Sunday, December 9, 2007

Suck It Grim Reaper

I am pretty fuckin’ scared about getting old. Today when I was in Home Depot, this old man shit his pants. And I don’t mean he let one fly that was unusually rancid, no this guy took a steaming dump in his pants. The smell followed me, like the Angel of Death for at least three isles. I’m not sure what would be worse, shitting my pants in public or not knowing/caring I just shit my pants in public.
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Granted, there are good things about growing older, like sweet parking spots places like Perkins offers for Senior Citizens (when I first saw them, I’m like WTF, they already get the most choice parking spots with their handicapped stickers). Not to mention, they get great food specials, which are like the reasonable portions of kids meals, without the toy. Oh, to be able to bitch about "the good ol’ days" and force little children to listen and eat those disgusting Worther’s Originals.
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But worrying about breaking a hip and outliving your friends and loved ones would probably tip the scale to the negative side. So, to make up for this, I think when I get old, I’m going to make the best of it. I’m going to drive even faster than I do now; if I get stopped I’ll simply tell the officer: "look at me, I’m elderly… I’m trying to out run the Grim Reaper, and I can’t do that while going the speed limit." I will shoplift at every opportunity. If I’m caught, I will just pretend to be senile, and then start crying about how my grandchildren never visit me. They’ll let me go. Also, I definitely will be starting electrical wheelchair jousting matches at the old folks home. I plan to take full advantage of whatever prescription drugs they try to offer me in my nursing home. But, I’ll probably want to snort them to get the most benefits. With luck, I’ll have some offspring to sneak booze in to me, in hopes of a place in my will.

This weekend's Giftmas Drink of Choice, is one that will keep you warmer than those fugly afghans old people use. If you haven't tried the other 2, you had better, because life is short, and you could be shitting your pants before you know it.

White Christmas Dream
  • 1 oz vodka (I suggest Ketel One)
  • 1 oz amaretto
  • nutmeg for garnish

Pour ingredients into shaker filled with ice. Shake (it is best to let a woman do the shaking so you can watch her boobs jiggle). Garnish with nutmeg after pouring into cocktail class.


Jay said...

When I'm a seasoned citizen I will retire to Florida where I can hit the beach and stay young by watching and then hitting on the 20 year old girls in their bikinis. It would help to be rich though. haha

TED VELVET said...

yeah, just cry when you're old and get caught or pee on the floor and cry. or the coup de grace, shit yourself pee and cry.
this is gonna be long.
I used to bounce at a library. I know sounds wierd but there were a lot of nuts that hung out and scared the librarians so I would hang out and kick out the wackos. one old stinky guy named Duncan used to come everytday and read the entire NY times front to back. one day he shit himself, and the chair he was sitting in, went to the bathroom took off his shitty long johns rolled them in a ball, went back to his table and shitty chair, put the long johns on the table and kept reading. I pulled him up by his ear like a Nun would and threw him out the front door down a flight of steps. old jerk.

TED VELVET said...

woops: coup de gras

The Novice said...

As long I end up a Sean Connery, or better yet-Hugh Hefner; my money keeps my multiple girlfriends happy enough to bath me, pop my pills(No jokes, but yes-Viagra included), soak my dentures, and wipe my ass, I'll always see age as a fine wine.

Mike said...

This must have been the day for old men shitting their pants...and no, it wasn't me.

I was in the grocery store this afternoon and I noticed that all the lines in the checkout were full except for one. There was only one really old man with a cane in that one. I ran to the line and as soon as I got there I figured out why he was alone in the line. Holy fucking hell he had seriously shit himself. I hightailed it to one of the other crowded lines and waited in relative comfort.

When the old guy left, the manager came out with some spray Lysol and thoroughly sprayed the area.

Malach the Merciless said...

Old is a state of mind

billymac said...

maybe the old dude had a shart, it can happen to the best of us.

Love the drink recipes, especially regarding the bouncing boobies, that rocks.

Tex said...

What are you talking about? That sounds like heaps of fun. Just not giving a shit about where you are and filling your pants with warm smelly shit, and fuck the world, must be a real buzz. I can't wait till I become old and incontinent, and I want to lose all sexual inhibitions, so that if I see something which I like I just get out my cock and masturbate anywhere. Haha. That'd be the life. Old senile people have got it made, life for them is all fun and no responsibility.

C.Rag said...

So it's not normal for 25 year olds to shit in their pants.

Cash said...

So that's why old people smell so interestingly.


R.E.H. said...

I had this neighbor I wrote about a while back come join me in the laundry room, smelling suspiciously like he had shat himself... gotta feel sorry for them too, though - but my nose doesn't care.

When I become old, I wanna live in a retirement home filled with sexy young nurses that take care of my every need ;)

here today, gone tomorrow said...

I'm not going to let it get to the stage where I can't control my own bowels.

Hungry Mother said...

I don't shit in my pants (yet), but I do piss in my wetsuit when I'm kayaking on these cold days with 42 degree water. That warm flow around my lower body feels soooo good.

Bob said...

During my jizzmopping days, we had no public bathroom much like the rest of downtown Seattle.
You could come in, drop a buck and rough up the suspect at your leisure but you couldn't take a leak or drop a deuce. Or could you?

Management seemed to think that even if someone was willing to shake there dick at a TV screen in a semi public place, that they would think twice before pissing and shitting in the little tissue trash cans we kept in the spank tanks.
They usually didn't think once before I had to dispose of a piss filled water balloon of a trash bag, and the occasional bag of shit.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Holy crap (if you'll excuse the expression)! I was in Walmart the other day and thought I had walked into a cloud of chemical warfare agent. You don't think this is the same guy stalking us bloggers do you?
TM, you can always move back to Florida, buy a babby blue Crown Vic and drive around looking through the steering wheel ignoring the traffic laws. Either that or get a job bagging groceries at Publix. Or both.

Midleah said...

That old dude must have commuted over to my town; this morning at 8 AM I was behind him in line at Rite Aid. He bought a 12-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and was wearing size 12 bowling shoes.

No joke.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

First, I have nothing to worry about - I'm never going to be old.

Second, Ew!

Buzzardbilly said...

"so it's not normal for a 25 y/o to shit their pants"

Depends on what they do. The last time we went to see Tool I was sure the guy in front of us was loaded on smack because he was nodding most of the show and he shit his pants (oh the stench!). Then, at the end of the show, he had an encore of his own. He puked. It smelled like he'd been eating shit. It was the worst.

I think shitting his pants was normal for him. In two hours time he didn't make a move to clean it.

Buzzardbilly said...

Tequila, Old is what you make of it. I look forward to getting old for as long as I can be independent and crusty about it. The minute I'm no longer "me" I would like my check please. :)

Cash said...

I just peed on an old Hu-Man.

Good Times!


Preposterous Ponderings said...

Oh come on Werthers are my most favorite candy in the world! I have an orgasim everytime I pop one of them in my mouth. Yummy!

Someone should have offered Grandpa a wet wipe.

Phoebe Fay said...

Oh, growing old won't be so bad. So far, it still beats the hell out of the alternative.

Just buy stock in Depends and give young whippersnappers grief at every opportunity.

BBC said...

As much as you drink, you should be scared about getting old.

You youngsters think you know so much when you really know so little.

Good luck with your life though, and happy paths. Hugs.

Sara Sue said...

GAHHHHH!!! After reading the comments I'm afraid to go out during normal hours ... what's with all the shitty old men??

Sirdar said... are going to get old so you might as well get over it.

My problem won't be crapping in Home Depot, it will be walking into Home Depot. Arthritis is not a nice thing and I'm comparatively young with my youngest being 10 years old....

MILFgasm said...

I was at the gym the other day and there was an old guy on the treadmill in front of me. I noticed his light grey sweat pants had a bright red stain on his butt. He must have over exerted himself and ruptured a hemmorhoid. It was disgusting watching it grow bigger but at least it didn't smell!!