Monday, October 8, 2007

Kenny G, Grinch Eyes, and a House Party

It was definitely a binge-tastic weekend, which means I got absolutely nothing accomplished except for damaging my liver (hey, I’m growing it BIG n STRONG!) and making some cornbread (no, seriously, and it turned out quite well).

Friday night: I start out with some pre-drinking at home (I’m a boozer on a budget) then meet up with some friends at The Drink in Uptown because they gave us a free drink coupon. It was a good thing, because it solved the dilemma of where to go first. The waitress with the grinch eyes and the who-ville face was there, and it seems she is getting ready for winter, because she had packed on at least 20 lbs since we last saw her a couple months ago. The Novice was a douchebag and told her I wanted a picture of her, instead of just being James Bond about it and letting me sneak one.

So, we head on over to The Independent, where I saw a guy that looked like Kenny G. Me being the asshole that I am, I felt the overwhelming need to announce in my loud, drunken voice “OHHHHHHH MAAAH FUCKING GAWD!!! IT’S KENNY G!!!” He was not amused, but because I had my boobs pressed up against him and my arm around him, being offended did not keep him from being a tool, and allowing me to take a picture with him.

Saturday night: Once I recovered from being hungover, I went to Sarah and Joe’s
housewarming party. I wasn’t quite sure which house was theirs because I left the house number at home. I figured if I knocked on enough doors, because I had a sack of liquor, SOMEONE would let me in. Anyway, when I get there, because it is a new place, I immediately look around for a place to vomit later (I like to plan ahead).

Bill showed up with a medal on, for some Tae Kwon Do thing he had just gone to. Of course I want to wear it around. I threaten to steal it, he threatens to kick me. Even more fantastic, when Dorf shows up ALSO WITH A MEDAL (it was almost too good to be true), I promptly take it from him and challenge Bill to some kung fu fighting. Sadly, the battle never happened. But I did almost get into a fight. My friend’s girlfriend, who shall remain nameless, kept running her mouth, and practically BEGGING me to hit her in the face. Keeping in mind, she is only a few inches taller than most standard midgets, and I am almost 5’10”, it would not have been a fair fight. Soooooo I laughed. A lot, in her face, and sometimes while pointing. Although, vodka blurred my vision, I’m pretty sure other people were laughing at her too. I told my friend that any acts of douchebaggery I may have committed upon him in the past, we were now ‘even stevens’.
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At a certain point, I was so drunk that even when I stopped drinking, I was still becoming more inebriated. It was time to “tap out”. Like an animal that knows it will soon die and finds a quiet place to die, I found the airbeds and passed out. The next morning, I left the remaining bottle of vodka I had brought there, as a housewarming present (it’s the gift that keeps giving). On the drive home, I was concerned about getting stopped by the law, because I still felt drunk. That’s when you know you have a quality evening… when you still feel drunk the next day. I even met a new drinking buddy, April. What a grand night!

19 comments:

C.Rag said...

So did you play Kenny G's "saxophone"?

moooooog35 said...

I define a quality evening of drinking by my ability to vomit bile. If I'm vomiting things I've ingested (food, alcohol, small animals), then the night was a waste and I could have done better.

AngryMan said...

"Acts of douchebaggery", sounds like a novel in the making!!!

Malach the Merciless said...

Ahh, . He is know as Matty B. basically plays a Sax and looks like a Blode Kenny G. Awful stuff.

Malach the Merciless said...

http://mattyb.com/html/flashgallery.asp?id={2954696B-28F9-4040-B810-2E32B8A801AB}

Check out some videos here, he has cut his hair last time I saw him

Cash said...

I once had an evil plan to make Kenny-G play the brown note.

HAHA!

All you Hu-Mans pooped in your pants!

LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

Phoebe Fay said...

I officially feel old now. I can't handle weekends like that any more. I am a panty-waist wuss.

Sara Sue said...

Good times! Next party how 'bout convincing some of these specimens to submit their wangs for WOWW, huh? Tell 'em they'll be internet stars, that's way better than a medal!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

c.rag: gawd no. however, if i see him again, i will be sure to send him YOUR way.

moog: been there, done that. lately i've been trying to keep the vomiting down to a minimum. sometimes it can't always be helped.

Angryman: oh, it is. the movie will be even better!

Malach: my ears are still bleeding.

Cash: you redefine animal cruelty.

Phoebe: my time is coming. you are not old.. just well seasoned. like stew. everyone loves stew.

Sara: i'll see what i can do.

C.Rag said...

My time came prematurely. If I have more than two drinks, I have a wicked hangover. Over two fucking drinks! If I have more than two drinks I start stripping & CockMaster doesn’t approve of that in public places. I remind him it’s how I paid for living costs in college. I was just testing my Higher Education skills.

FOUR DINNERS said...

Kenny G? I know Kenny from South Park but it isn't him.....

Colonel Colonel said...

A few years ago my wife and I were going to an Xmas party of some acquaintances whose house we had been to once. It was in the country, with thick trees between each house, and very dark, and we found the one that we thought it was, and there were cars parked up and down the road, so we parked and got out and walked up the drive, and the lghts were on, and the door was unlocked, so after ringing the bell and getting no answer, we went on in.

Wandered through the house a bit.

Nobody home.

Um. Perhaps, we thought, we'd better leave...

The party was one house over.

(this was all before we'd had anything to drink)

Mike said...

The thing about being drunk the next morning actually can mean one or two things:

1. You got really drunk the night before and had a great time.

2. Your liver is failing.

Let's drink to number 1.

I think I have 2 covered for you.

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

it is good to know you're back to your old self after the cameo at your dentist's office.

you may not be immune to dental problems, but i'll bet you never get sick.

alcohol, after all, kills germs.

Sirdar said...

No wonder he wasn't amused...he looks like Ted Nugent...in his prime :-)

You obviously live a much younger life than I do. I used to do a lot of partying before marriage...and when kids came around...I think I've been drunk twice in 15 years. Sad really.....

Cash said...

I can maul any Tae Kwon Do medal winner.

Heads on Poles!

LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

SagaciousHillbilly said...

Holy shit TM! Is that you in that picture? Lucky you!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

C.rag: more evidence we need to drink together.

Four Dinners: kenny G and kenny from south park are waaaaay different! consider yourself lucky if you legitimately dont know who kenny G is.

Colonel: how did the people who you walked into their home feel? must not have been in the south because you might have buckshot in your ass from it.

Arthur: goddamn right! i am as healthy as a horse. a drunken horse.

Cash: try it.

Sag: oh yes. that is indeed me. thanks.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

Lol, you make me wonder what it would have been like to not be a mom at 20. Living vicariously through you - cheers!