Monday, February 4, 2008

Cornucopia of Midgets

I get off work early on Friday’s, and Landon had decided to be a deadbeat and take the day off work, so we were able to hit Stella’s rooftop café for two-for-one’s and free shrimp (HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG WITH FREE FUCKING SHRIMP!!!!), not to mention a cool sign on the wall that says “Our Mullet is Clean, What About Yours?” Landon put an obese man to shame, and received his scorn as he shoveled in shrimp with reckless abandonment. Although, I will say this, I think they were trying to discourage our gluttonesque behavior, because they had pictures on the walls of large people scantily clad. I understand why this would be good when they were giving away food, but for the people who paid for food, I would think it might make them turn down dessert.
00h Lickety Split


On the walk to Stella’s we saw a midget talking on her phone. Being totally into midgets, I started flipping out, going on about how this was a harbinger of the good times that were in store for us that evening. But Landon pointed out that the midget was angry, and possibly meant the opposite. When we got home, he cleverly drank water, I did not. By nine when we went over to Hart’s house next door, I was already way past tipsy. Turns out shrimp really doesn’t soak it up. The three of us walked to Old Chicago, and I tried to sober up, but it was not working, and even my favorite waiter knew I was not in a good way. I passed out early at 11, proving Landon correct that an angry midget WAS foreshadowing of a bad evening.

Saturday night I redeemed myself. I’ll admit to some douchebaggery of leaving a date early when I got a call from Calvin Crustitron telling me he was next door at Hart’s house and they were going out. I hastily left, called Landon, told him to fill up my flask. We went to the Drink where I saw HER. The cutest little midget girl I had EVER seen. I didn’t know what to do, so I just went for it, and asked her if she would be into wrestling with me in lime jello. At first she didn’t take me seriously, asked me to tell her friend, and I hesitantly but excitedly did. I explained it wasn’t a sexual thing and hell, I would even let her win. SHE AGREED!!! And I have her phone number. I haven’t called yet, because I wasn’t sure what the protocol was, or if I should wait 3 days like after a date. I’m open to suggestions for this one.

Calvin Crustitron was self-admittedly being a scumbag and chatting up some pregnant girl to get in with her friends. He ended up drunkenly making out with some girl in the McDonald’s drive thru after bar close when she let him in her car because McDonalds wouldn’t serve him. For the second time, I about lost the top of my cell phone flask and only managed to find it at bar close when they turned on the lights. I think I need to wear it around a chain on my neck.

28 comments:

TED VELVET said...

the protocol for call a little person for a jello wrestling match is fairly well known. It's half the time you would wait for n average sized person so three days turns to 1 1/2 days, starting from the moment they hand they're number over with they're chunky little sausage fingers

Jay said...

Free shrimp?? I would totally put them out of business. Once when I was in college my buddies and I hit a club in Tulsa that had a $10 all you can drink deal going on a Thursday night. We killed em. We went back the next week and they were closed. I'm still proud of that one.

I don't care when you call that chick, but I do really, REALLY want to see video of this event!

Leighann said...

I'm piggybacking Jay in hopes of a video of the midget jello wrasslin!

RockDog said...

Why Lime Jello? Please let me watch when you wrestle her. It would make my year. And maybe there is a slight chance it would get sexual...that would make my life!

Rock ON!

R.E.H. said...

Free shrimp, cute little midgets, jello wrestling and McDonald's drive-thru makeout sessions...

...that's a full weekend right there!

And, I will chime in on the demand of a video!

minijonb said...

cell phone flask?!? oooh... that's a bri11iant idea!

Hammer said...

I didn't have as much fun as that in all of the 90's put together!

katie said...

you had me at free shrimp, tequila! and the midget was just the icing on the mother fucking cake!!! oh, i must watch you and said midget in this lime jello in which you speak.

love the picture too. u are a total babe, TM.

Malach the Merciless said...

So, you want to lick a fat midgets ass?

Southern Sage said...

I laughed and laughed at this post and the pic for sure.
tff2 for one's and free srimp, they surely lose money if I go in there.
Damn what a deal, and a midget to boot!

Beach Bum said...

Like everyone one said else the free shrimp thing and midget jello wrestling would make that a weekend to remember.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I just love that picture! ha ha ha ha

Good thing it wasn't a scratch and sniff as I am sure you would have passed on the shrimp.

Mike said...

Like most everyone else, I SO want to see that midget lime jello wrestling action!

Chuck said...

Yeah, don't let no angry midget cross your path. Bad luck is bound to happen. I once saw two of my sexual fantasies rolled into one...an Asian midget in downtown Birmingham, Alabama. She was a cute as hell. I've always wanted to fuck a midget. I can imagine my cock would look HUGE in her hands.

Good luck with the wrestling. I'd call her tomorrow.

Buzzardbilly said...

Love the picture!

I'm also wanting to see a video of the event. Hell, I would've already called that midget today to make sure she doesn't get cold feet.

I know a lady who's 6'6" (she played the big german woman who wanted Deuce to be a baby in the second Deuce Bigelow movie). She does videos of with people who want to wrestle a giantess and then have her fart in their face.

RS2Crat said...

Hey I just talked to you on the phone while you were with my Friend Paul at Old Chicago. Just wondering if you'd be willing to discuss some things with me regarding your blog and the whole web2.0 thing. Probably a weird request but I'd appreciate it. As a trade I'll buy you a couple drinks or something when I am back in MN.

C.Rag said...

Mmm...Midgets, shrimp, jello...

buffalodickdy said...

You and a girl midget? Bring the camera crew!

AngryMan said...

Videotape the wrestling match and put it on YouTube.

Colonel Colonel said...

Some girls have all the luck.

Matt-Man said...

I had sex with a midget once. Even then I still somehow failed to measure up. Cheers!!

Tink said...

If ever you were to write a book about your life, I think "Cornucopia of Midgets" should be the title. But you have to include an actual picture of a cornucopia filled with midgets, K? You're a fucking freak and I love it. ;)

moooooog35 said...

Where the Hell do you live where you see all these midgets?

If I were you, I'd seriously consider moving to a different location if you ever decide to conceive (or, if you mistakenly do this while passed out)...

...as there's some midget creating substance in your water.

I don't think I've ever seen a midget.

Although, I'm not much taller than one...so I might have just thought of it as just another short person.

harx said...

WTF?!?!?!? Where do you find all these midgits at?!?!?

Ship some of your surplus to Dallas, we don't have any down here.

captain corky said...

I agree with many. Any chance of seeing that on video soon?

captain corky said...

Oh... and of course it won't be sexual for me while I watch. I just love a good bout.

B.E. Earl said...

I third the request for a Youtube video of the match.

I love midgets almost as much as you. I so wanna bang that tattooed midget whore on Cathouse. Maybe my prick would look a little bigger in her tiny, chunky hands.

Probably not.

billymac said...

i love how you are using midget demeaner as a prediction to your good times... like a groundhog, only pinker...