Saturday, December 29, 2007

NO, it's not the thought that counts.

UPDATE: we are now "even" because of the wine that I spilled (when no one at all was supposed to be drinking) that they think broke their internets (come on, there is no fucking correlation, but whatever). Guess I didn't clean it all up...
WHAT THE FUCK?! Lawyerman's parents gave me chickens for giftmas. Seriously,
MOTHERFUCKING CHICKENS. Some bullshit about giving them to a needy family, blah blah blah. Knowing that chickens were donated to poor people in some shithole country doesn't give me a warm feeling. It makes me feel ripped off. The only chicken I want for the holidays is cooked and served with a side of mashed potatoes. I know it makes me a selfish asshole, but I don't really care. Frankly, I'd rather donate needles to heroin addicts.
christmas chicken


Why not just give me a goddamn giftcard? Then at least I could get something I actually want. However, I should point out that just because a store offers giftcards, doesn't mean you need to buy them for people; one year I got a 30 dollar giftcard to 7-11. Who hangs out at 7-11's besides fucking bums?


To everyone who thinks it's the thought that counts, that's just platitude sodomy we tell kids when they get presents they hate. The question I ask, is what fucking thought posessed you to buy me chickens? I know what thought they were thinking when they bought me three cupcake pans... they want to fatten me up. Yes, I do indeed bake, but I dont need to bake 36 cupcakes simultaneously.


The card they gave me that accompanied my fanfuckingtastic present of chickens said "Many good wishes for the holiday and the coming new year." Well, I have a few wishes. The first one is that I wish I had brought a bigger flask to deal with this bullshit. The second wish is that I NEVER GET FUCKING CHICKENS FOR A PRESENT AGAIN. The third one is that I continue to contain my disgust at hearing Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas CD for the gazillionth time (come on, Christmas was over almost a week ago). I think my first and third wish go hand-in-hand.

30 comments:

FOUR DINNERS said...

It really isn't good enough is it? I mean, even Homer got a pig!!

What are you going to call them? Or have you cooked 'em already? ;-)

Leighann said...

First a goat and now chickens? Does Karma not like you or what?? :D

Malach the Merciless said...

I think there is a ton of subliminal meaning behind this gift . . . YOU RUINED THEIR SON!

Tex said...

Me and me wife gave some pressies like that. We gave a pig to a village, a toilet (apparently they got sick of making like bears), and some organic vegetable gardens.

We have everything we want and if we want anything new, we buy it. The last thing I need is shit from strangers that I don't want or need which just clutters my house.

My dad got a coffee grinder, which is funny 'cause he hates coffee. The people who gave it are probably starbucks suckers, you know the ones. They walk around with coffee in cardboard cups as though they're fucking special because they drink Starbucks or Gloria Jeans, and they act as though their shit doesn't stink because they drink coffee and therefore must have such good taste.

Jay said...

One of the great things about chicken is it's versatility. You can go with either white or red wine when serving it.

$30 a 7-11?

That's like 20 of those coke slushies!

Or maybe 25 of those hot dogs. You know, the ones that have been sitting under the heat lamp for like 7 days already. mmmmmm.... good stuff. LOL ;-)

katie said...

Oh, tequila! Your blog cracks my shit every time i come here and read it!

I am totally cravin' a little KFC right about now after reading this. us down south take our fried chicken real serious and shit.

Happy Giftmas to you too!

Simply Curious said...

So wait. Lemmie get this straight. They gave you the gift of giving a gift to someone else?

billymac said...

Chickens... they're the gift that keep on giving the whole year round Clark.

Hungry Mother said...

If they're laying chickens, you can gather eggs for your egg nog; if not, wring their scrawny necks and eat 'em, after you fuck 'em.

Colonel Colonel said...

Look on the bright side- at least the chickens are in Africa. Would you rather have them at your place, sqawking all night, shitting on the rug, and taking nips of vodka when you're not looking? You don't want to clean up after drunk chickens, trust me...

TED VELVET said...

that's what happens when you reject jesus Christ as your lord and savior, you get get the chicken treatment. Just ask St. Peter. Pretend to love him like the rest of us and your luck with change.

Malicious Intent said...

Build a pen, have fresh eggs every morning for brekky. Ok, not....there is always target practice. Feathers for down pillows? NO? Still not your thing. Just take them to the butcher, invite them over for dinner next week. I got some great chicken recipes.

Joey Polanski said...

Youd appreciate mothrfuckin chickens if you was a mothr in need of a good chickn-fucking.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

At least it wasn't a card from "The Human Fund- money for people".

They really had to spend money to buy the chickens.

Buzzardbilly said...

Did you lose all shit on them when you found out that your gift was finding out they bought chickens for somebody else?

I think you need to find some Nat Geographic pic of a villager fucking a chicken. Frame it. Make sure that every time they come over they get to see the pic of the villagers enjoying your Christmas chicken.

That should stop the chicken giving.

Buzzardbilly said...

PS: Even if you have to stage the shot.

Maybe it can be your Christmas card for next year too.

R.E.H. said...

A gift card to 7-11? That made me laugh whole heartedly... what a stupid gift ;)

Enjoy your chickens!

And... have a Happy New Year!

RockDog said...

Chickens? Fucking chickens??? Seriously??? And they did it with a straight face???

Bruce, a work in progress said...

What is that, the fucking poor man's 12 days of Christmas? They could've at least made them calling birds or something.
I HATE people that give gifts that THEY like rather than taking time to think about giving something that the other person might actually like. Then they act like you should be grateful and shit. Fuckers. It's like people that offer to help you with something them they fuck it all up and you have to redo it after they leave but you're supposed to be thankful for the "help".
Chickens? On top of having to stay sober? Torture.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

What the hell?

Now that is the worst damn present I think I ever heard of anyone getting.

I say chop their heads off and go lay them right outside their front door.

....that sounded sadistic didn't it?

Oh well!

Cluck! Cluck!

The Novice said...

At least you get your X-Mass chickens either alive and unplucked or ready for the fryer. It's a bitch when you're given one in between.

brianstanfill said...

Would you rather have received Jesus' missing foreskin?

Landon said...

What a waste people in Africa don't even have the capacity to digest chickens or eggs due to their inexperince of having any. They will get massive diarhea and dehydrate from the chicken spraying from their ass!

Captain Flak Paperpants said...

BUHGAWWWWK!

C.Rag said...

Damn Right!

Why didn't they support the charity you created?

AngryMan said...

Hey now, you can get some good malt liquor at 7-11 w/that gift card. If you don't want it, send it along.

Beach Bum said...

Buy some real chickens and leave them on their doorstep with a card saying the gift was returned. I got a tie again from my in-laws and threw it back in their car right before they left. I hate ties.

sirdar said...

Ya know...if someone from Cameroon or the Caribbean sent you chickens when you were starving you would appreciate it too :-)

It could be worse...I only got coal...

Sara Sue said...

Choke the chickens. You know ... slushies from 7-11 make excellent mixers.

Umbutu Ungabunga said...

Ungowa!
You missed the point, it was both a test of your manners and poise, and a little joke at your expense. Good to see you handled it well.

Ungowa, bitch, Ungowa.

P.S. Thanks for the fucking chickens, I guess.