Monday, October 1, 2007

Impatient for the Rapture

I’ve been hearing quite a bit about the rapture lately. On TV in the middle of the night when I am drunk and surfing for scramble porn to watch “for a challenge”, on bumper stickers (but always on shitty cars, WTF?), church signs to advertise their coming sermon, the crazy hobo outside of the Uptown Mcdonalds (that guy is legitimately hillfuckinlarious, with his signs and chanting at the sky!)… I kind of understand how the Christians must feel, impatient. I know I am impatient. My car and living arrangements are decent and suitable, but frankly when I hear about how much loot these televangelists are making and see the awesome shit they own, I get all antsy and excited for the rapture concept because I would certainly not mind trading up in the area of worldly posessions.

Hell, if I believed in god, I would probably be praying to him, asking him to hurry the fuck up (Pope, can you help me with getting the message to the big man?), because I am ready to get on with the show, and get to raiding the raptured people’s stuff. Perhaps it’s just my “Florida Hurricane Mentality” that translates into looting through people who have vacated the area’s property, but hey, I am a pragmatist.

If anyone knows any religious zealots that continue to ‘cry wolf’ and say that the rapture will happen on a certain date, tell them to STFU, because they keep getting my hopes up. I want it to be like my 16th birthday party… I knew it was coming, but the exact date of the party itself was a surprise!

Other benefits to the rapture: traffic will be better, thus the saved time on my commute can be spent sleeping. Those beautiful old churches with picturesque architecture can be turned into something worthwhile, like a library or a casino (not to mention, no church bells making my Saturday or Sunday morning hangover worse). No more dry counties or states because their aren’t Christers to complain how booze keeps people from going to church (riiiiiiiiight, that’s what it is) AND the bars will be open on Christmas!!! Strippers and hookers can sell their flesh in peace (or is it piece?), without holier-than-thou types standing in their way. The religious stations can be freed up for more Magnum P.I. reruns (can't have too much of that). I could buy my dirty gangsta' rap at walmart and target without worrying it would be edited. Perhaps after the rapture we can stop killing Muslims with such military precision.

22 comments:

Colonel Colonel said...

Where do I sign up for the campaign and get my "I SUpport the Rapture- The Sooner You all Leave the Better!" bumper sticker?

My only misgiving is that once they figure out that the reason we want them to go is so we can have more fun down here, they may refuse to leave.

"Puritanism- the nagging feeling that somebody, somewhere, is having a good time."

Malach the Merciless said...

Uhh the Rapture is currently occuring check it out

Phoebe Fay said...

Oh yes. "Hurry it up already" is my fervent prayer every time I see one of those bumper stickers. I can only dream about how nice the world will be once we get rid of the godsuckers who think keeping sperms and eggs from getting cozy is murder while simultaneously thinking that blowing body parts off Iraqis is somehow justifiable and good.

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

Why is it that gambling is looked down upon by the church, yet bingo is a perfectly acceptable for of entertainment when sponsored by the church?

Why does God prefer bingo over blackjack, craps, roulette, pai gow and three-card monte?

Mike said...

The Rapture. That was a movie, wasn't it?

Oh yes it was. Now I remember. It starred Mimi Rogers' big tits.

Now this is a rapture.

Pope Benedict XVI said...

The Rapture is a false Doctrine fundementals teach the masses . . .yes, yes.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Colonel: i've seen similar bumper stickers, i'm sure you can find it online. love the quote.

malach: OH SNAP!

phoebe: it is a whole bucket of disgusting hypocrisy, isnt it?

arthur: i think god would like slot machines the best. however, if god supposedly loves everyone the same, he should love all gambling equally as well.

mike: nice link. those are some big cans.

pope: i hope your wrong. i saw a hot little beemer yesterday with a jesus fish on it, that i would look totally hot driving around and hitting hobos in.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I think "junk" cars use bumper stickers to cover up the rust spots!

Jon said...

Your bars aren't open on Christmas? What kind of backward-ass state do you live in? There's nothing like stopping in for a few rounds of x-mas cheer after having to deal with your family all day.

TED VELVET said...

The pope is right on this one. the whole rapture bullshit was invented in the 18oo's by some British evangelical douche bilking the morons in his church. Then the rest of the fundie retards in this country grabbed onto it. now it's wacko, born again doctrine. That's why I'm still a Catholic, we believe in a lot of bullshit, virgin births etcetera, but we're still not stupid enough to fall for the rapture. Mike's right too, Good flick, nice tits. she also shoots her kid in the head when the kid whines that she wants to see God and get sent to heaven. big laughs

Sara Sue said...

Mike keeps linking to Mimi's titties ... I'm putting in my application to join his rapture.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Prepon: and to hold them together for when they go over 40mph.

jon: they are only open certain hours. i want them to be open 24 hours a goddamn day!

ted: so you wont believe in a rapture, but you'll believe in all that other hokey shit? lolz! legitimate comedy!

sara: better link than goatse everywhere

Colonel Colonel said...

Junk cars are for the demolition derby, which we went to for the first time last month at Northampton's 3-County Fair. It was awesome, and made a lot more sense when we learned, from the guy who sells the bootleg beer under the bleachers, that most of the drivers are completely sloshed off their ass.

Oh- I keep meaning to say, love the new TM picture!

TED VELVET said...

hey at least the catholics made up the whole christian religion deal in the 1st place. I'm just sticking with the one that brung me...ya know...just in case. it's not like I go to church, I just like the pointless rituals and pedophile priests

C.Rag said...

Who doesn't like pedophile priest? We all have a soft spot for the Pope. It was his hands that we felt the love of Jesus.

AngryMan said...

I think that you should start your own church. Tax exempt. baby!

Bruce, a work in progress said...

I never looked at it like that before. I like it. HURRY THE HELL UP! They keep telling me I'm going to hell and I keep telling them my concept of hell is being in heaven with them. And I swear, if one more saved soul with a fish stuck to the ass end of his car cuts me off in traffic....

I'm better now. Thanks.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

colonel: thanks!

ted: frankly, i dont believe in any of it, but i HOPE the rapture pans out, so i can get better possessions.

c.rag: that was the love of jesus?

angryman: already considered it. there will soon be a post about The Tequila Mockingbird religion. it will be grand!

Bruce: "if one more saved soul with a fish stuck to the ass end of his car cuts me off in traffic.." beautiful! you get a M.F.G.S. (mother fucking gold star)!

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Thanks for the MFGS TM. I've never gotten one of those before. It's quite an honor and I'll put it in a very special place.

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