I’ve been hearing quite a bit about the rapture lately. On TV in the middle of the night when I am drunk and surfing for scramble porn to watch “for a challenge”, on bumper stickers (but always on shitty cars, WTF?), church signs to advertise their coming sermon, the crazy hobo outside of the Uptown Mcdonalds (that guy is legitimately hillfuckinlarious, with his signs and chanting at the sky!)… I kind of understand how the Christians must feel, impatient. I know I am impatient. My car and living arrangements are decent and suitable, but frankly when I hear about how much loot these televangelists are making and see the awesome shit they own, I get all antsy and excited for the rapture concept because I would certainly not mind trading up in the area of worldly posessions.
Hell, if I believed in god, I would probably be praying to him, asking him to hurry the fuck up (Pope, can you help me with getting the message to the big man?), because I am ready to get on with the show, and get to raiding the raptured people’s stuff. Perhaps it’s just my “Florida Hurricane Mentality” that translates into looting through people who have vacated the area’s property, but hey, I am a pragmatist.
If anyone knows any religious zealots that continue to ‘cry wolf’ and say that the rapture will happen on a certain date, tell them to STFU, because they keep getting my hopes up. I want it to be like my 16th birthday party… I knew it was coming, but the exact date of the party itself was a surprise!
Other benefits to the rapture: traffic will be better, thus the saved time on my commute can be spent sleeping. Those beautiful old churches with picturesque architecture can be turned into something worthwhile, like a library or a casino (not to mention, no church bells making my Saturday or Sunday morning hangover worse). No more dry counties or states because their aren’t Christers to complain how booze keeps people from going to church (riiiiiiiiight, that’s what it is) AND the bars will be open on Christmas!!! Strippers and hookers can sell their flesh in peace (or is it piece?), without holier-than-thou types standing in their way. The religious stations can be freed up for more Magnum P.I. reruns (can't have too much of that). I could buy my dirty gangsta' rap at walmart and target without worrying it would be edited. Perhaps after the rapture we can stop killing Muslims with such military precision.