Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Cam Whores, My Big Ol' Dick, and Jesus Spam

Anyone with an email address is familiar with the bombardment of sexually related spam. One of my favorites is the Penis Cream/Pill that would make my schlong get three inches bigger. Well HOT DAMN! Does that mean if I took three doses, I would have a nine inch cock? Actually, I think if I was a guy, I would probably have a huge dick. I figure, I’m tall and have long arms and legs, with decent sized feet, I would probably be packing AT LEAST an 8 incher. I’ve always thought I would whip it out at inappropriate times, smack girls in the face with it, and pee on people’s shoes who angered/annoyed me.

Another type of favorite spam of mine to receive is from cam whores. They are always so enthusiastic, barely legal, willing to do ANYTHING!!!!!! and usually have slutty friends who want to “experiment”. I’ve been disappointed lately, that they aren’t as hot as they once were. Especially on myspace; back in the day, they was this smokin’ asian chick who wanted to be my friend. I don’t see much of her or the Russian girl with poor spelling but a killer rack. Sadly, now it’s all blonde bimbos, one of which has a chancre on her lip. I deny that friend request.

Weight loss drugs are also a common form of spam. Anyone who believes magical pills can help them slough off the weight they’ve spent a lifetime putting on, deserve to lose their money. Anyway, I once responded to one of the advertisements, asking how quickly I would lose the weight if I crushed it up and snorted it. I never got an answer back. I guess it didn’t work for Anna Nicole, so I should probably let go of my delusions.

When I took over for my predecessor, all of her work emails were dumped into my work account, just in case someone emailed her about something that I would need to take care of. Unfortunately, she had been using her work email for personal shit, and was a hardcore christer. Which meant I interited Jesus Spam. It might just be my least favorite spam. There is no nudity, they always want me to feed starving children (I know, what a buzzkill when I’m trying to eat my 8 dollar sandwich), and they use scripture verses to attempt to guilt me into buying porcelain figurines of Jesus and his homies. Not cool. So I started forwarding my porn and dick enhancing spam to them. The emails stopped with the quickness.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

231 comments:

1 – 200 of 231   Newer›   Newest»
Bruce, a work in progress said...

Ah, the ultra-rightwing Republican Jesus action figure.

TM, it's probably a really good thing you're not a guy. For so many reasons.

TED VELVET said...

I use dick cream all the time It doesn't make my dick any bigger but it makes my sandwiches taste delicious. WWJS? = who would jesus spam?

Malach the Merciless said...

My penis is only three inches long, and I am 6' 2". Of course it is as wide as a progresso soup can.

Just felt the need to share

jedimacfan said...

My penis is 3 inches. From the ground.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Bruce: do tell. i think i would make a great guy. but i would totally miss scoring free drinks because of my amazing rack and saying phrases like "the power of the cleave compells you!"

TED: according to mel gibson, jesus would probably spam the jews a whole lot for killing him.

Malach: you should've added "just like campbell's soup, it's MMmm MMMmm GOOD"....

Jedi: that's hot. no wonder you were so popular when you were in the navy.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

De Pope has cursed everyone above this comments penis with leprosy he has.

SagaciousHillbilly said...

TequiMo,
Having 8" of dick isn't so great. Why do you think one would feel compelled to whip it out at inappropriate times?
Do you feel compelled to whip out your tits at inappropriate times? I haven't seen you post a whipped out picture of them anywhere.
Regards,
SH

here today, gone tomorrow said...

These guys all talk about the size of their penises, but I never see them over at Sara Sue's place on Wednesdays...

I'm just sayin'.

Mr R Rabbit said...

Hmm. I take it everyone knows how to register people's addresses for porn spam.

I'm just wondering what the Vatican's e-mail is.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Pope: penis leprosy? that sounds like some bad times. it would be totally gross to be giving a blowjob and have a dick fall off in my mouth.

Sag: not sure why i would feel compelled to whip it out a lot, but it's like a jedi sense... i just know i would. and no, i dont post my fanfuckintastic rack all over the place because i know it would eclipse my writing.

Here Today: agreed. less talk, more whippin out of the wangs on Sara Sues wednesdays.

Mr Rabbit: absolutely. big american pastime here. good to seem you brits are hopping on board.

AngryMan said...

I use my cock the way that you want to, I'm always smacking Wifey in the face with it. There's nothing inappropriate about it, sure there's an adjustment period, but its relatively brief.

Beach Bum said...

Never bought into the belief that size mattered, its more the skill in which you use it. But hell, I'm blessed with both and I need to go tame my wife.

As far as the weight loss spam is concerned, read in the Atlantic Monthly or New Yorker one time some Ivy league professor fell for the Nigerian bank scam. PT Barnum was right about suckers.

Twin Pistols said...

That picture makes me want to become a hardcore Christian, start a cult and use it as our logo.

On spam, I used to get all the "look ten years younger" crap when I was fourteen. I should have bought some and sued for false advertisement.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Tequila if you were a guy I'd fuck you!

Then we could eat peanut butter cookie together.

Sara Sue said...

Hey ... can I watch you two go at it? Maybe give some *pointers*??

And yeah ... let's get those wang pics over to Sara Sue for Wednesday. I'm also short on some tits for Friday.

jedimacfan said...

BTW, you need a helluva lot more photos between your paragraphs. I went to American public schools, you know, and I can't be expected to actually READ this much text without pictures. Fix. Your. Shit.

Jazzy said...

i'm a jesus lover; however, i do hate guilt attempts to get me to forward an email to everyone in my address book just to prove it (or some promise to receive a miracle).

btw, nice humor.

meggie said...

Thanks for visiting my blog, with your original cusses!
I love this - the jesus spam I am unfamiliar with, but hell, what a great way to see to it all! They deserve each other!

moooooog35 said...

I forward all my penis email to Nigeria.

Apparently, those fuckers have more money then they know what to do with...might as well make bigger Nigerian dicks with it.

SagaciousHillbilly said...

TequiMo,
Don't you think your 8" of happy love meat would also "eclipse" your writing? I suspect it would be like a guy getting tits. They would be fun to play with and show off in public for a while, but then the novelty would wear off and they'd be just another bother.
SH

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Angryman: hot stuff. no wonder she isn't enough to inspire you for your podcasts.

Beach: agreed on both accounts.

Twin: if you start that cult, i will be sure to join!

Prepon: why not eat penut butter cookies WHILE fucking??

Sara: totally. i'll write you a semi-pornographic email telling you all about it.

Jedi: suck a bag of dicks. not everyone has all day to sit around making cutesy pics for their blog and beating off.

Jazzy: welcome! glad you enjoy it.

Meggie: i am creative when it comes to weaving a tapestry of obscenities.

Mooog: sounds like you have some serious interest in big nigerian dicks.

Sag: dont know.

Sirdar said...

You mean those girls aren't willing to do anything? Damn!!

And those pills do work...on the dog.

Fortunately, I don't get any Jesus spam. I do get lots of spam for penis enlargement pills and creams. Thanks goodness for the delete button.

LHye said...

My go-to "If I had a penis, this is what I would do with it" fantasy would be to just be the passenger in a car and just have my penis crammed right up to the window. Because...how funny would that be? You're driving...you're driving...you're trying to merge...oh wait, there's a penis in that window. BRILLIANT.

Anonymous said...

It's poodles again. God do we know weight loss pills dont work. Thank cod we never paid for the fucking things!

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