Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Let the Games Begin!

Yesterday I heard about a kangaroo who hopped into a NASCAR-like race in Australia, and it got me to thinking: many of the sports we have involving animals are entirely too pussified. For example, think about cattle roping… those poor horsies! At least with bull riding, the bull has horns so he can gore the assholes trying to ride him. Fox hunting pisses me off too, because it seems like a bunch of guys trying to prove they can still get an erection by lazily using dogs to hunt another animal. I can somewhat respect crocodile wrestling because of the slight propensity for a crocodile or alligator to rise from its tranquilizer-induced lethargy to bite the wrestler.

Going with that line of thinking that I always enjoy sports more when someone can and does get seriously injured, I thought, why not include other animals in sports? For example, a rhino during football; rhinos are aggravated by sound, so with the marching band going and all that grunting, a rhinoceros would be sufficiently pissed off to do some damage. For those interested in winter sports, not only would a polar bear on the ice hockey rink be cute, but I think it would encourage the hockey players to skate faster. Animals could only improve the quality of a sport and would weed out athletic pretenders. Such as, we all know wrestling is fake (
U.F.C. not included), but if they had some rabid pit bulls in the wrestling ring, the viewers would find out who actually had skills and who was just following the script and throwing around chairs. It would appeal to their core audience of rednecks too, and might curb dog fighting if drunken hillbillies could train their pit bulls to fight humans instead of another dog.

Water sports that would be much more entertaining with the addition of an animal would be piranhas in water polo (does anyone actually watch that?) and vicious sharks (I can decide whether the old stand-by white sharks would be best, or if maybe we should switch it up and include tiger sharks since they have the most human kills under their sharky belts). I think almost everyone can agree that tennis is boring as hell to watch, but with the addition of porcupines, it would be like the players were hopping around on a mine field (because we would force them to wear thin-soled shoes of course), once again improving their skills. Another boooooring sport that would be made watchable by adding a creature to the mix would be chess. I would almost rather have another wisdom tooth pulled than watch chess, but if there were scorpions on the ground (and possibly on the board, I haven’t worked out the specifics yet), not only would there be some legitimate drama and suspense, the games would go faster.

Yes, I understand animal rights people will be upset about this. But since we already include animals in sports, then we should at least level the playing field so it’s not almost entirely animals getting injured.

26 comments:

SagaciousHillbilly said...

TM,
Hillbillies don't keep pitbulls. Pitbulls are the fighting animal of choice for inner city African-American young men.
It's ok, Whoopie Goldberg made the same mistake a while back.
Hillbillies keep fighting cocks. Yes, big beautiful colorful cocks. I personally believe there are many more productive and fun things to do with your cock, but rednecks around here fight with them.
Regards,
Sagacious(heretohelp)Hillbilly

SagaciousHillbilly said...

Oh, and I do like your ideas. Mostly it's about harming worthless athletes and not the animals, so go for it.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I think cats should be used in skeet shooting.

Lawyer Man said...

Marvelous CM.

Another good suggestion would be blind mice and barn owls during a night baseball game. Hear the screaming?

Cash said...

Your head & your Hu-Man boobs will be on poles.

I will get you.

LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

Chess isn't a sport. It's a game that requires mental skill.

But if you force the competitors to run back and forth through a snake pit or some such enclosure every time they lose a piece to their competitor, only conditioned athletes can participate, and then you have a sport.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

How about stuffing really angry badgers into random holes on a golf course?

Eric & Pug said...

I still like armadillos and soccer. Imagine all the broken ankles.

Anonymous said...

How about giant jellyfish during syncronized swimming, diving and swimming events make them have to avoid them doing their stupid routines or doing flops into the water.

Starved Cheetahs being let loose on Marathoners would inspire more record breaking times I think.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Sagacious: one can never have too much beautiful cocks. glad you're on board with my idea. all i need now is sponsers. i'm thinking purina dog chow.

Prepon: i think cash might agree with you.

Lawyerman: lovely suggestion. what a surprise to see your presence on my blog in the form of a comment...

CASH: i think you are jealous i said pitbulls could join wrestling. i'm sure you want a peice too.

Arthur: good point. i like the snakes idea. although,i much prefer unconditioned athletes participating. much more prone to injury, which equals entertainment.

Bruce: it's about goddamn time golf became more challenging. although, it might scare the many geezers that participate away.

Eric: noted. broken ankles ARE amusing.

Anon: i actually considered adding cheetahs, but it was to soccer. i like your idea better.

Mike said...

Cats in skeet shooting? Now there's a fucking sport I could get into.

Colonel Colonel said...

I've always advocated the use of sharks and alligators in water-skiing events. With chess, I think the best way to liven things up would be to introduce a little tension- what say a single unknown square on the board is wired so that the 4th times a piece lands on it, that player is instantly electrocuted?

C.Rag said...

I just want big cocks. Forgot the rest.

Phoebe Fay said...

For chess, we could replace the bishops with live scorpions.

But I veto the porcupines idea. Porcupines are gentle creatures and almost distressingly cute, and they don't hurt anything unless they're bothered.

Tennis players should have to play in cobra pits.

jedimacfan said...

HAHAHAHA wow!! The Australians actually found a way to make NASCAR suck less. At least there is a challenge with a Kangaroo on the track.

moooooog35 said...

I think there should be a sport involving donkeys and sparkly vaginas.

Oh..nevermind..it's been done. I've already been to that website.

Sara Sue said...

C.Rag has once again stolen my response! Can we have all the *athletes* naked?

FOUR DINNERS said...

Sparrows and Crows have long been associated with real football over here. Specifically with reference to referees who give decisions against your team and opposing supporters...

'If I had the wings of a sparrow
If I had the arse of a crow
I'd fly up above United
And shit on the bastards below'

AngryMan said...

MORE FOXY BOXING!!!

Malach the Merciless said...

Hey, Mike Vick has some good animal sports going

SagaciousHillbilly said...

cRag and TM, I have a few very nice cocks down in the barnyard. All are little bantam guys, but are very feisty and always ready for a go around.
Maybe I'll post some pictures since you both like cocks so much.

matchchatter said...

I volunteer my dog, use him as you see fit.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

Ugh filthy beast, JesuGod made them for man's amusement, yes, yes

Beach Bum said...

My first though would be to take your idea about animals in sports and bring Vick back for one game. Oh Yeah, and the defensive line up he would face would be pissed off Pit bulls.

Water sports that would be much more entertaining with the addition of an animal would be piranhas in water polo (does anyone actually watch that?)

During the last summer Olympics I couldn't sleep one night and began watching some of the lower ranking events and water polo was one of them. It wasn't female beach volleyball but it was ok. As far as stupid things to watch, I can't believe professional poker is so popular.

Sirdar said...

Ironic that we have commercials on the radio saying the same thing. One is polar bears on the ice during hockey games and grisly bears in the end zone for football. I think they are trying to get us to buy beer. I'm OK with that.

Another one would be cricket. Lets face it...that is one sport that just doesn't make any sense. Lets put frogs or snakes in the pitch and see what happens then. And you forgot to mention baseball. Something should be trolling the basses to make it more interesting.

Prin said...

Hmm... No pitties. People who love pitties are having a hard enough time trying to keep their dogs alive with all the bad press and fear going around.

I'd say just throw in some cats instead. Reeer. :D

And maybe some rabid bats for the tennis court too. That way it would be harder to hit the ball...