Thursday, December 20, 2007

Giftmas Meme

Ok, I was tagged for a meme, and I don't get all hot and bothered by them, but I didnt feel like writing a "real" post. I took some of the questions out because I am lazy and the answer would've been boring... Those of you who read this often, know at the very least I am always entertaining.

1. Wrapping or gift bags? I can wrap like a motherfucker, but when I give someone the gift of booze, I stick it in a bag for quicker access (I do put a bow on it so it looks festive).
2. Real or artificial tree? Personally, it doesn’t matter, but at someone else’s house, I prefer to vomit in their real tree, because it covers up the smell of my shrimp cocktail and gin.
3. When do you put up the tree? This year it happened during a blizzard.

4. When do you take the tree down? When the needles fall off and I’m sick of finding them in the oddest places, like down the back of my thong (WTF?)
5. Do you like eggnog? Only if I make it, and fill it full of alcoholic goodness.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? Easy Bake Oven. I used to melt legos and barbies inside
7. Do you have a nativity scene?
FUCK NO. I am a hardcore atheist. Although, one of my favorite Christmas memories was when I was 16; me, my gay best friend Mike, his then boyfriend and our slutty friend Casey stealing random pieces from people’s nativity scenes while we were rolling on ecstasy. We ended up with a wise man, two donkeys, a baby Jesus, a black Virgin Mary, and a random reindeer.
8. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
A goat. Seriously.
9. Favorite Christmas Movie? Usually I would say “ A Christmas Story”, hell I even have the shirt, buuuuuuut,
“Barely Legal Christmas” has taken it’s place.
10. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Shopping? Fuck that, I shoplift… What present means more than one you could’ve gone to jail for?
11. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Cock. Xmas is the season for cock-gobbling.
12. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear lights. The glow gives my boob a woodie.
13. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer? Peppermint, Peach, Cinnamon, Apple, Butterscotch… oh wait, those are my favorite flavors of Schnapps.
14. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning? Depends on how hungover I am.
15. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Those bell ringing sons of bitches.
16. Do you decorate your tree in any specific theme or color? Actually yes. This year I listened to Tool and drunkenly decorated the tree with reds, whites and silvers. It looks fanfuckingtastic.
17. What do you leave for Santa? single malt scotch. It’s why I get the shiny gifts.

This 9th drink of Giftmas was a recipe given to me by my friend MILFgasm.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie
  • ¾ oz Butterscotch Schnapps
  • ¼ Cinnamon Schnapps (I recommend Goldshlager)
  • ¼ Irish Cream

Pour over ice. It will leave you with the same feeling that 'all is right with the world', just like the cookies do. DO NOT SERVE TO CHILDREN.


Landon said...

How many times do I need to tell you?! Picking at your genital warts with a pine needle is not as sanitary as a sterile needle and Pinesol!

harx said...

Dude, I so want a goat! Send me one!

Mike said...

Gin and Shrimp cocktail vomit. Man, that brings back some truly pleasant memories.

RockDog said...

"11. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Cock. Xmas is the season for cock-gobbling.

This should be the new Christmas tradition in all circles of life! That is the gift that would make Christmas worth waking for!

And seriously, gin and shrimp cocktail vomit -- in a tree? I would have loved to party with you!

Rock ON!

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Is it sad that all I got from this post is the fact that you wear a thong and it's cock gobbling time of year??

Jay said...

I'm sure Santa really appreciates the single malt. It goes great with all those cookies he's gorged himself on all night.

He might like his own copy of "A Barely Legal Christmas" too. ;-)

moooooog35 said...

You've finally filled in the blanks for me...

I was wondering why my dick smelled like gin and shrimp cocktail after our party last Christmas.

Mystery solved.

Leighann said...

A goat? Nice.

Did you cook it or make a porn with it?

Atlas Cerise said...

Goats are the gift that keep on taking. Right in the ass. At least, that is what AngryMan tells me.

Anonymous said...

Have you ever been poked in the twat by a dried pine needle?

It hurts like a bitch and draws blood!

billymac said...

awesome shirt...

btw, santa drank merlot at my house when I was a kid, he never graduated to scotch.

TED VELVET said...

I like that picture as for the cock gobbling never heard of anythig more unchristmas-ish how dare you...where do you live again?

Hungry Mother said...

You certainly have the right Christmas spirit(s).

Anonymous said...

That sweatshirt makes your boobs look fucking huge, man!!

thanks for the comment on my blog. you get get my blog pregnant whenever you want. i'm sure it will enjoy that. maybe have a few drinks though first before gettin' down to bizness. :)

love your list. that was a fun as hell read!! :)

[Un]Censored said...

what? Pine needles & twat? Vomit in a Xmas Tree?!?

I don't know about you, but that is a BAD combination...though, creative way to decorate a tree.

Phoebe Fay said...

I love, really truly love, the shirt! And oh my. Ralphie, what big... shoulders ... you have.!

R.E.H. said...

So your boobs get wood? Haha... that's cute ;)

I think I'd like to be served up on your Christmas table this year... gobble, gobble...

Wait! Isn't that Thanksgiving? Ah, heck, I'll be giving my thanks!


Malach the Merciless said...

What are you like c.rag in disguise?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Landon: dude, i got those warts from your mom. i'm fucking pissed.

Harx: no. you'll just sodomize it.

Mike: the good ol days...i only drink gin now when i'm ok with blacking out.

Rockdog: it totally should. i hope with this post it gains popularity.

Ron: you are not alone.

Jay: agreed. he needs porn cause i dont think mrs claus puts out.

Moog: your dick smelling has nothing to do with me. could be all of those prostys. anyway, even if i wanted to suck your dick, you are so short you would need to stand on a stepladder when i was kneeling down.

Leighann: never saw the goat. it was donated in my honor to some shitty third world village.

Prepon: never been poked there by a pine needle. were you masterbating with a xmas wreath? they are pretty goddamn sexy...

Billy: he's a full blown alchy now, he wants nothing to do with merlot.

Ted: haaaaaaa! hypocrisy at it's finest.

Hungry: fucking a right i do.

Katie: everything makes my boobs look huge.

Brian Stanfill said...

"What present means more than one you could’ve gone to jail for?"

I expect you to risk life and limb... which means you should be driving intoxicated whilst you shoplift!