Monday, October 15, 2007

Pirates, Toliet Sandwiches, and Amazon Women

Friday wasn’t really notable, but Saturday night more than made up for it. Went out with my boys, The Novice (my “project”, as he needs assistance getting laid), Landon (his room mate), and Camaroon. Before we met up with Camaroon in downtown (he was at the insufferable Bella Notte, with its pretentious crowd, and expensive drinks), we stopped at Liquor Lyles in Uptown. Everyone knows the phrase “man’s man” well, this place was a “bar’s bar”. It has two happy hours, one in the afternoon and then another one at night, and is filled to the brim with used up stripper types and full blown alcoholics. Buuuuut, they have two for one specials, with extra potent drinks. I also met the first of three pirates there. He wasn’t dressed up like a pirate to be funny, like the second one I met who was part of a bachelorette party, I think he was just a little “off”. Notice the anchor prison-style tattoo on his cheek.

At Bella Notte, the only really interesting thing that happened was the population of Amazon Women. I’m kind of tall for a chick, almost 5’10”, and these broads had to be 6 foot. Like, they were so ginormous, I would not have been surprised to see William Shatner beaming down to their planet.

We stayed the remainder of the night at The Local, a great irish pub. I managed to piss off the bartender, which sucked because he made me a Cran-Vodka that was redder than the blood of a Scotsman. Unfortunately, I hadn’t brought my flask to top it off with, so I regulated myself to getting drinks from the other side of the bar.

I almost got into a fight with some douchebag playing the piano. He kept playing the same John Lennon song, “Imagine”, which I like, but not 11 times in a row. I told him I would rather suck off an AIDS patient than hear that goddamn song again. He then challenged me to play, and I knew I was drunk enough I should not accept that challenge. The Novice’s piano talents rival, if not exceed mine, and so he tried to defend my honor and accept the challenge, and the Dbag was not letting him play. I threatened to punch him in the throat, and although I was with four guys, the PianoDouche was with a bunch of friends too, so Camaroon wisely tried to simmer me down.

After bar close, we went to Jimmy Johns, for some boozed up sandwich action. Granted, I didn’t expect the employees to be friendly, but they were downright rude. I know it sucks to work at a sandwich place in downtown after bar close, and deal with a bunch of drunks, but there’s no need to be an asshole about it. Somehow half of my sandwich fell on the ground, so I took it with me to the restroom, and arranged it (artfully, I thought) upon the toilet. If they were happy about their station in life, I doubt they were when they came in later to clean the bathrooms and saw this:
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Sunday, when I was looking in my wallet to see how much money I invested in getting drunk the night before, I found a dollar with “I’ve got enough cum in my eye to know I don’t like it” scrawled in my handwriting. I don’t recall the conversation that inspired me to write that, but I can only imagine the curiosity of the person who receives that dollar down the road.

A special congratulations goes out to Camaroon for bagging a Cougar.

26 comments:

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Girl, you really know how to have a good time.

Your work is nice, yes, but it lacks a compositional element. I think Prepon perhaps could add a little something to the arrangement that would finish it nicely.

C.Rag said...

I love the happy face on the tomato.

C.Rag said...

Also I hope that dollar ends up in the hands of some Christian Right fucker who freaks out!

moooooog35 said...

If I find that dollar, I'll let you know.

In the meantime, if you get one that says: "Be it known to the holder of this bill that it was once rolled up tight and shoved in my ass," then, well, that's mine.

SagaciousHillbilly said...

Mmmm, Virginia baked ham with lettuce and tomato and . . . is that a side of potato salad?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Bruce: aye, i do know how to have a good time, and Prepon could probably have added to my art.

C.rag: it is a classic! and agreed, i hope the dollar finds a good home.

Moog: yeah, keep an eye out for it and i'll keep some anti bacterial hand gel near in case i encounter your dollar.

Sag: no potato salad. it was a ham and turkey sammich, provalone, lettuce, tomato and mustard.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

You are an Amazon woman to me. I'm only 5'1" but always lie and say I am 5'2" because it makes me feel taller.

You should have added a few urine sprinkles around the lunch meat on the john.

C.Rag said...

I'm 5'2" but I say I'm 5'2". The world is out to get short people.

SagaciousHillbilly said...

Just in case some of you don't read comments from TequiMo's past posts:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIwT5GIP_bA

Check it out.
I give it a 9.
Good beat, nice melody, easy to dance to.

If only it had the lovely, vivacious and always effervescent TequiMo as one of the stars.

TED VELVET said...

the only thing better about a toilet sandwich is making someone eat it while having sex with them.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Prepon: i would've, but i didnt feel like hovering above meat, cheeze, lettuce and tomato.

C.rag (i guess this is to Prepon too): nothing wrong with short girls. they dont even need to get on their knees. they are right at crotch level.

Sag: you are really whoring out that video arent you? PLEASE EVERYONE, GO SEE THIS, SO HE WONT POST THE GODDAMN LINK A THIRD TIME.

Ted: that must be the secret to your long marriage.

TED VELVET said...

yup, lunchmeats and sex in places with locks on the doors. (kids always walking in= need a lock.)

SagaciousHillbilly said...

Yes, watch it now, and in case you don't have the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIwT5GIP_bA

Mike said...

Oh great...now I am hungry for a Jimmy John's sandwich.

Malach the Merciless said...

So, over or under until who long TM hits:

Rehab

Death

Pregnant

Married

Pope Benedict XVI said...

10 minute under, for De Pope for all

Beach Bum said...

T-Bird, you have to come down to South Carolina and party with me and my brother who I call Joe Cool. Hell, if I ever get up your way please take show me the amazon woman place. I'm a little over 6'-5", just have to think of a story for my wife.

Mr R Rabbit said...

Short girls are a lot more fun. So much easier to do fun stuff with.

As to your art, very good, I'd like to give you a grant from the Tate Modern for it but unfortunately I have nothing to do with that place so I can't.

Sara Sue said...

I wish you'd have left a turd in the bowl too.

AngryMan said...

I want to nail a cougar. That's the downside of being married . . .

here today, gone tomorrow said...

c beat me to it - the smiley face tomato sent me over the edge. I love your brain; please take care of it.

C.Rag said...

I want a rich cougar.

Prin said...

lol @ the dollar. I guess it's ok to sound bitter if you got cum in your eye and only got a buck for your troubles.

If I find it, I'm gonna frame it. :D

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Ted: make it one with a deadbolt.

SAG: STFU already.

Mike: they are pretty goddamn delicious! i always go for the #11

Malach: other than rehab, eventually all of those things will probably happen to me. Granted, i would like to get knocked up AFTER i get married (and i have every intention of doing so), but yeah, one day i WILL die. so will you. it's all about timing.

BeachBum: sounds like legitimate goodtimes!

Rabbit: thanks for mental image of a short girl being spun around like a top.

Sara: i didnt want to compromise my art.

Angryman: arent you a little old for a cougar?

Here Today: i'm not doing that bad of a job of taking care of my brain. the drunken shenanigan stories are amusing, so those are the main ones i tell.

c.rag: dont we all?

Prin: uhhhh that's not how it went. i was having some drunken convo, that i dont remember, and somehow i said "well i've got enough cum in my eye to know i dont like it" and thought it was so profound i wrote it on a dollar.

Sirdar said...

No doubt you know how to drink...and drink lots!! Why are there pirates in your city? Do they come up the river? Weird.

I know what it is like to be surrounded by amazon women. I'm only 5'-6" and I came out of the apartments that my friend was staying at and when I opened the front door, all these tall women can walking through. I found out they were on the university volleyball team.

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