Tuesday, October 9, 2007

SPARKLY VAGINAS!

Anyone who has ever been awake late knows the bombardment of “Girls Gone Wild” commercials that are on. After much thought on this subject, I pondered these fine young ladies sparkly vaginas. I’ve never seen a vagina that sparkles and shines in real life like I do in these advertisements. In every commercial, the girls have stars shooting from their poons; I wasn’t sure whether to make a wish (such as, they get some self-respect) or call a gynecologist to ask if this “sparkly vagina condition” is something every woman should look out for.

Which makes me think about the girls on these movies; of course they are bastions of purity, so what makes them take it all off? It’s that powerful combination of booze, cheering, cameras, and spring break that brings out the Inner Fucking Slut or I.F.S. Florida is one of the spring break capitals of the world, and the Girls Gone Wild bus rolls through there every spring and summer, looking for girls drunk on low self esteem and desperate for attention. A few years ago, I actually had a friend end up on one of these movies. She wasn’t even THAT rowdy, but she happened to be at a beach party in Clearwater, and here comes this bus, showering the girls with booze, as if to wash away their better judgment. So there she is, facilitating her personal desires with a phallic shaped shower head attachment giggling and burping up rum. What a proud moment for her.

She’s now a school teacher, and vows to stick to elementary school education, as opposed to middle school or high school where her students might see her at the pinnacle of grace. I assured her that the students may never see her being an I.F.S., however what about the fathers of the children? She now lives in a constant state of paranoia, and I tried to convince her to gain 50 lbs so she would be unrecognizable. For some reason, she did not feel this was a helpful suggestion. Ohhhh the comedy of youthful indiscretions; thanks to modern technology, I think about 70% of the chicks of my generation will be unable to run for any political office because they have some disgraceful half-naked picture of them floating around on the internet. That’s the awesome aspect of the internet, ANYONE can be a pornstar.


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25 comments:

C.Rag said...

That's why all the taping & photos CockMaster & I do I keep safely at home.
If we ever get a divorce,he could use that against me.

Mike said...

I have spent most of my life looking for that sparkly vagina, but it seems to be an elusive myth.

I even saw it the other night on the scrambled porn channel. I think the girl in this video had let it go too far though since it had taken over her entire body.

I have done a lot of bad things in my life, but I can honestly say that I have never been in a Girls Gone Wild video. Of course I ain't dead yet.

moooooog35 said...

Thank you for solving a mystery I've been trying to solve for a month now.

When I shaved my balls, I noticed a tan line on my dick. I had no idea how that tan line got there until - joy of joys - you reminded me of an encounter I had with a girl and her sparkly vagina.

As an added warning to guys out there with pubes: Be wary of having a mistress with a sparkly vagina - there's no way you can hide that line from the wife. Bring sunscreen.

Colonel Colonel said...

God, I seem to lead a sheltered life...

Phoebe Fay said...

I didn't sleep well last night, so I'm still a little fuzzy headed as I sit here sucking down my second cup o' joe. I'm not sure if it's safe for me to look at blog titles like SPARKLY VAGINAS! in this state.

Still, this post makes me feel grateful. Grateful that, to the best of my knowledge, I've never had sparks shooting out my hoo-haw.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

C.rag: if you ever feel like sharing those movies and/or pics with me, my email address is available on here.

MIKE: never EVER give up. they ARE elusive, but they are out there. that's sad when the sparkles take up the whole body.

Mooog: a tan line? are you saying your wife has one of these sparkly vaginas? or was this not your wife...

Colonel: that can all change with one trip down to daytona beach during spring break!

Phoebe: key phrase there is "to the best of your knowlege..."

Sara Sue said...

Can you slow that animated gif down a little?

SagaciousHillbilly said...

Ahhh, sparkly vaginas. . . I am reminded of one evening long ago that was laced with drugs, alcohol and wild nutzoid sex when the champagne went everywhere, on and in everything and was lapped up greedily. It was a sparkling time and I suspect the vaginas were also sparkling although my memory of the details is limited.
Now-a-days I just feed the critters most evenings.

Malach the Merciless said...

Those stars a new strain of pubic lice

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

I find it amazing that they're still hawking those videos after all these years. You'd think the novelty would have worn off by now, but perhaps they invent fresh, new and exciting ways to showcase drunk women dropping their top. I've never seen one. (There's so much I have yet to accomplish in this world, which reminds me of one of the 7 truths I will unveil to the world if I ever get around to writing that blog...but I digress.)

While the idea of drunk women flashing the camera is amusing, the ass clown who built the GGW empire is far more entertaining. Joe Francis is the name and I'm just waiting for the day when he ends up broke like Lou Pearlman, the boy fondling genius behind Backstreet Boys and N'Sync. (A recent article alleges he was interested in more than simply the careers of the boys he gathered together...but I digress.)

TED VELVET said...

it's amazing all the different types of vaginas that exist today. sparkley one's, pierced ones, hairless,shiny, almost plastic looking one's, one's with lot's of extra bologna hanging out of them, scary looking Lindsey Lohan one's etc...back when I was a free man and wearing random one's on my face 24/7 they were all pretty much the same...hairy.

Geoff said...

Hmmmmm.
I don't know. More and more I'm waiting for America to hit some sort of revolution and catch up with the rest of the world.
I'm a guy. That being said- if you have "Bodacious ta-tas" (to quote Jennifer Love Hewitt- who does) and are equally qualified for your public office as a guy who looks like Rumsfeld, you can bet you're getting the vote. I mean come on- if a song called "smack dat" or "the thong song" can make it to a high point on the billboard charts, we're not gonna let a little public nudity, alcoholism and mary jane slow down your trip to public leadership, right?

Preposterous Ponderings said...

My vagina sparkles!

When it is rubbed I grant 3 wishes.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

Sparkles of Jesus's Love of forlorn women, yes, yes.

Colonel Colonel said...

Me and the wife gotta take a field trip...

AngryMan said...

Can you introduce me to those girls?

Sirdar said...

I always wonder if those people on the Girls Gone Wild have regrets very shortly after performing on camera. Now don't get me wrong...I like watching them frolic and play frisky like. But, now that I am older...I look and think...they are not that much older than my oldest daughter. EGADS...I'm a dirty old man!! :-)

Beach Bum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beach Bum said...

To be honest I keep telling my wife that a Girls Gone Wild DVD would make the perfect birthday gift for me. But all I get is some forlorn look as she walks off muttering something about never growing up. And like Sara said, slow down the animated gif.

C.Rag said...

AngryMan you are gay. Do want to go out shopping with them?

AngryMan said...

No, I want to stick my golden penis into their sparkling/thoughtful vaginas.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

As I was scrolling down I was formulating a clever comment. Then I got to PrePon's response. Now I'm cleaning coffee off of my monitor. If I clean it well enough maybe the vagina's on the screen will sparkle.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

I just realized. Isn't there a Dr. Seuss book about this? Something about Star-cootered Sneeches having stars upon thar's.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Sara: no.. i want to give my readers a seizure for looking at the naughty whorez.

Sag: when the memories are hazy, it usually means there were sparkly vaginas somewhere in the evening.

Malach: very possible.

Arthur: drunk broads flashin' their goods will never get old.

Ted: plastic vaginas? like barbie?

Geoff: this reminds me, why are their no pics of jen love hewitts ta-ta's?

Prepon: after having 6 kids, it should fucking grant wishes!

Sirdar: join the rest of male america. i think being a dirty old man is a rite of passage. time to bust out the viagra!

BeachBum: you can never get too old for Girls Gone Wild. i think maybe it's time for some not so subtle hinting with wifey!

Bruce: sounds like a delightful childrens book. maybe when you are done cleaning your 'puter screen you can order a copy for us all!

FOUR DINNERS said...

I have heard a story about a mars bar and an actress and her bloke but shoving a firework up there?!