Thursday, December 6, 2007

December's Douchebag of the Month

It may be the 6th of the month, but the title of Douchebag of the Month does not necessarily need to be bestowed on the first for it to still carry all of the douchetastic honor. December’s award goes out to all of the stores and places of commerce that have those bell ringing bastards outside. I have nothing against charity, but to be confronted by these self-righteous and (usually homely) people when I’m just trying to go grocery shopping (which I often do drunk); what a buzzkill.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Just because it is the holiday season does not make it okay for people to beg for money, like a
skell in a bar, offering sexual favors for a few dollars. You can wear a Santa hat and force some cheer, but this does not make me any more apt to part with my loose change. The Salvation Army, even without perpetrating douchebaggery under the guise of Christmas spirit and goodwill, is one of the WORST charities. They have been involved in children’s sex scandals (I’m funny like that, I don’t want to give money to pedophiles).

I would like to thank
Target for banning these harbingers of Douchemas from ringing bells outside their store. Granted, they only did it because they did not want to be connected to scandalous organizations, but even so, it is nice to be able to go there and not be assaulted by bell ringing sons of bitches.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

To lighten the mood, I would like to share the 2nd drink of my “12 Drinks of Giftmas.”

The Candy Cane
  • 3/4 oz of Creme de Cacao
  • 3/4 oz of Schnapps, peppermint
  • 1/4 oz of Grenadine

Fill a highball glass with grenadine and liquers. Stir, fill with cream, and top off with 7-up. Garnish with a candy cane.

34 comments:

C.Rag said...

I would give money to the bell ringers if they were hot & scandalously clothed

TED VELVET said...

i always give till it hurts and then I fall asleep

Tequila Mockingbird said...

C.rag: agreed. but they are NEVER hot (acutally, they are unpleasent looking), and fully clothed. VOMITgbiaofdjasifdjgodi

Ted: hot.

Jay said...

I totally agree. One of the reasons I shop at Target is because they said no to these people. I cannot stand that Goddamn bell ringing. The least they could do is give them some Christmas bells that wouldn't be so loud and make them stand out of the way of the front door a little bit.

Bob said...

The salvation army is fucking weird. I went to a few of their church services as a kid, and one of their summer camps. I was never diddled, but I was thoroughly freaked out by the weird uniforms and military style ranking system of the clergy.

I got beat up by a large group of young black thugs, all slightly older than myself but it was worth it because i didn't have to go to the Salvo afterwards and I could spend my Sundays playing video games a tradition that has been honored since then.

C.Rag said...

I will start my own charity with hot big titty chicks ringing bells.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Jay: i always want to steal their pots of money when i see them.

Bob: nice. i love tradition.

C.rag: i would give them all of my change. so would they be topless? or just scantily clad? either way...

billymac said...

c. rag... i would keep plenty of dollar bills in my wallet if you do. That would rule.

moooooog35 said...

I refuse to give to the Salvation Army.

We have one of those "Thrift Stores" in my town, and we wanted to give some of our furniture to it.

Those pricks will NOT accept it unless it's in "like new" condition.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? Do you think the people who are willing to buy my shart-filled underwear care if there's a f*cking SCRATCH on their coffee table?

Assholes.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

billy: as would i...

Moog: you'd think charity wouldnt be so goddamn picky.

R.E.H. said...

Hey, where is that Salvation Army thrift shop? I'm going in the back door ;)

The bell-ringers I can do without, too.

Mike said...

I am so disappointed. I have worked so hard all year to be douchebag of the month and here it is the end of the year and I didn't make it once again.

I think I am going to go drown my sorrows with a 5th of Summer's Eve.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

REH: yeah, if salvation army thrift store had strippers, they might not have made dbags of the month.

Mike: there is always next year, with 12 more chances to be the big winner!

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

i screwed this up once, so let's see if i can do it right this time. this is what i get for trying to be sneaky.

years ago i was at the local salvation army building for a newspaper-related purpose. i was in the lower level with one of the staffers. she took a phone call, set the phone down, went to the stairs and yelled "major barrrrrrrlowwwwwww, telephone." i was shell shocked by the fact that these people refer to each other by military titles. 10 years later i'm still haunted by it, and i can still hear the voice of that old lady yelling to the major.

meeting general malaise and major disaster that day: creepy.

Hungry Mother said...

Just a quick "humbug" as I shoulder my way by the bell ringer works for me. If they grab me and make me talk, I say, "Are there no poorhouses?" I'm well prepared to quote more Dickens to them if need be.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Fonz: that's what you get for being sneaky.

Hungry: tell them you are saving yoru loose change for tiny tim.

Buzzardbilly said...

When I went to the grocer's the other day, the Sally Army bell-ringing bitch was drunk off her ass. Not tipsy. She was Otis from Mayberry with a grayish meth-head undertone. I think she may have done something to the real bell bitch and was making it work for her.

Buzzardbilly said...

Oh, and LMMFAO at C.Rag's "I will start my own charity with hot big titty chicks ringing bells."

People would put dollars into those pots even if you simply called your charity "big titty chicks ringing bells."

[Un]Censored said...

In reply to C.Rag and Tequila: they should wear pasties with tassels...and maybe rollerskates...

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Buzzard: i dont think i would want to see that chick half naked ringing the bell... and i think the "big titty chicks ringing bells" would get more money if it was called just that.

[un]: with pigtails?

Jolean said...

i'm loving your 12 drinks og giftmas, too cool.. i agree about the bell ringwers, then they make you feel guilty for not giving.. thats why i keep no cash or change on me, only debit/ credit. then i have a legitimate excuse.. i'm with moog, they need to accept whatever stuff they can get!

Colonel Colonel said...

People, we keep getting off the topic at hand, which is our new charity with big titty chicks and bells (on their fingers and bells on their toes). I'll bet if you gave them part of the take, a lot of strippers would volunteer, and that's sort of good work, right, getting strippers out of the bars and back on the streets where they belong?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Jolean: good plan. leave them no option but to take a credit number or fuck off.

Colonel: thanks for getting us back to what is really important. they actually have (or at least had) a thing in fla, put on by one of the radio stations "toys for tots"... you bring some toys for charity and then you get to see some stripper boobies in your face. genius.

Malach the Merciless said...

Wow, I would vote for you for President, I think

Sarah said...

I went into one those Salvation Army stores once and it smelled liked crotch rot. And thank you for the candy cane recipe...I am going to enjoy one tonight, ring a bell and see if my husband will throw me some loose change.

BBC said...

Actually hon, the Salvation does a lot of good work and that is when they raise a heck of a lot of the money that they help others with for a whole year before they do it again just before Christmas.

The reason they do it just before Christmas is because in general people are feeling more giving then. I rang a bell one year myself. Well, I didn't ring it very damn much, I posted about it in fact.
Free the bell
Right click and select to open link in a new window.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Those bell ringing bastards always wait until they get their damn bell right next to my ear before they give it a good ring!!!!!!

Then you give them some cash and they give you a sticker.A fucking sticker!!!!!

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Okay - I'm laughing hysterically at the directions to open a link. TM - did you take notes? One day you may need to open a link.

As for the ringers, yeah, most annyoing sound permitted in a public walkway.

I considered buying a piano at the Salvation Army and this homeless looking woman threw herself over it and screamed "It's mine!!!". Hey crazy biatch, you think I'm touching it after you touched it? That was my one and only Salvation Army experience.

The Novice said...

Last year I worked for Target Corp in the Community Relations department. Do you know how many millions of mouthbreathers have bitched about loosing those goddamned bell ringers? They're the reason for your pain, my dear.

The year before, I helped film an S.A. commercial for a local TV station. The creepy "drill sergeant" ordered the Girl Scouts and ladies of the Red Hat Society to "parachute" out of a C-130 Hercules with their donations. My point? It was a fucked up day.

Hot chicks with boobies already have bells.

Sirdar said...

We got bell ringers up here too. I don't do much shopping, or should I say that I don't do much shopping where they are. For one thing it is too darn cold for them to be outside ringing their bells. And the stores don't want their staff to go nuts listening to their bells all day. So, they just sit and tinkle every once in a while...

Becky said...

Every time I see one of those salvation army people, I am reminded of austin powers when dr. evil explains how his assistant, the frow, is from the militant wing of the salvation army.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Malach: goddamn right, you should.

BBC: i see that indoctrination video worked well. yeah, salvation army does a lot of good, if by a lot of good you mean sexually abusing children. but hey, you are entitled to your opinion, even if it is wrong. i was going to just tell you to suckle upon a bag of dicks, but your link was somewhat amusing.

Prepon: what does anyone want with a goddamn sticker?

A Girl: i would've passed on the piano too. but before that i wouldve probably kicked her in the shin.

Novice: how did i not know you were a tool and worked at target? what else havent you told me?

Sirdar: so i guess you would call that the intermitant heralding in of a Merry Douchemas.

Becky: HAAAAAAAA! i never thought of that.

AngryMan said...

I think I'll be trying out some of these drinks at the Giftmas Dinner party Wifey and I are going to tonight. Thanks for the help [insert cool nickname for yourself]. AH HAH! I think I should start giving nickname awards for all my bloggers! Yes, a new post is forming . . .

BBC said...

"salvation army does a lot of good, if by a lot of good you mean sexually abusing children."

I wouldn't know about that hon, I haven't personally heard much about it anyway. I figure that the Catholic church has the corner on that market.