After careful consideration at the many worthy nominees, I chose Kato Kaelin for my Douchebag Of The Month award. The close runner up was Bob Sagat, who is possibly the anti-christ for invading my dreams last night. It wasn’t the current older, more lecherous looking Bob Sagat, but the one from America’s Funniest Home Videos and Full House, and although I am a bit hazy on the particulars, I think he was trying to steal my soul. I am somewhat ashamed to admit it was almost an erotic dream.
Anyway, the main reason Kato Kaelin deserves this illustrious award is for his stealth douchebaggery. Some people are overt, blatant and undeniable d-bags. Kato is one that flies somewhat below the radar, and even sometimes disappears. He came to his notoriety during his testimony in the OJ Simpson murder trial, and soaked every possible drop of ‘celeb-by-proxy’ from that, much like a maggot will suck every bit of dead rotting flesh from a carcass. I really can’t fault him for that, seeing as how he was only a houseguest of a murderer away from giving handjobs to truckers and sleeping on a park bench.
I think Kato went wrong by not finding himself a Cougar to take care of his lazy, often unemployed ass. With his lack of intelligence, California Tool smile, and gay male stripper physique, he would’ve been just what most Cougars are looking for. Instead, he popped up in the entertainment world, on the radio, playing poker on TV, hosting this or that. Where I saw him last week is what made me positive he earned Douchebag of the Month award; he was on some regurgitated news show weighing in his opinion on OJ stealing his memorabilia back. I understand people maybe giving a rat’s ass what he thought in the OJ murder trial, but unless he was staying as a guest (free of charge obviously) of the hotel where OJ was stealing from, what can he possibly offer that is of any substance? And that is why he deserves this award, for continuing to suckle upon the teat of OJ Simpson, even when it has long been dried up.