Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Fuckin' Valentines Day

It's that one special day of the year when people can show their significant other they love them, through oral sex of course... I wish you all the best of luck with that (this product might help you get oral sex... what says eternal love more than a valentines day flask?) For those of you who are single and trying to find their special shnookems snugglebuddy via the intrawebs (hey, they can't all be rapists who will commit identity theft, RIIIGHT?), I have some advice about internet dating profiles:
1. don't put that you are trying to "turn your life around." that makes everyone assume you are a drug addict or just got out of jail.
2. guys, dont take a picture with your cat. just because you have cat doesn't make you look like any less of a scum merchant, BUT might make us think you are gay and just won't admit it.
3. don't have pictures with someone else shoving their tongue down your ear. it makes you seem a little unavailable.
4. don't put that you "like to have fun." we can all safely assume everyone likes to have fun, unless you're one of these emo bastards that sits around cutting on themselves.
5. and most importantly, if you can't string some words together in a coherent sentence, with some cool jive like punctuation and whatnot, don't fucking bother. just buy a prostitute.

If intranets dating isn't going so hot for you (if you're hideous looking, what do you expect? Personality doesn't count in a picture), maybe you should try
one of these sites.

And because I love you all from the bottom of my pickled heart, here's a Valentine (no, it is not redeemable for the afore mentioned oral sex):
Chuck Norris valentine

27 comments:

moooooog35 said...

If you look really, really closely...you can see Chuck's wife tangled in his chest hair.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

You can buy a prostitute?!? I always thought you could only rent them for short periods of time!!

Just Sayin' said...

"Happy Valentines Day" freckles!

Hungry Mother said...

Do you think that St. Valentine did 69 with his significant other? Just wondering.

Matt-Man said...

Chuck is a pussy. Just ask Mike Huckabee who made him his biotch. Cheers and Happ VD!!

Leighann said...

Screw the romance, give me some raunchy sex and wine coolers and I'm good.

harx said...

keep your VD to yourself for chrissake!

Mike said...

Would a jar of peanut butter help with the aforementioned oral sex?

Buzzardbilly said...

Best Chuck Norris Valentine's Day ether card ever!

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Chuck would be one mighty fine V-Day present to find in between my bed sheets.

I'd give him plenty of good lovin.

Happy Valentine's Day!

TED VELVET said...

For valentines day chuck gives his wife's vagina a roundhouse kick just like he would a heavy bag . One kick for every year they've been married. Takes a few hours for the waffle marks left from the soul of his boots to fade but then it's go time. Chuck treats that poon like it's the Viet Kong.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Ted: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THAT WAS THE BEST FUCKING COMMENT I'VE EVER GOTTEN!!!!

Hobbs von Wackamole said...

Dear Emo-kid,
No one loves you.
go cry
happy Valentines day

Chuck said...

Hope you get plenty of oral sex today! Lord knows you need it. Be sure to warm up the coot before he or she dives in. Happy VD!

captain corky said...

I've been saving up money to have my four bottom ribs removed so that one day I can achieve the ultimate level of self gratification... the ability to suck myself off.

Happy Valentine's Day, Tequila.

Jay said...

My last internet dating site ad didn't work all that well ..

Shy, introverted guy seeks quiet girl for disappointing evenings out.

I really don't know where I went wrong with that one. ;-)

Happy Valentines Day babe!

Malach the Merciless said...

Chuck is really hairy.

Happy VD

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Real men have chest hair.

Remember, Intercourse isn't just a town in Pennsylvania and oral sex is a two way street. I just made that up. I'm not sure why or what it means.

Happy Valentine's Day darlin'.

billymac said...

people date on the internet? i thought it was only good for jerking off? Where the hell have I been? Oh, probably jerking off to the internet.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Sound advice, TM.

Thanks for the Chuck Norris pic.

Mike said...

I think renting a prostitute is just a better way to go.

The second best way to get a date is to use duct tape or rope. Either one is acceptable.

Personally I prefer duct tape.

Happy VD.

B.E. Earl said...

Is it odd that I want me some oral sex even more now that I've seen that pic of Chuck?

Can masturbating to pic of Chuck reasonably be called "chucking the Norris?" Howzabout "Shucking it to Chuck?"

All good questions.

Baba Doodlius said...

Thank you very much for those warm Valentine's Day wishes, Tequila!

I think I'll skip the oral sex part, though - beak-on-genitalia contact can be expected to result in a really embarassing emergency room visit.

Sarah said...

Okay I missed the oral sex clause in my marriage contract.

I did however buy that VD lube that is has been advertised at nauseum for weeks. Nothing says I love you than a flaming hot va-jay-jay.

R.E.H. said...

Thanks for the heads up what not to do on internet dating sites.

Ya think I should buy a few of those pink flasks and try to lure women out of raunchy bars with that thing?

Happy Valentine's Day, sweetie.

katie said...

Oh, tequila! How hot is Chuck..norris that is. total babe. I hope you had a great Valentine's Day filled with much love and alotta liquor!!

Tink said...

Amen to numba 4. I would also like to add that you shouldn't put that you're looking for someone attractive, because that's also a given. NO ONE is actively seeking someone who looks like they were dropped off the ugly tree, beaten by the ugly stick, and then run over by the ugly bubba truck. Oh-kay?