Friday, December 7, 2007

7 Things That Do Not Help A Hangover

Last night I hit up Williams in Uptown with a friend. The first couple of hours, were rough, being that they didn’t offer two-for-one specials. Luckily, the bartender who had the ponytail of the Highlander (and I mentioned this to him too) was very friendly and not being a Scrooge with the vodka-to-mixer ratio. We ran into The Novice, lonely because his roommate Landon (our other drinking buddy), is in Jamaica. He was looking to score some ass, but going about it the wrong way, by hitting on the other bartender, a legitimate beast.
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The cool thing about Williams is that in the basement, they have a peanut bar, with free peanuts you can throw the shells on the floor. When we brought the peanuts upstairs to eat them, the bartender (who looked like she ate many, many peanuts), snatched them out of my hands. This of course angers me (I had been double fisting for about two hours at this point), but the Novice sees where this can lead, and doesn’t want another situation like when I almost got in a fight with a piano player, so he diffuses the situation.
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Fast forward to this morning; I have made a list—

What Does Not Help A Hangover:

  1. Being yelled because the night before you were singing Dio while stumbling in. I argued that maybe there WAS a rainbow in the dark, but then I was told I wasn’t singing that, but instead Holy Diver.
  2. Spraying perfume in your mouth thinking it is breath spray (it smells delicious, but Gucci Rush does not taste delicious).
  3. Having to do a scavenger hunt for your keys (how did they get in the refrigerator?)
  4. Buttoning up your jacket the wrong way, so that when you walk outside a cold blast of wind gets in the gap and freezes your boobs.
  5. Following that up with scraping ice off your windshield and intermittently stopping to take a deep breath so as not to vomit in the snowdrift.
  6. Driving to work and listening to techno Christmas music because you are unable to change the station (goddamn you leather gloves that make my fingers into fat little sausages!)
  7. Deciding to eat leftover cake from yesterday’s birthday celebration for breakfast.

39 comments:

TED VELVET said...

sunlight bad, moving bad, waking up at all bad. snow and cold bad. all of these are bad. just stay drunk

C.Rag said...

Listen to the Velvet, stay drunk & also listen to me stay home don't go to work.

Jay said...

Yeah, staying home is the best option.


If somebody took a thing of peanuts out of my hands when I was drunk there would be hell to pay.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Ted: agreed. i'd wear sunglasses inside the office if i could.

C.rag: too late. you should come make my hangover all better.

jay: so you totally understand why i almost punched her in the throat. thanks!

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

So are the boobs damaged? Like frostbitten? :O

Just curious...I think it's about 60 today.

R.E.H. said...

I would love to hear you singing "Holy Diver" walking into the bar... "Rainbow in the Dark", even better!

Elise said...

Waking up is bad for a hangover! x

Tequila Mockingbird said...

A girl: no, my rack is fine. although, that would legitimately suck, to have a nip need to be removed because it was frostbitten.

REH: it's classic. sometimes i do lynyrd skynyrd when i'm shitfaced at 3 am at dennys.

Elise: yeah, i wanted to sleep but alas, i did need to go to work today.

Beach Bum said...

Driving to work and listening to techno Christmas music because you are unable to change the station (goddamn you leather gloves that make my fingers into fat little sausages!)

Having to listen to any Christmas music, even the old stuff, is akin to torture for me. With a number of local radio station nothing but it now my Buffett and Bob Marley CD's are playing non-stop.

g-man said...

Rainbow in the dark one of my personal favs.

Cold boobs are just bad unless there is a tee shirt and no bra involved.

Barfing is not an option!

Week old cake would be bad, day old notsomuch.

Feel better.

moooooog35 said...

What kind of person yells at someone for singing DIO?!?!?

You should have killed them with some sort of karate chop to the throat RIGHT THEN.

..if you came in singing Christmas Techno songs, then...yes...you'd deserve to die too.

AngryMan said...

So, when you go to this bar and this guy is working, do you yell out "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!"

Tequila Mockingbird said...

BeachBum: trust me, it's ten times worse when the christmas songs are done to music you are supposed to be on exstacy to listen to.

G-man: i did have clothes on underneath the coat. i managed not to barf. it was decent cake. a little drier than yesterday, but edible.

Moog: i know. dio is something EVERYONE should appreciate, whether it is in the wee hours of the morning or not.

Angry: actually, i did. and if i had my sword with me, i would've tried to take his head off so i could take his immortality.

Phoebe Fay said...

Sorry, I was too distracted by Adrian Paul to read anything you wrote. God I love men with big swords.

Warped Mind of Ron said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
C.Rag said...

Carpet licking always cures the hangover.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I don't drink, what's a "hangover"? is that some new hip lingo you kids use :) As for peanuts. If a persons hands crosses your chow zone you are allowed to bite off the hand. I think it's a commonly accepted rule.

Malach the Merciless said...

Some addendums

1. Eggs of any type

2. Clams

Tequila Mockingbird said...

phoebe: he IS yummy!

c.rag: but i have a REALLY bad hangover, so i dont think a minimal amount would help.

Ron: be glad you are a stranger to hangovers. and i wouldnt have bit the peanut stealer... her hands were all greasy and she had dirty finger nails. stab her with my cocktail sword, yes.

Malach: agreed. especially not eggs and clams together.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Ah to be young again. You have all the fun.

As for the bartender and the peanuts (sounds like a kid's book), I believe I would've responded in my best man posessed mode by glaring at her through slitted eyes under lowered brow and said quietly in a raspy voice "Do that again and you'll pull back a fucking bloody stump."

Hungry Mother said...

You problem is that you don't have enough years of being drunk. There's a magic point at which you can't get any more hangovers, nor can you sober up. I think it's when you've burned out a critical mass of brain cells.

Mike said...

There are so many things I miss about not drinking, but your numbered list about sums up all the things I do not miss.

Sadly, the only thing that ever cured a hangover for me besides time, was more drinking.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Bruce: i will try that next time.

Hungry: that sounds a little too close to liver damage to me.

Mike: that would've been a good solution, but i had to work, so i didnt start drinking again...

Simply Curious said...

Fuck. I hate it when I get perfume in my mouth. The taste doesn't go away for hours.

Sirdar said...

There is a restaurant here that has peanuts and you through the shells on the floor.

Dio rocks!!! I must say...you live a hard partying life. Been there....and know how you feel.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Ewwww perfume breath freshner!

FOUR DINNERS said...

Oh babe!!!!! I wanna night out with you!!!!!

billymac said...

You know what else is no good for a hangover? Balls.

C.Rag said...

I never do just minimal.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Curious: i know. it's why i ate the cake.

Sirdar: i dont party THAT hardcore...

Prepon: it was vile. the peanuts, mandarin vodka, red bull, quesadillas from the night before i was burping up tasted better.

Dillag: i think you would be pretty kickass to get drunk with.

Billy: are you saying you like to have balls in your face after a night of drinking? i will take your word for it.

C.rag: prove it.

AngryMan said...

I get the feeling that the two of you, C.Rag and Tequila, are going to end up doing it online w/a 3D sex program. That's going to be some hot virtual action!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Angry: sounds like you've already thought this out. 3d sex is probably fun and all... if your like 13 and living in your mom's basement, but eh... i'm more for the real business.

Buzzardbilly said...

Whoever complained about "Holy Diver" hasn't been the recipient of even one holy diving.

Alka Seltzer Cold Plus (lemon flavored) used to be the only thing that got my hangovers. Don't fuck with the whole glass of water though, throw those puppies in about a 1/2 cup of ice cold water and slam it down. Makes for a better morning.

The Novice said...

I'm just glad peanuts don't require a fork or knife for eating. That bartender would have surely suffered.

Sara Sue said...

HEY!! 3-D sex is great when your 49 and living in your mom's basement too! No herpes anyway ...

So ... you going out tonight too??

Colonel Colonel said...

I'm aiting for the T-Bird/C.Rag podcast-video...

Cash said...

Also, hair from the dog that bit you will not help. People believe that it will, but it won't.

LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

BBC said...

I found a solution to that years ago. I don't drink so much that I have hangovers.

You kids are just lightweights that think you can handle it all. If you make it to my age you will see how stupid you were being.

But hey, tipping a drink with you. :-)

BBC said...

Boobs? Did someone say boobs? Hey man, what's the 20 (CB slang) on the tits?