Cam Whores, My Big Ol' Dick, and Jesus Spam

Anyone with an email address is familiar with the bombardment of sexually related spam. One of my favorites is the Penis Cream/Pill that would make my schlong get three inches bigger. Well HOT DAMN! Does that mean if I took three doses, I would have a nine inch cock? Actually, I think if I was a guy, I would probably have a huge dick. I figure, I’m tall and have long arms and legs, with decent sized feet, I would probably be packing AT LEAST an 8 incher. I’ve always thought I would whip it out at inappropriate times, smack girls in the face with it, and pee on people’s shoes who angered/annoyed me.

Another type of favorite spam of mine to receive is from cam whores. They are always so enthusiastic, barely legal, willing to do ANYTHING!!!!!! and usually have slutty friends who want to “experiment”. I’ve been disappointed lately, that they aren’t as hot as they once were. Especially on myspace; back in the day, they was this smokin’ asian chick who wanted to be my friend. I don’t see much of her or the Russian girl with poor spelling but a killer rack. Sadly, now it’s all blonde bimbos, one of which has a chancre on her lip. I deny that friend request.

Weight loss drugs are also a common form of spam. Anyone who believes magical pills can help them slough off the weight they’ve spent a lifetime putting on, deserve to lose their money. Anyway, I once responded to one of the advertisements, asking how quickly I would lose the weight if I crushed it up and snorted it. I never got an answer back. I guess it didn’t work for Anna Nicole, so I should probably let go of my delusions.

When I took over for my predecessor, all of her work emails were dumped into my work account, just in case someone emailed her about something that I would need to take care of. Unfortunately, she had been using her work email for personal shit, and was a hardcore christer. Which meant I interited Jesus Spam. It might just be my least favorite spam. There is no nudity, they always want me to feed starving children (I know, what a buzzkill when I’m trying to eat my 8 dollar sandwich), and they use scripture verses to attempt to guilt me into buying porcelain figurines of Jesus and his homies. Not cool. So I started forwarding my porn and dick enhancing spam to them. The emails stopped with the quickness.