Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Mortality of My Boobs

Last night, well pleasantly enjoying some cocktails, I was confronted with the mortality of my boobs. Granted, I know that I will grow old and die eventually, but to be confronted with the ocular horror of what my fanfuckintastic rack will look like 40 years from now shook me to my core.

It happened when I was avidly watching
HBO’s “Tell me you love me”, which is usually full of copious amounts of sex and youthful, perky breasts. Unfortunately, they showed one of the characters, Dr May Foster, straddling her husband and much to my dismay, also showed her 60 year old boobs. I was instantly seized with an icy hot fear of what my own cans will look like one day. Why would this show want to add that into the mix; it’s supposed to be a sexy show. It would have sufficed to show them under the covers (away from my now scarred retinas), making sweaty, KY-infused, geriatric love.

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So I have decided to treat them like people treat houseplants; I will talk to them positively, and it will help them thrive. Perhaps if I stay positive about the life of my jugs, then that optimism will defy gravity and they will be spectacular when I am older. If that fails to work, then I go to option two, and see a cosmetic surgery. It just seems a shame to give up on them... they've never given up on me; they snag me free drinks, made me great tips when I worked at hooters, and even won me a wet t shirt contest once or twice.


I understand some people get their rocks off looking at old ladies, and everyone is entitled to their own personal kink. But just like scat fetishes, it’s something better left behind closed doors and special magazines and websites. I don’t deserve to be confronted with how my sweet chariots will one day swing low.

28 comments:

moooooog35 said...

..pre-ordering the Golden Girls Gone Wild video now..

..and hoping they have a commemorative "scat" edition.

Betty White...how hot is THAT.

TED VELVET said...

keep the titties in the bra and well oiled, don't breast feed when you have a baby and find someone just like me, or me, if you fail to find my substitute, to rub, message, fondle and smack with penis daily, That's how to keep em' looking nice. And that show blows donkey dick. Even the title reeks of losers. "tell me you love me." Desperate, clinging, cloying. I can't stand desperate, depressed couples, so why the fuck would I want to watch them on tv ? The old hag swinging her cow udders is really just the icing on a cake made of shit.

Mike said...

Look at the positive side of things. When someone yells show me your boobs, you won't have to lift your shirt so high---or your dress depending on how low they might be hanging.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mooog: i'm surprised you dont already have the movie in your collection.

Ted: thanks for the helpful tips. i watch the show because in between crying jags, and neediness, there are some great sex scenes. what can i say, i am a sucker for shows with graphic sex in them.

Mike: well, you know what the difference between an young girls tits and a old womans tits, right? a belly button.

SagaciousHillbilly said...

Ted's advice to not breast feed is wrong, wrong, wrong. Studies show that breast feeding actually strengthens breast tissue. I also know from my first wife's 38Ds that breasts after breast feeding are somehow a bit firmer. The only exception to that is when small breasted women get really big ones while nursing.
Sagacious(lifelongobserver)Hillbilly

C.Rag said...

I've always talked to my twins.
I cheer for them & I insist on motorboating.

TED VELVET said...

I'll defer to the Hillbilly with the jagunda breasted 1st wife.

matchchatter said...

interesting isn't it how most of these comments are from men....

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Sag: hmm sounds like you need to submit a pic of your wifes cans to Sara Sue for her "Totally Tits Friday".

C.rag: let me know if you need assistance in the motorboating dept.

Ted: good call.

Match: i noticed that too.

FOUR DINNERS said...

I'll prop 'em up for yer!!! Well up until they're near yer kneecaps anyroad...

matchchatter - you sound surprised?

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Mine are already showing some wear.That'll happen after breast feeding 6 kids.

May your boobies forever stay perky! If not there is always plastic surgery.

Abobo said...

If we don't get some support soon, people are gonna think we're nuts.
Overheard from one old tit to the other.

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure....although i'm not really sure what that has to do with your rack.

is there a greek goddess of boobies? Boobodite, perhaps? my knowledge of greek mythology: weak.

come to think of it, my whole program is rather weak today. i need a siesta.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Four: your offer, along with everyone elses, has let me know how much my readers will truly support me in my old age. how comforting!

Prepon: i bet youre still hotter than a 100 dollar hooker! you should submit your boobs tomorow for sara sues TTF!

Adobo: classy. only boobs (i would hope) wouldn't be as hairy as nuts. unless they are homo nuts. they usually shave those.

Fonz: i think you need a drink. THEN try to write greek mythology about boobs. i bet it would be blogoriffic!

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Maybe when you get that age, you won't care anymore and you'll let the girls be free to do whatever they want?

Phoebe Fay said...

Ah, it ain't so bad. My bountiful boobies are a lot less perky and gravity defying than they were 20 years ago, but they're still pleasing to the eye and the touch. Or so I'm told by the one who loves to keep eying them and touching them.

Also, they definitely respond to care. Sometimes, my left boob gets bigger than the right, so I tell MP to give the right one extra attention. Balances 'em right out!

DNR said...

I’ve heard ‘often and repeated massages’ repel the sagging...

Line starts HERE!!!

Malach the Merciless said...

MMMMM GMILFS

Sirdar said...

Oh the young are so nieve... :-)

Trust me, when you hit your 50's and 60's, your boobies will be the last thing you probably have to worry about. Keeping your bodily fluids in you might be your top priority at that age LOL

Sara Sue said...

I've had the great displeasure of seeing 60 y.o. women with plastic tits. It's freaky. The rest of your body sags and then there are these perky tits ... freaky I tell ya! Just enjoy 'em while they're young and you'll love them when you're old. Now whip 'em out for tomorrow's TTF!

Mr R Rabbit said...

I suppose you could spent half your time standing on your head. That way they wouldn't just sag downwards.

Or you could reduce gravity's pull by spending a large proportion of your time on your back.

AngryMan said...

I heard that posting pics of boobs helps out. They get so excited at being loved and stared at that they go into overtime trying to stay extra perky.

C.Rag said...

They love to be video taped too.

Guilty Secret said...

I LOVE Tell Me You Love Me! I was watching it with Baddie the other night when the oldies sex scene got going. Baddie was all "eurgh, why do hey have to show that?" but I was just relieved to think someone might still have sex with me when I'm that old.

HA HA HA! to GMILFS!

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Yeah, gravity sucks. But when you're 60 and they're sagging be proud of them. They will have served you well and deserve your respect.
And, when you lay on your back in bed your partner won't have to roll over as far.

Nellioness said...

Hey Chris!
Thanks for the visit and great comment!
Aaaand... you've been tagged on my blog.
Take a look at my recent post :)

Nellie

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Here Today: possibly, but i'm hoping to be a cougar, scoring lots of young hot ass.

Pheobe: i think you should show us just how pleasing they are by submitting them to Sara Sue for TTF.

DNR: welcome. and oh what a line it would be.

Malach: i think i will be thieving that term. classic.

Sirdar: yeah, i'm not really looking forward to shitting my pants.

Sara: i think i like your advice best of all!

Rabbit: very sage advice. why dont prostys have better looking boobs then? they spend a lot of time on their backs...

Angryman: then you should be sure to post a pic of wifeys boobs for TTF.

C.rag: i take it you have much footage of your cans? feel free to send this way so i know exactly how i should be taping them.

Guilty: yeah, old people still get laid, but they need to worry about breaking a hip.

Bruce: LMAO!

Nellionness: i'll try to get to it today, if not, perhaps i can manage something this weekend!

Anonymous said...

Ahhh don't despair. The secret is to enjoy and be happy with what you have. Treating your body with respect is always a great idea. You might want to try hypnosis and there also is a plethora of natural remedies for boobs.
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