Friday, October 12, 2007

Just like Rachel Ray, Only Drunk

Not to infringe on C.rag’s territory by blogging about cooking, but last night I made some fanfuckingtastic oatmeal cookies.

My dad’s birthday is Saturday, and I don’t want to be an asshole daughter (with me being an only child, there isn’t any other siblings to bear the weight of gift giving on holidays and birthdays),so what's a cheaper more loving way to show my love from 1400 miles away?

Like many activities I do, I baked while drunk. I almost added some booze to the cookies, but I didn’t want to fuck them up and be forced to start over. Although, once I considered the idea of adding liquor to baked goods, I saw some culinary projects in my future. Like some mint chocolate chip cookies with baileys irish cream. What better way to celebrate my heritage in a way that DOESN’T include blacking out? Kahlua brownies sound pretty goddamn tasty too. I know rum is added to tiramisu, but honestly, what COULDN’T benefit from some rum?

Even without alcohol in them, my oatmeal raisin cookies were spectacular. Even this morning, when I was sober, they STILL tasted goddamn good. They taste as good as your first thai hooker. And the anticipation for the next bite, it’s like that of fundamentalists, anticipating Christ’s return. But with these cookies, there is tangible proof, so you know it is real and will happen.

I did my cooking in LawyerMan’s kitchen, partially because I don’t have the right tools and partially because one of my room mates is a fat man who would probably eat the cookies faster than I could bake them. It would look like one of those “I Love Lucy” skits, with cookies being shoveled into his mouth and me busting ass to bake more. The drunker I got, the more the batter was strewn around the kitchen, and the more misshapen my cookies became. There’s one cookie that is shaped like the state of Texas. I also kept slurring something about “NOT ENOUGH RAISINS!” and towards the end LawyerMan asked me if I was going to have any cookies with those raisins.

I think people take cooking too seriously. If you aren’t having fun while doing it, then don’t bother. When I saw how stiff and rigid Martha Stewart was with cooking, it made me want to punch her. If you can’t become borderline shitfaced while baking, then you might as well just be a tool, and buy cookies from the store.

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Anonymous said...

Well aren't you just the sweetest daughter ever!

Eric & Pug said...

I cook drunk too. Some things have gone wrong in the past due to drinking and cooking. I forgot to cook the ham on Easter last year. There was enough food for everyone, so it was cool. Other drunken mishaps include forgetting to put the bread in the oven, forgetting the bread was in the oven, and dropping a bottle of strawberry margarita mix on the kitchen floor. The floor was sticky for a week.

SagaciousHillbilly said...

I'm sure the cookies are as warm, tasty and beautiful as you.
Rachel Ray = yeeech, blah
Tequila Mockingbird = Ahhhh, sigh, Oooooo.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Damn, those are some fine looking cookies (sounds like a really bad pickup line likely to get one punched). I think next time you have to share with the class.

You probably haven't heard of Graham Kerr. He had a cooking show years ago called the Galloping Gourmet. He often used booze in his cooking but his big thing was pouring and drinking wine while he cooked. He went to commercial with the line "now it's time for a short slurp". He was always VERY happy by the end of every show. Even as a kid I thought, now there's a guy that knows how to cook and have a good time doing it.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

(bruce: I remember the Galloping Gourmet; he was a blast.)

I LOVE oatmeal raisin cookies AND I was born in Texas so Texas-shaped cookies bother me not one whit! (My birthday is July 2...hint, hint).

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...


I bet you are your father's favorite daughter.


Raggin' Cajun said...

Remember the Old Cajun Cook, Justin Wilson? He always drank wine while he cooked, and said he did not trust people who did not.

C.Rag said...

Oatmeal Cookie Ingredients
.5 oz Goldschlager
.5 oz Butterscotch Schnapps
.5 oz Bailey's Irish Cream
Splash Half & Half
Pour ingredients into a stainless steel shaker over ice, and shake until completely cold. Strain into an old-fashioned glass, and serve


1/2 oz Grand Marnier® orange liqueur
1/2 oz butterscotch schnapps
1/2 oz Bailey's® Irish cream

Pour ingredients into a stainless steel shaker over ice, and shake until completely cold. Strain into an old-fashioned glass, and serve.

moooooog35 said...

Rachel Ray - one of those chicks who's prettier with their mouth shut.

Every time I hear "de-lish" or "Yum-o", I want to smack her on the side of the head with a pan.

You have very nice cookies by the way.

The picture of those things you have here look good, too.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Prepon: i do what i can to make up for my tulmultuous teenage years.

ERIC: awesome shit! however, i think your drunk cooking experiences could be improved with many post-it notes.

SAG: um thanks. although, i would still have sex with Rachel Ray. especially if she made me dinner.

Bruce: they did turn out well. hmm this galloping gourmet guy sounds like a quality human being. i approve of his methods.

Here Today: Like bush said "texas is a big state" which translates into a big cookie!

A girl: the most favorite one he knows about.

Raggin: i wrote a post about how i dont trust non drinkers at all, not just non drinking cooks.

C.rag: i've actually had the first drink you mention. a little too sweet, but it was good times! thanks for the second recipe, i'll be sure to try it.

SagaciousHillbilly said...

TequiMo, Not unless she kept her mouth shut. . . naww, not even if she kept her mouth shut. . . and made me diner. . . of course, I don't need anyone to make Me diner. . . especially some crap thrown together in 30 minutes.

Oh, and Graham Kerr ended up in rehab and sober. He them went on to host a TV cooking show about sober and heathful food.

Mike said...

There's probably nothing I haven't done while drunk, yet surprisingly, the thing that always turns out the best is cooking while drunk.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

mooog: so youre saying you ONLY want to smack her when she says stuff like that? glad youre a fan of the cookies.

SAG: sounds like graham kerrs show sucked ass once he sobered up... that's usually what happens; people get off the sauce and they are boooooooring.

Mike: agreed.

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

I can't claim to have seen a lot of Rachel Ray's work, but she could easily get me hot and bothered. I'd pay money to see her drunk. If that ain't good times then life as I know it ceases to exist.

Malach the Merciless said...

Mail me some:

45 Wilding St.
Fairhaven, MA 02719

Colonel Colonel said...

I like Rachel Ray, but my wife can't stand her. Julia Child would take a slug of wine, but usually at the end of the show. My favorite memory of her show was the time she dropped an entire cooked roast on the floor, picked it up, dusted it off and put it on the serving platter saying "well, accidents will happen".

Martha Stewart needs to be hooked up to a bourbon IV and butt-fucked by Krusty the Clown.

RAFFI said...

me like cookies

gnam, gnam, gnam


Tequila Mockingbird said...

Fonz: niiiiiiice. i bet she would be hotter when she was drunk.

Malach: my cookies would be the BEST you had ever had. they would seriously make you lose control of your facillities. is that a real address?

ColCol: i wonder if she would've said the same thing when she dropped a baby?

Raffi: sigh, dont we all?

Phoebe Fay said...

I'm sure they're lovely cookies. Except... well... raisins are evil.

Raisins are the turd droppings of the anti-Christ.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

Do you also make Communion wafers? Hunnhgh?

Sirdar said...

I'm happy to see they at least resemble cookies :-)

I've never baked anything in my life...and least I don't remember baking anything....mmmmm rum....

Fortunately for me, my wife is a very good cook. Unfortunately, she doesn't cook drunk. In fact she never gets drunk. Well...maybe a little. She is one who could get drunk sniffing the wine bottle cork for too long.

Sara Sue said...

Damn Colonel! Butt fucked by Crusty the Clown? LMAO!

The cookies look great!

Tell us more about your first taste of a Thai hooker, will ya? Oh, and tell your dad happy birthday for me!


Shit. Missed it. Too pissed after my daughters bash on Friday. Happy birthday for last Saturday dad.