Yesterday I heard about a kangaroo who hopped into a NASCAR-like race in Australia, and it got me to thinking: many of the sports we have involving animals are entirely too pussified. For example, think about cattle roping… those poor horsies! At least with bull riding, the bull has horns so he can gore the assholes trying to ride him. Fox hunting pisses me off too, because it seems like a bunch of guys trying to prove they can still get an erection by lazily using dogs to hunt another animal. I can somewhat respect crocodile wrestling because of the slight propensity for a crocodile or alligator to rise from its tranquilizer-induced lethargy to bite the wrestler.
Going with that line of thinking that I always enjoy sports more when someone can and does get seriously injured, I thought, why not include other animals in sports? For example, a rhino during football; rhinos are aggravated by sound, so with the marching band going and all that grunting, a rhinoceros would be sufficiently pissed off to do some damage. For those interested in winter sports, not only would a polar bear on the ice hockey rink be cute, but I think it would encourage the hockey players to skate faster. Animals could only improve the quality of a sport and would weed out athletic pretenders. Such as, we all know wrestling is fake (U.F.C. not included), but if they had some rabid pit bulls in the wrestling ring, the viewers would find out who actually had skills and who was just following the script and throwing around chairs. It would appeal to their core audience of rednecks too, and might curb dog fighting if drunken hillbillies could train their pit bulls to fight humans instead of another dog.
Water sports that would be much more entertaining with the addition of an animal would be piranhas in water polo (does anyone actually watch that?) and vicious sharks (I can decide whether the old stand-by white sharks would be best, or if maybe we should switch it up and include tiger sharks since they have the most human kills under their sharky belts). I think almost everyone can agree that tennis is boring as hell to watch, but with the addition of porcupines, it would be like the players were hopping around on a mine field (because we would force them to wear thin-soled shoes of course), once again improving their skills. Another boooooring sport that would be made watchable by adding a creature to the mix would be chess. I would almost rather have another wisdom tooth pulled than watch chess, but if there were scorpions on the ground (and possibly on the board, I haven’t worked out the specifics yet), not only would there be some legitimate drama and suspense, the games would go faster.
Yes, I understand animal rights people will be upset about this. But since we already include animals in sports, then we should at least level the playing field so it’s not almost entirely animals getting injured.