Monday, December 3, 2007

A Giftmas Miracle!

All week the news had been telling us that we were going to get a snowstorm that would bring us 5-10 inches of snow. So when it started to hit, I was content to stay indoors and enjoy some liquid holiday cheer. However, coming from the land of the ice and snow, the midnight sun, where the hot springs flow (mmm, Zeppelin), Lawyerman felt the need to go out in the blizzard to get the giftmas tree. I guess that’s what four wheel drive is for, right?

Many people don’t get why Lawyerman and I have always had giftmas trees, even though both of us are staunch atheists. One of the main reasons he likes having a tree is it gives him a chance to tell people about its pagan origins. I incorporate it into a holiday of my own creation, Giftmas. It is basically where you hang out with people you like and/or care about, get festively drunk as much as possible, make and eat foods that are bad for you. I think people have gotten away from the true meaning of the holidays, and are forgetting that Santa died for our presents; that’s where the giving and receiving of awesome gifts comes in (and sometimes tacky sweaters that have so much of the giftmas spirit that they need to be re-gifted to someone else).
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Anyway, so we get the tree back to his house and as it starts melting, I am surprised with the extra foot and a half wide it is. Even more surprising while hanging stocking with care, I hear some screeching sounds and peer into the tree. IT IS A FUCKING BAT! I guess with the snowstorm hit, he went inside to get some shelter. I start freaking out, which scares the bat, and he flies out of the tree like the squirrel from Natl. Lampoons Christmas Vacation. Lawyerman grabs a tennis racket, DragonBoy is upset, begging him not to kill it, because it might be batman, and we are finally able to get it corralled near the door. I shove open the door, which scares the hell out of the woman standing outside the front door who was dropping off a holiday wreath; after delivery was two weeks overdue, I had assumed that the cub scout that sold Lawyerman a wreath had just ripped him off and had ridiculed him mercilessly about it.
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Even after the bat had flown away, wreath-delivery-mom was still swatting at her hair. And that folks, is a true Giftmas miracle! I chuckled about it throughout my drunken decorating of my color-coordinated Giftmas tree.

30 comments:

Bob said...

Bat shit crazy.

Does harvesting X-mas trees count as deforestation?

The Y2K New Years party I was at in Florida had scored about 120 X-mas trees from a seasonal lot for a bonfire. By the end of December all X-mas trees in Florida are nice and brown, like Lil Mama. The trees were laid on there sides and stacked in a giant rectangle the size of a single wide trailer and lit ablaze at once. It was awesome.

Mike said...

I hate bats almost as much as I hate Christmas trees.

We had a bat in our house a few years ago. I tried to kill it but it went away. I have no idea where it went.

Oh wait. That wasn't a bat. It was my wife.

Never mind.

R.E.H. said...

Bat in a christmas tree ;) That takes the cake!

The wreath-delivery lady must've had damn near a heart-attack right?

C.Rag said...

So did it turn into Dracula or anything?

I like fake xmas trees that get caught on fire. It fun for everyone.

Jay said...

A bat in the Christmas tree? Awesome! This is what I'm missing out on with a fake tree. A fake tree I'm not even putting up this year.

Too bad you guys didn't get to put little reindeer antlers or a Santa's hat on the bat. That would have been cute. Much cuter than putting them on the cat. Just don't use super glue this time. ;-)

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I kill Christmas trees!

I want a shirt with pink flamingos like the one you posted. It would look so good with my oversized faux pearl necklace and earrings.

I bet I'd be a real hit if I sprayed on my rose scented perfume.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Bob: i remember hearing about that party. my parents wouldn't let me go to it. suckass.

Mike: are you hitting the gin again?

REH: i dont think she will be peddling her wreaths to LM anymore.

C.rag: not sure if it was dracula. ohhhh man xmas trees catching on fire IS hillarious. then there are NO presents for ANYONE! haaaaaaaaahahahah

Jay: that would've made an awesome giftmas card, with the bat in a santa hat... "have a rabie-tacular holiday season!"

Prepon: at work we are actually having a contest to see who can find the most hideous xmas shirt, and then we are all wearing them for our xmas card.

harx said...

The best thing about giftmas trees is that they provide ample opportunity for stupid people to burn their own house down.

moooooog35 said...

That story is awesome.

Makes me want to put a fake bat in our fake tree.

Too bad your hubby didn't kill it. He could have then used it as a natural "top" by impaling it on the tip of the tree.

...although, I always feel guilty putting our snowman on the top of ours...it's like I'm giving him a colonoscopy.

[Un]Censored said...

LMAO! Now, with all of those shinanigans, all you need is a Leg Lamp:P

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Harx: i like to think of it as the holiday culling of the herd. if you dont have enough fucking sense to keep the space heater away from your tree, then you deserve to burn to death.

Moog: lawyerman is not my husband. and his son would've freaked out if we had killed the bat. I like to put an empty bottle of shnapps on top of the tree. peppermint, just like candy canes!

Uncensored: I FUCKING LOVE A CHRISTMAS STORY!!! it's legitimately my fave holiday movie. and yeah, i would totally LOVE a lamp like that.

Malach the Merciless said...

Christmas is a secular holiday now

TED VELVET said...

jingle bells,
a bat can smell
tequila's fragrant poon....
I can't think of anything else I suck.
I like bats, they fly around my backyard at dusk in the summer and eat all my bugs.

Sarah said...

I myself witnessed a Christmas Vacation moment while enjoying a few bottles of merriment...our jackass neighbor bought this huge ass tree and my husband is like..."that isn't going to fit". Sure enough, he's back outside trimming the hell out of it (it was sleeting mind you). Then like any good "buzzed" neighbors, we both hoped that his front windows would break out like they did in the movie.

Drum Roll Please....

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

My guess is that the lady at the door thinks you planned it. May her deliveries never be late again!

Adam West, Christian Bale, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, and George Clooney said...

We like the sound of this tree...

sagacioushillbilly said...

I once had a bat fly out of my ass. It happened on Halloween while I was bobbing for apples (and by bobbing I mean sucking and by apples I mean hot throbbalicious man cock). At first I thought it was my boyfriend trying to tickle my taint, but it turns out it really was a bat. I still came, though.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Sweet. You should've thrown a coat over the bat and hit with a hammer. All you needed then was a big dog chasing the bat around and jumping on the lady at the door.

We watched A Christmas Story last week and I was online looking for one of those lamps. I want one for my rec room bad. The full sized ones are pricey.

ProbationSucks said...

You can get the leg lamps at www.thingsyouneverknew.com. They sell 20" for $35 and 40" for $199. They even sell a six-foot inflatable one for the front yard for $80 - can you imagine the look on your neighbors faces?!? HA!

billymac said...

ummmm, yeah... what sagacious hillbilly said is sorta creeping me out, and when I say creeping me out, I mean turning me on.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Malach: it's for the best.

Ted: agreed, that was a poor effort. that isn't even enough to deck the halls with.

Sarah: yeah, this tree was the same way... it took up waaay more space when it thawed out and the branches came down. but no trimming was neccessary.

A girl: it was too hillarious to be planned. unless most people keep bats in their house. ick.

Batman: ha. this is to be expected.

Bruce: there was no big dog.

Proby: awesome shit. i think instead of the little tree you and hubby have in your living room, you should get one of those. i'm sure your kiddo would appreciate it!

Billy: umkay. if it rocks your dock that much, maybe you should contact him.

Hungry Mother said...

You ever get drunk enough to knock the whole tree over and get to totally redecorate (except for the lights)? You'll never guess who I know that did just that.

Baba Doodlius said...

Treeful of bat: the gift that keeps on giving.

Simply Curious said...

That was awesome. I giggled through the whole post. So was he upset that you let Batman go?

Beats the fucking possum that wouldn't get off my porch the other night. Possums are fucking scary...

Beach Bum said...

One of the biggest pains in the ass for me about this whole holiday season is the damn Christmas tree. My wife will spend hours agonizing over which theme she will make me dig out from the attic for the year. Having a bat making an appearance might make the chore actually fun for a change.

Simply Curious: Possums are nothing find a nervous raccoon in your closed garage late at night. Now that scary because those little bastards will go after you.

Sirdar said...

You're going to h-e-double hockey sticks....and I'll see you there :-)

We don't do Christmas either. And yes it is about the pagan thing.

The bat must have been scared stiff. Glad he got out in one piece...and you are not drained of your blood by Count Dracula.

AngryMan said...

Does Giftmas involve couple swapping?

moooooog35 said...

Hey Teq, I tagged you at my site.

Colonel Colonel said...

I once kept a half-dozen live finches in a Christmas tree. They shit all over the ornaments, but they were very festive, especially when the little suckers got drunk on eggnog.

Mimzie said...

I hope you're happy! I just read ". . .that Santa died for our presents. . ." and laughed so hard that I tinkled a little!