UPDATE: we are now "even" because of the wine that I spilled (when no one at all was supposed to be drinking) that they think broke their internets (come on, there is no fucking correlation, but whatever). Guess I didn't clean it all up...WHAT THE FUCK?! Lawyerman's parents gave me chickens for giftmas. Seriously, MOTHERFUCKING CHICKENS. Some bullshit about giving them to a needy family, blah blah blah. Knowing that chickens were donated to poor people in some shithole country doesn't give me a warm feeling. It makes me feel ripped off. The only chicken I want for the holidays is cooked and served with a side of mashed potatoes. I know it makes me a selfish asshole, but I don't really care. Frankly, I'd rather donate needles to heroin addicts.
Why not just give me a goddamn giftcard? Then at least I could get something I actually want. However, I should point out that just because a store offers giftcards, doesn't mean you need to buy them for people; one year I got a 30 dollar giftcard to 7-11. Who hangs out at 7-11's besides fucking bums?
To everyone who thinks it's the thought that counts, that's just platitude sodomy we tell kids when they get presents they hate. The question I ask, is what fucking thought posessed you to buy me chickens? I know what thought they were thinking when they bought me three cupcake pans... they want to fatten me up. Yes, I do indeed bake, but I dont need to bake 36 cupcakes simultaneously.
The card they gave me that accompanied my fanfuckingtastic present of chickens said "Many good wishes for the holiday and the coming new year." Well, I have a few wishes. The first one is that I wish I had brought a bigger flask to deal with this bullshit. The second wish is that I NEVER GET FUCKING CHICKENS FOR A PRESENT AGAIN. The third one is that I continue to contain my disgust at hearing Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas CD for the gazillionth time (come on, Christmas was over almost a week ago). I think my first and third wish go hand-in-hand.