Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Reindeer Games I play

It’s that time of year, for receiving useless and unwanted gifts. This particular flavor of douchebaggery is most often tasted in the workplace, in the form of a Secret Santa present exchange. My office is super small, with only 9 people, so we all draw names and every week hide a $5 present. The first week I got this bizarre video (a double feature, but it was a double feature where both movies blew ass). Granted it came with a Chipotle gift card, but I was thinking, WTF?! Yes, the dude on the front looked slightly like Tom Selleck (and everyone knows I have a “thing” for him, how can they miss it with my desktop collage?), but to confuse him with Tom Skerritt is downright criminal.

So I decided when I finally found out who it was, I would start some Secret Sabotage. Much like the Secret Santa game, but every so often I would do something to fuck with them at work. Fortunately, the next week, I got some cocktail mixes. I knew whoever had me must like me, because they weren’t the bullshit small ones, but the huge bottles that can totally do some damage.

The next week I came in, I became positive that it HAD to be Calvin Crustitron. Who else would have the balls to wrap my office in wrapping paper?
my office

Inside I found a giant picture of Chuck Norris. I was indeed amused. It was certainly better than a candle or some lame post-it notes with cats on them. The creativity and knowledge of my interest in Chuck Norris (it was him who was
on my desktop for many months) was awe inspiring.

I turned my need to be naughty in a different direction. I decided to go rogue, and start giving other people in the office presents. For example, I gave the pregnant girl a pack of condoms (oops, guess I was a little late). And for the chick that is obsessed with her appearance to where it makes her a vapid, shallow vacuous waste of a person, I got her teeth whitening strips. HILLARITY! This served a dual purpose, it entertained me, and it ferreted out the ‘real’ secret santa who was like “I DIDN’T GIVE YOU DAVID HASSELHOFF PASTIES” (to the mean, flat chested girl who seems to think she is all that and a shot of red bull). Yes, I did indeed give myself a fake gift, because otherwise, it would be totally obvious who the rogue secret santa was. For myself, a bottle of St. John’s Wort (believe it or not, I can be a bit of a bitch to people who I have overwhelming disdain for their incompetence).

Anyway, if my reindeer games failed to bring holiday cheer to your fat monkey hearts, #8 in my 12 drinks of Giftmas certainly will!

Giftmas Sour
  • 1 oz of sweet vermouth
  • 3 oz of scotch
  • 2 oz of cherry brandy
  • 1 egg white
  • 1 oz fresh lemon juice

Mix up these good times with ice in a cocktail shaker. Shake it like a polaroid picture and strain over ice in a highball glass. Garnish with thin sliced lemon on the rim of the glass.


Captain Flak Paperpants said...

On the seventh day, God rested because Chuck Norris had kicked his ass the day before.

moooooog35 said...

I refuse to take part in any Secret Santa bullshit after once receiving a faux-wool steering wheel cover as the gift.


It was previously on someone else's steering wheel.

..and being faux sheepskin/wool/whatever...probably had 4 or 5 years worth of boogers, fingernails, spit, spooge..whatever..stuck in it's little fake sheep fibers.

I swear, to this day, if I ever find the f*cker who gave that to me, I'm going to stuff it down their throat.

Merry Christmas!!

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Hate secret Santa deals. We had one at work and had to buy a gift, but had no idea who it would go to. Could have been anyone. I ended up buying a music CD for a charity and including a gift card for the spending limit of the gift. Thats just how I roll, Word.

R.E.H. said...

Hmmm... I think, growing a mustache like Tom Selleck's would make me resemble him... just a little bit.

Loved the condom gift for the pregnant girl! That one was a riot!

Leighann said...

And here I thought I was the only one who wanted to ride Tom Sellecks stash into the wild blue yonder!

Glad I decided to stop in today!

Jay said...

I always hated doing the secret Santa shit at work. They always put like a $5 limit on the presents and that means you are going to get a really shitty present for somebody. And get a really shitty present from your secret Sanata. It's just all so shitty. ;-)

harx said...

holy shit that's a giant Chuck!

AngryMan said...

Those are some big ole jumblies you got there. I salute your twins, Tequila!

Mike said...

That whole secret Santa thing would be fine if they had like a 150 dollar minimum thing on the gifts, but $5.00 gifts? Fuck that. If you feel the need to buy me a $5.00 gift, save your money and buy a clue instead.

Yeah, I'm shallow, but not $5.00 shallow.

TED VELVET said...

I like your gift to the beauty queen, she'll be self conscious about her teeth for forever. if you want to freak her out some more, everytime you talk with her stare at her hair and make like mmmmmm kind of faces like you're thinking about how bad it looks. then aks her if she did something different with it. ohh it looks good, it just looks...(big pause)...different. she'll be fucking around with her hair for a month and much hilarity will ensue

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Capt: fucking a right he did. also, chuck is the only one that can win a poker game with a joker, green uno card, get out of jail free card, and a 7 of spades.

Moog: oooh a regifter. we had to cop to who our secret santa person was, which meant we were supposed to give decent shit.

Ron: hahaah. way to jew 'em out.

REH: for realz? grow it and send a pic. please.

Leighann: yeah, no one gets my fascination with him... he was popular before i was born and when i was a baby, but i started watching magnum pi, and RAAAAWR!

Jay: ugh, i know. like those tubs of vile popcorn. i dont want cheesey popcorn asshole. at least the drink mixes i can use.

Harx: the best kind.

Angry: you should send me a pic so i can see how Wifey's compare.

Mike: i love your honesty. i'm sending you some 5$ trinkets.

Ted: i love mindfucking people. i'll give it a try and report back to you.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

You and I would so get along at work. We could play jokes on people and funny shit like that and I could check out your boobs. Talk about a win-win situation.

Beach Bum said...

I agree with angryman, I salute your twins a well and think you need to do a reshoot on that picture with less Chuck and more you. The secret Santa stuff at work is voluntary and the limit is 10$. People still give out ass sucking gifts though.

[Un]Censored said...

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Atlas Cerise said...

It's hard to focus on Chuck Norris with your tits in the way. And that's a good thing.

Further on up the road said...

LMAO at the condom one - brilliant - just genius!

C.Rag said...

I don't give gifts to co-workers. I don't like 'em. I do give a blow job to my boss, but that's just for Xmas bonus.

Malach the Merciless said...

I love this type of gift giving

Sassy Lucy said...

Tis' my first visit, and yes blame Leighann, but don't tell her because she thinks I am a cyberstalker...I stalk her in real life too. Anyway I will be back, love your sense of humor.
Cool idea of your office being wrapped that took some time and sneaky effort on your SS's part.

RockDog said...

This post is loaded with brilliance that I must copy! My favorite: Secret Sabotage!

Alcohol as a gift is AWESOME! Only porn can trump that gift!

Question: What do you have against post-it notes with cats on them??? Who doesn't like a nice fuzzy wuzzy kitten! LOL!

Lawyerman said...

I still say we should have nailed old chuck to the wall before the picture. Your pose looks like you are fainting with lust with the eyes of the ranger upon you. As a bonus, we know even a picture of chuck could get himself down after being nailed up; just another demonstration of norris superiority over old-nail-hands.
Have a Sunny Solstice.