In Chuck We Trust

I read an article yesterday about how the West is undergoing a time of religious doubt, a solid change from the Reagan years and prior. What is most interesting is that even while questioning the very existence and idea of god, there is a spiritual optimism.

Yes, religion served a purpose, in a time of ignorance, where the earth was thought to be flat, but that period of time was referred to as the Dark Ages for a reason. Religion was necessary to be an ‘opiate of the masses,’ during a period when people needed the idea that good people weren’t getting the shaft, and if a person was evil, they would get punished by some higher power after death. Without that, it would’ve been more chaotic than it already was. Even now, it’s the ‘omnipotent policeman’ concept that keeps many people clinging to religion.

For most people it’s the idea that once they die, their existence will be much more enjoyable. To those with miserable lives, that’s the draw, explaining why many avid churchgoers are those living in or barely above poverty. I think, without religion, these people might be better able to concentrate on how to better their lives, instead of hoping for some after-death lottery. It’s difficult to improve your life, if you think it will get better on its own. But preaching that everyone is responsible for their own happiness and well-being doesn’t rake in the offerings from church-goers quite like telling them if they pray hard enough, and give their tithes, a sky fairy will go out of his way (because the starving masses and other atrocities going on aren’t as important… it’s not like THEY tithe; filthy heathens) to wave his god-wand.


So why not pray to Chuck Norris? We know for a fact he exists. Hell, I see him on those commercials, in all his bearded glory, looking like he wants to apply some of his ‘higher power’ to Christy Brinkly. He stole Bruce Lee’s soul; yes, I know Bruce won the battle, but who is still alive? If you are unfamiliar with all that Chuck is capable of, I will attempt to get you up to speed:
1. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of animals he allows to live.
2. Outer space exists because it is afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck.
3. He counted to infinity, TWICE.
4. Chuck doesn’t wear a watch, he decides what time it is.
5. When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks the closet for Chuck Norris.



There is oh so much more, but even with those, I think everyone would agree that there is a legitimate reason to pray to Chuck Norris if there is something needed. Chuck is benevolent, caring, and can run around the world to punch himself in the back of the head. What more does one need in a savior?