Tuesday, October 9, 2007


Anyone who has ever been awake late knows the bombardment of “Girls Gone Wild” commercials that are on. After much thought on this subject, I pondered these fine young ladies sparkly vaginas. I’ve never seen a vagina that sparkles and shines in real life like I do in these advertisements. In every commercial, the girls have stars shooting from their poons; I wasn’t sure whether to make a wish (such as, they get some self-respect) or call a gynecologist to ask if this “sparkly vagina condition” is something every woman should look out for.

Which makes me think about the girls on these movies; of course they are bastions of purity, so what makes them take it all off? It’s that powerful combination of booze, cheering, cameras, and spring break that brings out the Inner Fucking Slut or I.F.S. Florida is one of the spring break capitals of the world, and the Girls Gone Wild bus rolls through there every spring and summer, looking for girls drunk on low self esteem and desperate for attention. A few years ago, I actually had a friend end up on one of these movies. She wasn’t even THAT rowdy, but she happened to be at a beach party in Clearwater, and here comes this bus, showering the girls with booze, as if to wash away their better judgment. So there she is, facilitating her personal desires with a phallic shaped shower head attachment giggling and burping up rum. What a proud moment for her.

She’s now a school teacher, and vows to stick to elementary school education, as opposed to middle school or high school where her students might see her at the pinnacle of grace. I assured her that the students may never see her being an I.F.S., however what about the fathers of the children? She now lives in a constant state of paranoia, and I tried to convince her to gain 50 lbs so she would be unrecognizable. For some reason, she did not feel this was a helpful suggestion. Ohhhh the comedy of youthful indiscretions; thanks to modern technology, I think about 70% of the chicks of my generation will be unable to run for any political office because they have some disgraceful half-naked picture of them floating around on the internet. That’s the awesome aspect of the internet, ANYONE can be a pornstar.

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