about Marilyn Monroe
Thou shall not chew ice in the movie. Guilty as charged, until I broke a tooth. I don't do it anymore.
Congratulations, welcome to the club.
I never get hate comments or mail.
No one hates or loves me.
c.rag: i always have love for you!
I know you don't let these lame-ass anonymous comments get to you, so I'm not going to pay them much mind. I used to get a bunch of them and they slowly stopped. I'm sure you have an ip tracker. Get to comparing ips and have a blast busting the son of a bitch out. That's what I did.
Commandment number two has to be my favorite. I hate all those crunching noises during movies. Not only ice, but popcorn and nachos and whatever the fuck else they decided to cram in their mouth during a movie I paid 15$ for.
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