Why I Should Be Stealing From Target

Last week I went to the new super Target they opened up near my work, and I’ve had something nagging at me ever since. The guard they had there was an old lady. And I’m not just being an ass, and calling someone in the middle of their life old, this woman had to be in her 60’s. Granted, my grandma is quite hearty, and still roller blades, but the majority of older women aren’t in that good of shape. This was not an exception. She was quite portly, had yellow skin and teeth like she smoked, so I doubt she could’ve even ran that fast even if she was the picture of health.

So I wonder, what IF I had stolen something? I almost wanted to, just to see if she could catch me. I have pins and a plate in my leg, and even as cripplicious as I am, I think I could’ve out ran her. She looked as if she would run at the same pace as an Allman Brothers song. Why would this newly opened Target hire an old woman? What REAL security is she going to provide? I understand businesses can’t discriminate upon age, but why not make her a greeter handing out shopping carts like Walmart does? Let one of the whippersnappers get his shiny meaningless badge and run after thieving bastards.

Even in Fla, where the majority of the populace is the elderly, we never let them be security guards. We at least had the decency to put them in a home, where they could rest and wonder why their children and grandchildren never visit them.

I hope they at least gave her some weapons. I doubt it. Although, it would be 32 flavors of hilarious to see a youtube video of a old lady tasering some whippersnapper.

Maybe if we gave senior citizens decent social security they wouldn't need to work as a security guard, when they would much rather be playing bingo or spraying the garden hose at children who get on their lawn.