Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Malach's Meme

I don’t get all hot and bothered over memes, but this particular meme I was tagged twice to do, so I might as well play along. Both Malach and Mooog tagged me to write a letter to my 13 year old self. Here goes:

Hey little 13 year old Tequila Mockingbird! It’s 1997, and you’re stuck in suckass middle school and life is not good times. Your taller than most of the boys (don’t worry, you are tapping out now, and won’t grow any taller than your current 5’10”, so NO you won’t be a freak), have braces, a smattering of freckles, and curly hair you don’t know how to deal with. I have some fanfuckingtastic news!!! In a year, they’ll stop calling you “giraffe” (because of the super tall, super skinny, and freckly spots), because you will grow some amazing boobs. The braces will come off and you’ll find hair solace with John Frieda’s frizz-ease, which will make your hair look fun enough that random people will come up and touch it in public.
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Also, learn to celebrate your differences. It may not be cool to be unique now, but soon you’ll find many people who appreciate your oddities and like you not in spite of them, but because of them. Remember that only dead fish swim with the stream.

Ok, now that THAT is all out of the way, a couple things to be aware of: you’ll become editor of your school newspaper when you’re a junior in high school; yes, it’ll be awesometacular, but at the start of your senior year, you will become pissed at your advisor and decide to take the staff and the advertisements with you to start your own underground school newspaper.

You’ll have a lot of fun screwing around with a wide spectrum of drugs, but all of that will come to a screeching halt on the day before New Year’s Eve when you are 20. You will have been awake for almost two days on a coke binge, and go to a party where you snort a combo of Xanex and Oxycontin, and then pop some muscle relaxers. If you had been awake, it probably would’ve scared the shit out of you when you wrapped your car around a phone pole. You won’t get a DUI, but it will be awful to hear how the firemen who cut you out of your car knew you because you crashed near the fire station your dad worked at while you were growing up. Fortunately you didn’t die or get facial scarring (no one likes scarred up bitches), and only came out of it with some pins, a plate and a bone graft in your leg. Stop freaking out, you don’t walk with a limp. In fact, you are cripplicious! Bottom line: stick to booze.

I know you think you’ll live in Florida your entire life; after all, you’re fourth generation, and a true native. You’ll move to Minnesota when you are 21. It won’t work out like you thought it would, but it’s for the best and you’re chaos will become controlled, as opposed to just chaos.

According to the rules, I am supposed to tag five other people:

1. SiteInsights
2. R.E.H.
3. Hungry Mother
4. Ted Velvet
5. Whomever else wants to answer
Rules are that these people link to me, write a letter to their 13 yr old self, and then tag five other people. It’s like a chain letter, without the promise of good luck.

25 comments:

TED VELVET said...

I tagged you for the same shit. fantastic crippleicious. I'm not a big letter writer myself. 5'10" at 13
that's gotta be easy to deal with.

Hungry Mother said...

Thanks for the tag. I'll get to it next day or two. You must have been a hell of a basketball player in junior high, if not later as well.

moooooog35 said...

You're cripplicious?!

I thought Stephen Hawking had the trademark on that.

Maybe he can go with something like:

Cripple-genius-tastic.

I'll mail that to him. I think he'll like it.

C.Rag said...

Blogger just screwed my comment again.

When did your inner slut come out?

Also I voted for the bb gun.

Malach the Merciless said...

Malach was 5'10" at 12, and now is only 6' 2"

Jay said...

When I was 13 there were a couple of really tall girls in our class. People teased them all the time too. Except me, of course. All I could think about was those looooooooooooooong legs! LOL ;-)

I got tagged for this one too, but mine won't be as interesting as yours. Maybe I should make some shit up? haha

TM's lonely guidance counselor from FL said...

Hear that, you lonely confused 13 year olds; stick to booze or you'll ended up crippled, if not cripplicious like poor TM.

Lets take a moment, sing Koom-bi-ya and remember what's really important, - - the children.

Now, I must close my blinds, and get the next 5'10 13 year old girl in my office.

Daddy want to spank!

Mike said...

I just love this meme. We've all got a story to tell.

Great post TM.

R.E.H. said...

Interesting letter... interesting meme (contrary to most)...

I'll get around to do mine on Wednesday I think.

billymac said...

Wow, you're a crazy broad... good stuff.

Jolean said...

love this! the awesome imagry and the unique words.. too funny, sounds like you had one hell of a night!

Simply Curious said...

I was short at 13 and I'm short now. I hated girls like you. Like, a lot. Now I love being little. I think I was 4' 11" as a teen and I'm about 5' 1" now. Hmph.

Controlled chaos is key. Great wording, and great post.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Well, at least you didn't think you had to give up booze too. :) I have no drug escapades...I was more the slutty tease type...
(I know, too much information)

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I am glad you survived that terrible wreck and we all now have our Tequila Mockingbird to enjoy.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Holy effing crap. I had no idea what a little hell-raiser you were.

Tell us more about theser boobs you grew.

Jezebel VonTizzle said...

that accident sounds awful! glad you made it out.....

Elise said...

You were giraffe? I wonder how many times that nickname has been used...

Carrot Top must be up there with it. Fattie is easily top 5...

I was Short Ass for a few months.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Have you ever seen what a giraffe can do with its tongue?

I'm seriously glad you're with us.

Eve said...

Great letter!

Sara Sue said...

Hot, red-headed, native Floridian! Got any pictures to go with this vision?? I love this meme!

Sirdar said...

Someone else just did one of these. It was pretty good....just like yours. I'm not sure I could do this. Too many things I would want to say....

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Nicely done, TM.

Hungry Mother said...

My letter is posted. Thanks for the opportunity.

Phoebe Fay said...

I am wildly impressed that you did an underground newspaper. Damn I wish I'd thought of that back in the day!

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA!!! I remember 13 year old Christina! I also remember sneaking OC's to you in the hospital and fighting with those whore nurses to let you have a goddamn cig! Oh the adventures!