Friday, October 5, 2007

7 True Things About Me

During the trials and tribulations of my wisdom tooth, I was tagged by Here Today, Gone Tomorrow. I'm just now getting around to finally responding to the gaunlet that was thrown down... here are 7 true things about myself; I shit you not about any of this, it’s too bizarre to make up.

1. I never saw snow until I was 21. I was fourth generation Floridian, and I have family members who feel about snow the way some feminists feel about men… Floridians need snow like a fish needs a bike. They have no want or need to see snow. I was curious about it, but when I saw it for the first time, it was almost thanksgiving the first year I had moved up here, and I went buck nutty. Running around the parking lot, catching it on my tongue, etc… I imagine passersby’s thought I had escaped from my group home.

2. At the ripe old age of 21, I was almost a step mom to a then-four year old. To make a very long story short, I was moved up here by a lawyer man 15 years older than me. Because I was 16 years older than his kid, I was more like a big sister than a step mom. It was an odd dynamic. The kid and I had much in common; we liked the same kind of candy, video games, cartoons and poptarts. I taught the kid some cool stuff, for example he would say in his little kid voice “you gotta keep your pimpin’ hand strong!” and then you would ask him why, and he would respond: “because pimpin’ aint easy!” Isn’t THAT just the truth? His mom loved that little nugget of golden wisdom I passed on to him.

3. I like to get drunk and watch Antiques Roadshow. I bet on how old the items people bring in are and how much they are worth. If I am wrong I take a shot. If I am correct, I take two shots. By the time the show ends, I am screaming at the television, calling the people who bring in Grandma’s favorite painting “dumb whores” and ‘outbidding’ the experts who say they know what an item would sell for.

4. I once assisted the placing of a dead squirrel in an old lady’s mailbox. I was 15, and it was New Year’s Eve 2000. We had a metric ass ton of illegal fireworks, and accidentally set my friend’s neighbor’s palm tree on fire with a roman candle. She called the cops, they took away our fireworks. A few days later, we were in the same neighborhood, and we saw a dead squirrel on the road, and Crazy Fat Nicole, who was the cousin of my best friend’s boyfriend, had the bright idea to put it in the old lady’s mailbox. She was about to pick it up, and I’m like “NO, that’s gross. Here, use this plastic bag to handle it…” We positioned it so its little squirrely head and paws looked like they were ready to jump out at whoever opened the mailbox. I only wish I had been there when she opened the mailbox.

5. I absolutely HATE onions. They are not only slimy, but they smell awful. They remind me of filthy, sweaty hobos. Up here, there isn’t a year-round hobo population like in Fla. My first winter up here, I noticed there wasn’t very many hobos around, and I figured out they migrated to warmer climates (like Florida) like geese. Soooo, growing up I was exposed more often than I would’ve liked to hobos, and make the smell connection.

6. I once played strip cribbage. Native Floridians don’t take hurricanes under a class three seriously, so we had hurricane parties. One particular hurricane we were in my friend’s high rise apartment building, drinking it up, which was good times until the windows started blowing in. So we went down to the underground parking/basement area, and the only thing we could find to amuse ourselves was cribbage. Being drunken whippersnappers, why NOT make it strip cribbage?

7. I can play the shit out of the piano. I’ve been playing since I was 8, and can play pretty much anything if I have the sheet music. As a hobby, it’s more relaxing that throwing water balloons at prostitutes.

Unfortuntely, many of the bloggers in our blogosphere have already been tagged, so my selection is limited.
Moooog, MatchChatter, Old Fish and Lemonade, Hot4Angryman (that should be interesting), The Fonz, Ted Velvet, and finally Jon.


Colonel Colonel said...

A friend and I once put a dead skunk (it was flat as a road-pattie and dried out) on someone's driveway, but you win hands down with the squirrel in the mailbox!

And I am going to keep repeatng the phrase "and accidentally set my friend’s neighbor’s palm tree on fire with a roman candle" all day.

Mike said...

You will never know how blessed your life might have been had you never seen snow at all. I like the first snowfall of the season, snow on Thanksgiving and Christmas, and then I am totally done. Unfortunately, in this part of the world, snow can last until late April.

moooooog35 said...

In a dead squirrel related story:

When I was a kid, my mom saw a mouse in our house. She offered me and my buddy $5 each if we'd find a way to kill it.

On his paper route, we happened to find a dead mouse. We wrapped that baby up, and brought it back to my house - threw it in the outdoor trash and presented it as evidence to my mom...who subsequently coughed up $10.

I invested that money in Microsoft stock and am now independently wealthy.

..okay..I made that last part up.

But the moral is that it's always good practice to lie to people if you can make money out of it.

C.Rag said...

So I don't have a dead squirrel story, but I do have a Hobo story… Hobo sex story.
There was a crack house hobo hang out in the city I used to live in. There was a hobo prostitute that would always hang out with the hobo in the wheelchair at the crack house. I was hanging at a friend's house sitting on their porch watching the activity at the crack/hobo house. The prostitute started yelling at the wheelchair hobo about how slow business had been. The wheelchair hobo unzipped his pants. I was thinking he was going to pee, b/c all the hobos wiped out their wangs to pee even if kids were playing 10 yards away. The kids shouldn't be playing in their pee spot. Anyways, the yelling stopped because the prostitute was on her knees. It was 12:00pm on a Sunday.
I've always wondered what he paid her.

Hot4AngryMan said...

7 true things about me is up.

Beach Bum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Malach the Merciless said...

This bring to many more questions to Malach's head

Beach Bum said...

Growing up in South Carolina I saw snow only slightly more than you. Aside from a couple of light dustings that each time about the shut the entire state down I only saw real snow once, about 6 inchs to a foot, in 1971. That was until I joined the army and was stationed at Fort Carson, Colorado. I arrived in July and out of my years there I loved the summer months. Around October the first snow came and it was about March when I realized that I never wanted another thing to do with the white stuff. Of course, except for a couple of deployments, I was stationed at fort Carson for four years.

As for squirrels, well my Depression era grandparents and a few of their friends took up eating the little guys in the 1930's and still cooked them up well into the 80's. And yes I've had a few myself when I went for visits with my grandfather to one of his friend's house.

moooooog35 said...

My 7 useless facts are up at my site.


here today, gone tomorrow said...

Fascinating answers, TM, thanks for playing. I have a co-worker who hates onions, too. Can't abide the smell -says they smell like spoiled food.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

colonel: seriously, it was an accident. we had only had a handle of captain morgans that night, which when you are a teenager is a lot.

Mike: i now live in MN, so yes, i am aware about april snowfall. it almost makes me want to encourage global warming. ALMOST!

Mooog: the first time i read your comment, i missed that it was a dead mouse and thought it was a dead human baby.

C.rag: that sounds so delicious (filthy hobo wang) SHE should've paid him for the dick suckin he generously allowed her to perfom. thanks for sharing!

hot4angry: thanks for playing!

malach: do share...

Beachbum: mmm squirrels. almost more delicions sounding than C.rags hobo wang!

Here today: thanks for tagging me. onions are vile. if you eat them, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Sara Sue said...

I, for one, would love to hear you play the shit out of the piano ... do you have the technology??

Jon said...

You suck.

Since I don't really drop personal knowledge on my blog, here's my seven (and I'm not tagging anyone else).

1. Most people claim one or two nationalities, I claim seven.

2. I'm 90% sure my ex-girlfriend was pregnant with my kid but got it taken care of. This was in the last 6 months. Oops.

3. I own the Thriller jacket.

4. I, along with my sister busted out laughing at our dad's funeral while every one else was crying when for whatever reason Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" started playing.

5. I got poison ivy for the first time in my life last summer. I'm not allergic to the plant oil, just the oozing sores of someone who already has it.

6. I've been on a plane when part of the wing came off during flight.

7. I own both 2ge+her albums.


8. I think my boss was born a man and had a sex change. "She" looks almost exactly like Garth from Wayne's World.

Phoebe Fay said...

Strip cribbage sounds great. I once played strip Scrabble.

And I'm terribly jealous of your piano abilities. I took lessons for years, but I still pretty much suck.

Sara Sue said...

Hey Jon ... check for an adam's apple.

Jon said...

ss: "Her" neck is too flabby to tell.

Sirdar said...

Thats funny about not seeing snow. I've always had snow in the winter so I would be the opposite...some crazy guy running outside in his Speedos on New Years Day. Well...OK...we'll skip the Speedos part and put on swimming trunks. The Speedo thing wouldn't be a pretty sight.

As for onions...the are a food group in our house. That and garlic.

Strip cribbage...never heard of that one..but it sounds like fun :-)

Cissy Strutt said...

Calling out bids for the Antiques Roadshow is fun, especially in a group. But I'll play solo if need be.

We also have a programme called Collectors which is very sweet. People show their collections of things (bet you didn't guess that). They also have a Mystery Object and an Auction for the panelists to figure out. Here, also, one can call out rude or encouraging things to the television.

Cissy Strutt said...

I am watching Antiques Roadshow right now. A posh lady was almost moved to profanity by the estimated value of her painting.

SagaciousHillbilly said...

I'm going squirrel hunting this afternoon. Nothing like fried squirrel with fried potatos and onions.

If you really want to mess with someone. . . aka: get revenge, you've got to be patient. Sooner or later (sooner around here) you're going to come upon a nice ripe piece of road kill. . . preferably a skunk. Pick it up and throw it in the back of the truck bed. Go to the person's house you want to seek revenge upon. Put the ripe piece of road kill (preferably a skunk) on the floor in the back seat of their car. Do it late at night so it sits there a while.

Prin said...

Super hilarious! I love your blog. :)

Colonel Colonel said...

The Roadshow in a phenom in our biz., and its fun to see folks you know on tv. Next time you see Ron Bourgeault, Carl Crossman, Dean Failey, Mike Flanigan (he tells GREAT behind-the-scenes stories), Stephen Fletcher, Wendell Garrett, Ken Gloss, Martha Hamilton, Lee Keno, Joyce Kosofsky (she's married to Ken Gloss, they have a HUGE St. Bernard, Duke, who haunts the bookshop and is very friendly), Gloria Lieberman, Ken Sanders (man, I have a GREAT photo of him in front of a bonfire in the snow with a beer), or Garry Stradling- wave, they are all friends/acquaintances/etc.

See- other folks know movie stars and singers. I know folks on the Antiques Roadshow. I am the King of the Geeks.

SagaciousHillbilly said...

The piano thing is truly awesome. I've always wished I could play and have tried, but just can't get it going. I can pick a guitar and wail on a trumpet, but can't break through on the keyboard. I think you need to start when you're about six years old.
My daughter has a degree in musical performance and the only thing she really had trouble with was playing piano.

I thinking with this crowd, wouldn't it be more interesting and appealing to have "Seven true sexual facts about myself?"