Wednesday, December 5, 2007

My Own Personal Snow Storm

Yesterday we had another blizzard, which is awesome because I got to leave work early (but still got paid regularly). However, it took me an extra hour to get home because assbags don’t know how to drive in the snow, or have forgotten how to. Making an already difficult traffic situation worse (since the bridge collapse, commutes are extra shitacular), are the cheesedicks walking around ON THE HWY who had got in an accident or their car stuck in the ditch. WTF?! Stay in your goddamn car and wait for the highway patrol, and Judas H. Priest, don’t block the fucking snow plows!

Granted, I’m new to the game of driving in the snow, but even I have the basics down. One of the biggest rules is not to ride up on the ass of other cars… When I had my Florida plates the first winter I was up here, people were sure to give me PLENTY of room. I guess it freaks people out when the roads are icy and they see someone with a license plate from a state that never sees snow. So when I traded those in for boring Minnesota plates, I had to do something to counteract the douchebaggery on wheels. This morning was so cold, my taint was shivering. Combine that with my laziness towards brushing the snow off my car, I once again decided to leave all of the snow other than what I needed to see out of my windshield and rear windshield. This causes my car to become a little snow mountain (it was piled so high, you couldn’t see there was a spoiler on my car). Once I start going at a decent speed, all of that accumulated snow starts flying off in sheets, and hitting other people’s windows. Tailgate me now bitches, because I’m my own little personal snow storm! Moving to another climate is all about finding ways to adapt.
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My happy hour plans had to be rescheduled yesterday because of all of the snow; no worries, I still got my drink on. Which brings me to the first of my “12 Drinks of Giftmas;" these have the Tequila Mockingbird seal of approval, and are sure to make your Giftmas a Merry one!

Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer
  • 1 1/4 oz. Light Rum
  • 1 1/2 oz. Lemon Juice
  • 1/2 oz. Genadine

Add some ice, serve in a highball glass, and garnish with a cherry!


Bruce, a work in progress said...

Wow, I get first crack at you! WooHoo! It's snowing in Maryland right now. First one of the season. We're only supposed to get 2-3 inches and it still took me 2 1/2 hours to get to work. People here freak out if they see two or more flakes at the same time.

moooooog35 said...

I was in a 3-hour ice-storm commute one morning.


I damn near filled my interior with pee and poo.

Because it was ice, pretty much everyone was stuck on the side of the road except for us with four-wheel drive were actually sticking the left two wheels into the snow in order to get traction.

Here's the thing...

EVERYONE else was out of their cars.

But, since all the cars were stopped, and you were the only one driving, you felt like you were the Grand Marshall of the Macy's parade...

...because the people were, and I swear, all sitting on the hoods of thier cars waving at you as you drove by.

Nothing like an ice storm to feed your narcissism.

Hungry Mother said...

Don't forget a bottle of Sloe Gin in your car's emergency kit. You can make some awesome snow cones when you get stuck. Watch out for yellow snow, though.

C.Rag said...

I need to learn how to drive in the snow. Otherwise, I'm hiring an Arab or something to drive me around.

harx said...

your blogs always make me thirsty

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Bruce: yeah, you gotta get here right away to put the first comment in. people are retards when it comes to snow. same thing with rain. i used to drive through mild hurricanes, so a little bit of rain is nothing.

Moog: i would've been pointing and laughing while driving by all of the assholes with sitting on their cars.

Hungry: i travel with flask.

c.rag: come to minneapolis, i will teach you how to drive in snow.

harx: me too.

Mike said...

People always assume that we northerners are born with the ability to drive in snow. Fact is, it is a learned skill that we forget every spring and have to re-learn every fall. There are always way more accidents during the first storm than there are on any subsequent storms.

Buzzardbilly said...

I grew up on a curvy, narrow, two-lane road with most spots having river on one side, sheer rock face on the other, and the possibility of a drunkenly driven overloaded coal truck barrelling out of control on every curve. When it snowed, we must broke out the hot cocoa, peppermint schnapps, and whipped cream.

TED VELVET said...

You'd figure those norsemen would know how to drive in the snow by now. I like the assholes that speed like crazy because they have four wheel drive, they forget that it's the stopping not the going that causes the accidents. unless they have magic breaks and tires that can stop on a dime in the snow.

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

i disagree with the "people forget how to drive" philosophy that mike speaks of. people are either idiots or they're not, that's my philosophy.

i agree driving in the winter is a learned skill. when i drove this past saturday through stormy conditions, it's exactly how i remembered it. it's like riding a bike. when you're young and you first learn, you'll occasionally fall down, but eventually you reach a high level of expertise where you're not prone to such mishaps, regardless of layoff.

when i bicycle i don't fall down any more, unless my rear wheel slides a bit unexpectedly on a wet wooden bridge surface when it's raining and takes me from 16 to 0 MPH in about 1 second. (i still have the cracked brake handle to prove it.) and that, folks, is why bicyclists wear a helmet, but i digress.

even the best of drivers will occasionally hit unexpected conditions at the wrong speed and wrong angle during a winter storm, and all hell breaks loose, but that happens to experienced drivers in the middle of the summer, too.

i do think there are more accidents during the first storm than there are during the last storm of the season. that's because even though veterans like me have been through the wars of winter driving, there are a few new driver's out there for the first time with their license, as well as transplants from sunny southern states embarking upon their first winter. throw in a few idiots who are hell bent to drive like idiots until the day their luck runs out, and yeah, you get a few more accidents.

i'd like to see a study that shows accidents occur at a significantly higher rate during the first storm of the season. i don't think that's true. idiots are idiots all winter long.

perhaps this should have been a blog topic for the jukebox.

Jay said...

I'm pretty good at driving in the snow, but I really hate doing it. In fact I'm better at driving in the snow than I am on dry roads. I think it's cause I actually pay attention to what I'm doing when I'm driving in the snow. Which makes me very different from most people around here.

Of course, around here it's just a bunch of rednecks in their HUGE trucks who think they are invincible. So we've got that going for us. ;-)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: that might be a reason, but it is not an excuse. and actually, this was our second snow storm, the first one was this weekend.

Buzzard: mmm, sounds like another good giftmas time drink!

Ted: four wheel drive doesnt do shit when youre on black ice either.

Fonz: you wrote a war and peace length comment, so yeah take it to the jukebox.

Jay: yeah, huge trucks are magic! like getting the star on mario... NOTHING CAN HURT YOU!

Beach Bum said...

When I was stationed at Fort Carson outside Colorado Springs I also noticed everyone giving me plenty of room while driving in the snow. As soon as I changed my South Carolina plates to Colorado it changed. I slid through several red lights with ice on the road right up until I left that place.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I don't have a cherry left to garnish anything with.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Beach: at the beginning of winter, i like to go to an empty parking lot and just slide around. i get it out of my system, and driving on snow all comes back to me.

Prepon: lemons maybe?

Colonel Colonel said...

A few years ago I was driving the interstate back from New Hampshire one afternoon in very light traffic in a moderately bad snowstorm. We were all doing about 45 mph. Then this red sports car buzzes past us all in the left lane doing about 70.

Sure enough five or six miles down the road, there's the red sports car sitting, spun around and stuck, in the wide, snow-covered median strip with a guy leaning on the hood looking annoyed.

R.E.H. said...

I love your vengeful driving tricks there. I do it too, but for me it's out of laziness. Rid the car of whatever snow is required to allow me enough view of the road to drive.

BTW. Meme is up, and ready for your reading pleasure.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Colonel: that reminds me of the dbag in the porsche i saw in the ditch yesterday.

REH: as i said, part of why i do it is the laziness. thanks for doing the meme.

Malach the Merciless said...

No snow here yet

Kitty DeMure said...

I hate snow. Its one of the reasons I left Vermont years ago.

Here in the Pacific NW we had snow and then flooding--major flooding--over the weekend/past few days. Even though we're known for our rain, people out here can't drive worth a damn in it. We even have many accidents each year caused by rainbows. Freaking rainbows!

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Lol, I don't do snow.

billymac said...

I moved to GA around 4 years ago, I hate to say this, but I actually miss snow. Something just ain't right when it is 70 degrees on New Years Day (like it was our first winter here).

Sirdar said...

But does your snow stay now until spring?

We got snow over a week ago. Temps in the mid minus teens Celsius. They say this will be the coldest winter for quite some time...Oh joy....

Keep a stiff upper!! As my dad would say "Drive fast and get off the roads. It's dangerous out there!!"

here today, gone tomorrow said...

That drink sounds yummy! It snowed yesterday and was blowing into the night commute. That did not stop several assmunches to ride my rear bumper all the way home.

AngryMan said...

What do you want us to give you for Giftmas?

Elise said...

It hasn't snowed here yet! Its not fair... I'm going to make myself a Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer to cheer myself up.


Tequila Mockingbird said...

Malach: enjoy it while it lasts.

Kitty: drivers are easily distracted. it's why they had to stop the thong-wearing women who had hotdog stands in Tampa a few years back.

A Girl: i once was the same way when i lived in fla.

Billymac: i dont mind the snow so much, and i kind of like the seasons. i think if i ever moved back to fla, i'd miss it too.

Sirdar: yeah, we had snow in april last year.

Here Today: let me know how that drink works out for you.

Angryman: your wife.

Elise: even when it does snow, that drink will keep you warm better than any yuletide fire!