Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Douchebag Of The Month Award

After careful consideration at the many worthy nominees, I chose Kato Kaelin for my Douchebag Of The Month award. The close runner up was Bob Sagat, who is possibly the anti-christ for invading my dreams last night. It wasn’t the current older, more lecherous looking Bob Sagat, but the one from America’s Funniest Home Videos and Full House, and although I am a bit hazy on the particulars, I think he was trying to steal my soul. I am somewhat ashamed to admit it was almost an erotic dream.

Anyway, the main reason Kato Kaelin deserves this illustrious award is for his stealth douchebaggery. Some people are overt, blatant and undeniable d-bags. Kato is one that flies somewhat below the radar, and even sometimes disappears. He came to his notoriety during his testimony in the OJ Simpson murder trial, and soaked every possible drop of ‘celeb-by-proxy’ from that, much like a maggot will suck every bit of dead rotting flesh from a carcass. I really can’t fault him for that, seeing as how he was only a houseguest of a murderer away from giving handjobs to truckers and sleeping on a park bench.

I think Kato went wrong by not finding himself a
Cougar to take care of his lazy, often unemployed ass. With his lack of intelligence, California Tool smile, and gay male stripper physique, he would’ve been just what most Cougars are looking for. Instead, he popped up in the entertainment world, on the radio, playing poker on TV, hosting this or that. Where I saw him last week is what made me positive he earned Douchebag of the Month award; he was on some regurgitated news show weighing in his opinion on OJ stealing his memorabilia back. I understand people maybe giving a rat’s ass what he thought in the OJ murder trial, but unless he was staying as a guest (free of charge obviously) of the hotel where OJ was stealing from, what can he possibly offer that is of any substance? And that is why he deserves this award, for continuing to suckle upon the teat of OJ Simpson, even when it has long been dried up.

21 comments:

AngryMan said...

This comes dangerously close to C.Rag's "Punch In The Face Award". I smell a cat fight!

Mike said...

Why would anyone name themselves Kato. I mean come on, is that not a cry for help right from the get-go? Why oh why didn't OJ slice him up too?

Colonel Colonel said...

"for continuing to suckle upon the teat of OJ Simpson"

Thank you ever so much for that disturbing piece of imagery. I was wondering what to have for lunch, now maybe I'll just skip it.

But it's a great idea for an award, and a worthy recipient. When do the new nominations open? Not that I have a list, or anything...

Malach the Merciless said...

Sagat! Sagat rocks, watch some his standup on Youtube.

moooooog35 said...

Of all the douchebags to picture teat suckling, you bring up Kato.

You honestly couldn't think of something (SOMETHING) that involved Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Love-Hewitt? Now THAT makes for good teat-suckling imagery.

Thank you in advance for such consideration next time. Don't forget to mention the teats.

Moooooog35
http:/midgetmanofsteel.blogspot.com

FOUR DINNERS said...

Kato? Wasn't he some'at to do with The Green Hornet? Bruce Lee I think n he's dead...

...sadly OJ isn't

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Maybe Kato is O.J.'s secret lover...

He does always seem to try and come to his rescue when something goes wrong.

Hmmmmmmmmmm

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Angryman: no, this is entirely different. and for starting blogosphere fights, you might be in the contending for next months award.

Mike: oj shouldve. hopefully that is his first order of business once he is out from under police surveillance.

Colonel: you are welcome, as always. this was octobers award, so i freely accept nominations for November's.

Malach: i have. i enjoy how freely he admits to sucking dick for crack. do you like him so much because you can relate?

Moog: it wasn't supposed to be pornographic, but when and if i do a blog on chicks that should make out, they will definitely make the list.

Four Dinners: give it some time.

Prepon: i dont think they are lovers. if so, he wouldve gotten his head almost cut off too. but i will refer back to my response to mike; if it happens, maybe that means they WERE playing spank n tickle.

Phoebe Fay said...

Until this morning, I had totally forgotten that Kato Kaelin existed.

I was happier that way.

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

I don't know if many people remember this, but Bruce was once our neighbor, having been born a Cheddarhead. I think he went to college for a while in Eau Claire before deciding a life of couch crashing was more his speed.

While you can fault Bruce for having an opinion on the latest OJ kerfuffle, I can't fault him completely. Chances are he had nothing else going on that day (what are the odds?) and needed to remind people his aging gay ass is still around, looking for a paycheck simply for being himself.

The blame also has to go the broadcast network that decided the ass clown was worthy of an opinion. If I beg to offer an opinion on the latest OJ indiscretion, CNN isn't going to stick me in front of the camera. News channels aren't obligataed to carry Brian's opinion, obviously, but any of them who did should be ashamed, although it can be argued their shame went out the window years ago.

C.Rag said...

AngryMan has just pissed because I won the blogger fight we had.

Tequila & I are natural redheads we only fight over sex & liquor.

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

first i called him bruce, than i called him brian. i am an idiot. (that may have been a given.) but the bottom line is that kato's given name is bruce. or was it brian?

yeah, it is brian, brian kaelin. i am an idiot! yet somehow i got it right by the end of my rant, go figure. i must be confusing kato with c.c. deville. that guy's real name is bruce. i'm almost positive.

Jon said...

Wasn't Sagat one of the Street Fighters?

I believe it was Bob Saget who used to suck dick for coke.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Pheobe fay: that's part of the reason Kato got the award. i had forgotten about him too until i saw him on TV. i think all of our lives would be better sans kato.

Fonz: his name is brian. still doesnt make him any less of a D bag. if anything it makes him more, because he CHOSE to call himself Kato. but you are correct in that the network should share in his douchetacular award.

C.rag: agreed. i only fight over booze and bangin', or while boozing and banging.

jon: streetfighter no, sucking dick for coke yes. but who doesnt these days?

AngryMan said...

Tequila:
Well, damn, what have I done to piss you off? I've alredy got Jedi and C.Rag angry at me, I don't need anyone else.

Colonel Colonel said...

He changed his name to "Kato"???

Not only is he a douchebag, he can't fucking spell.

jedimacfan said...

Bob Sagat is a fucking loser. Have you ever seen Father and Scout? God how terrible.

Sirdar said...

Ya gotta feel for the guy. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time and he became synonymous with OJ. But, being that he has made a living out of that so-called notoriety, he probably deserves the douchbag award.

Sara Sue said...

This old cougar wouldn't fuck Kato with your pussy.

Sara Sue said...

But ... I'd consider that Ashton kid.

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