Thursday, December 27, 2007

Adventures With Auntie Cougar- Part I

No, folks, I'm not dead, just in Wisconsin (can you believe they actually sell fucking cheese curds at gas stations?) and rockin' some dial-up action.

My Aunt came to visit me from Florida before I departed to the land of the poor cholesterol. Auntie Cougar traveled in typical McMockingbird form (her maiden name was McMockingbird), with a some valium and a few of those little airplane skyy vodkas. So when I picked her up from the airport, she already had a fair amount of Giftmas spirit(s). It was the afternoon, so once she got settled and had a bit of a nap, she was ready to tie one on. I learned that because Belvedere vodka is so smooth, there is no need for a mixer and/or chaser, because one can just do shots of it.

We went bar hopping with The Novice and Landon. I feel the need to point out that my Aunt doesn't look like the average aunt. In fact, she looks exactly like me (big curly hair, big tits etc...In part II of the Auntie Cougar Adventures, I'll try to include a pic), except she is older and smells mentholy-fresh. She is just as loud, rowdy and can drink me under the table. Needless to say, Landon and The Novice were pleased to have double the McMockingbird trouble that night.

Auntie Cougar almost got in a fight with the bartender because he didn't put enough Crown Royal in her drink, and then refused to remake it. Luckily, there was this dude in the army that started buying us shots (red headed sluts amd washington apples). I think that is what got me into trouble. The Novice and Landon have been out drinking with me a whole helluva lot but have never seen me get sick (granted I've been close...), but with Auntie Cougar around I reeeeallly pushed myself to the limit. Next thing I know, we have left the bar, and I'm puking into a snowbank. Hot. We go to the Uptown Diner to try to get something to soak it up, and I get sick in the bathroom. They tell us we need to leave because it's their "policy". Fuck you and your goddamn policy, it's not like I made a mess ( Random Note: I have fantastic aim when it comes to puking). Ridiculous.

Anyway, here is the final and 12th drink of Giftmas. Yes, I know I'm late, but for me, the holiday season hasn't ended yet, so I'm actually within an acceptable time range.

The Poinsetta

  • 3 oz of Champagne, chilled (I recommend Korbel, it's a nice middle of the road champagne)
  • 3 oz. Cranberry Juice
  • 1 oz. Triple Sec

Serve in a highball glass, garnish with orange slice

32 comments:

Captain Flak Paperpants said...

I think you need to invent a drink called the Yellow Snow.

Beach Bum said...

...can you believe they actually sell fucking cheese curds at gas stations?

What really freaks me out is the gator heads they sell in gas stations from SC to FLA.

RockDog said...

"double the McMockingbird trouble"

I can't imagine surviving such a night...

moooooog35 said...

What the Hell is a cheese curd?

My guess is that it would closely resemble your snowbank vomit.

Leighann said...

Garnish with orange slices? Screw that, they'd just get in my way! :D

Hungry Mother said...

If I were in someplace as cold as Wisconsin, I'd be drinking lots of stuff.

TED VELVET said...

sounds like a night to remember if you can remember. Good aim and puking in a snowbank is my highest priority when looking for women. I'm a matter or fact puker as in, I'm gonna go over there and puke, be right back

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Capt: i will for next year.

Beach: i remember those. they creeped me out as a kid. a lot of times theyd be baby gator heads, which made me sad.

rockdog: it's a toughie, but possible...

Moog: it's a lump of fried cheese. if you want to be a fat ass it's a great item to add to your food pyramid. id much rather eat my snowy vomit than a cheese curd. at least i would get drunk off ot it...

Leighann: good thinking

Hungry: actually i cant drink up here. i wont get into why, but it's not my fault or because of something i did, it's just not acceptable to drink. i did bring the flask, chock full of belvedere though...

Mike said...

Further proof that in states like Michigan, Wisconsin and Minnesota, there is nothing to do but drink....and eat cheese curds.

I drank a single shot of whiskey with a friend of mine a few days before Christmas and almost puked. It is a shame the sad shape I have let myself get into.

Tequila Mockingbird said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tequila Mockingbird said...

Ted: oops, left you out. ohhhh man you would've had a great time...

Mike: sounds like you need to come up here so i can get you back into fighting form...

[Un]Censored said...

I would have summoned the chunks right onto their shoes. Why get kicked out w/out deserving it?

Make that shit happen!

[Un]Censored said...

Moog: Cheese curd...could be better illustrated as follows:

Cheese Turd

FOUR DINNERS said...

Cheese curds at gas stations.

Be afraid, be very afraid....

And drink lots of booze 'n have a great New Year babe.

('n no I didn't have a Dirty Sanchez moment - cheeky cow!!) x

C.Rag said...

So is there cheese curd liquor?

harx said...

your aunt sounds hawt

Jay said...

The fact that you have such great puking aim really makes me happy. I'm sure I could go out partying with you now. I just love dealing with professionals.

billymac said...

You know what would rule? Snow-puke ball fight, that's what.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I've always wanted to get drunk with my aunt. :D

Colonel Colonel said...

Why the fuck would anyone fry cheese?

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Cheese curds squeak when you chew on them. How cool is that?!

Malach the Merciless said...

Can I have a threesome with you and your aunt for XMas?

Sarah said...

I indulge in fried cheese curds every year at the county fair...this year they tried to make them healthy by not frying them in oil with transfat....are you kidding me? It just wasn't as satisfying

If you anywhere near the Brat stop go in and have a few---also order some fries with Merkt's cheese. Delish.

Joey Polanski said...

If I was president, Id give Wisconsin to Canada.

Read all about it: President Polanski Cuts th Cheese

R.E.H. said...

Random Note: I have fantastic aim when it comes to puking

I don't know about my own aim... I tend to shove my whole head into the toilet bowl when I need to vomit. (Thank God that happens very, very rarely)

Simply Curious said...

Mmm. Nummy. I love cranberry juice drinks. I think I'll whip this up tomorrow night.

AngryMan said...

Your Auntie Cougar sounds a lot like you. Is she going to make a play for C.Rag soon?

Bruce, a work in progress said...

She's just like you huh? Now I have a new fantasy. A Bruce sandwich.

Speaking of drinking, my mother is with us for Christmas and on the 26th she complained that the slice of my wife's rum cake that she had the night before went right to her head and made her sleepy. I told her it had the same effect on me. Especially with the six beers, three glasses of wine, and three egg nogs that I had before it. Did I mention my mother is with us for Christmas?

How are you surviving sobriety in cheeseland darlin'?

pissed off patricia said...

Yeah, what the hell is a cheese curd and if you buy one, what do you do with it? I'm in Florida, wonder if I know your Aunt. I sure know some ladies who would measure up to the lady you describe.

Sara Sue said...

Please, for the love of DOG, post pictures of the pukey snowbank!

Jon said...

Who gives a shit about cheese curds? I'm more concerned with the news that Dial-up still exists.

Buzzardbilly said...

Man, just when I thought the holiday season had seen its worst, I hear your eating cheese curds and rocking with dial-up. Eek!

I once got kicked out of a bar for puking on the life-sized Wonder Woman they had attached to the Ladies Room door. I got so mad I made my friends stand outside with me and wait for the feeling to come back, then I puked straight onto their big picture window. Hah!