Wednesday, October 24, 2007

In Chuck We Trust

I read an article yesterday about how the West is undergoing a time of religious doubt, a solid change from the Reagan years and prior. What is most interesting is that even while questioning the very existence and idea of god, there is a spiritual optimism.

Yes, religion served a purpose, in a time of ignorance, where the earth was thought to be flat, but that period of time was referred to as the Dark Ages for a reason. Religion was necessary to be an ‘opiate of the masses,’ during a period when people needed the idea that good people weren’t getting the shaft, and if a person was evil, they would get punished by some higher power after death. Without that, it would’ve been more chaotic than it already was. Even now, it’s the ‘omnipotent policeman’ concept that keeps many people clinging to religion.

For most people it’s the idea that once they die, their existence will be much more enjoyable. To those with miserable lives, that’s the draw, explaining why many avid churchgoers are those living in or barely above poverty. I think, without religion, these people might be better able to concentrate on how to better their lives, instead of hoping for some after-death lottery. It’s difficult to improve your life, if you think it will get better on its own. But preaching that everyone is responsible for their own happiness and well-being doesn’t rake in the offerings from church-goers quite like telling them if they pray hard enough, and give their tithes, a sky fairy will go out of his way (because the starving masses and other atrocities going on aren’t as important… it’s not like THEY tithe; filthy heathens) to wave his god-wand.

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So why not pray to Chuck Norris? We know for a fact he exists. Hell, I see him on those commercials, in all his bearded glory, looking like he wants to apply some of his ‘higher power’ to Christy Brinkly. He stole Bruce Lee’s soul; yes, I know Bruce won the battle, but who is still alive? If you are unfamiliar with all that Chuck is capable of, I will attempt to get you up to speed:
1. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals he allows to live.
2. Outer space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck.
3. He counted to infinity, TWICE.
4. Chuck doesn’t wear a watch, he decides what time it is.
5. When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks the closet for Chuck Norris.

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There is oh so much more, but even with those, I think everyone would agree that there is a legitimate reason to pray to Chuck Norris if there is something needed. Chuck is benevolent, caring, and can run around the world to punch himself in the back of the head. What more does one need in a savior?


Bruce, a work in progress said...

Sounds like we're pretty much on the same wavelength regarding religion. It would be a fun discussion to have with you with alcohol involved.

Oh, and Chuck also drinks Mountain Dew. It was revealed to me on a commercial last night.

Paris Hilton said...

Plus, he has hairy shoulders and back. He's The Man.

TED VELVET said...

You don't pray to Chuck Norris he preys on you. Man,I'm fucking cool.

Malach the Merciless said...

I kicked Chuck Norris ass last night

Anonymous said...

The almighty Chuck shall live on forever!

I'd like to have a blessed romp in the sack with him.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Bruce: drunking and religion discussions are good times. also, chuck reveals a lot to us in the form of commercials. also, during walker texas ranger.

Paris: aye, he does.

Ted: that was quality.

Malach: lies. he would've punched you with his third fist he hides under his beard (yes, he is chinless)

Prepon: i agree. do you know that Chuck norris isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like chuck norris.

TED VELVET said...

Chuck Norris's idea of safe sex: he puts a condom over his hand before he fists you.

C.Rag said...

I like fisting.

moooooog35 said...

The shelf life of Walker, Texas Ranger should be enough to get him into at LEAST Sainthood.

Plus, he's already got the Jesus beard.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

Jesus would eat Chuck Norris, yes, yes.

Cash said...

If you follow me you will not get your head on a pole.

That's plain & simple.

Chuck Norris is my puppet.

Jesus is my chew toy.


Tequila Mockingbird said...

Ted: I LOVE IT!!!! submit it to the; did you know that he can lead a horse to water AND make it drink?

C.rag: wow. how does cockmaster feel about it?

Moog: chuck norris could kick so fast, that he goes back into time and raises jesus from the dead. if jesus was real. that's the key phrase.

POPE: you better STFU... Chuck Norris will beat the child molestation out of you.

Cash: nice. i love comments from a dog.


Anybody who can survive all those crappy films (Enter The Dragon excepted) has to be a God of some sort

AngryMan said...

I pray to the all-might vajayjay.

AngryMan said...

All-mighty! Not all-might.

Colonel Colonel said...

I f I pray to Chuck Norris will he bring Sheree Wilson over?

Mike said...

Can he kill Steven Seagal? Cause if he could, I would pray to him every night.

Beach Bum said...

Oh come on y'all, take it easy on the guy. You know your third rate acting career is a joke when redeneck right wingers snicker at acting performance and singing on Walker, Texas Ranger. Along with that Spike TV won't even run your crappy Missing in Action movie saga.

Sara Sue said...

Eewww ... he's too ugly to pray to. I'd do him, but he's a double bagger.

Phoebe Fay said...

The Church of Chuck Norris... Hell, as long as there's bingo and cookies, I'm there.

But he better not be wearing long robes. He looks a lot more goddish in tight pants.