Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Why I Should Be Stealing From Target

Last week I went to the new super Target they opened up near my work, and I’ve had something nagging at me ever since. The guard they had there was an old lady. And I’m not just being an ass, and calling someone in the middle of their life old, this woman had to be in her 60’s. Granted, my grandma is quite hearty, and still roller blades, but the majority of older women aren’t in that good of shape. This was not an exception. She was quite portly, had yellow skin and teeth like she smoked, so I doubt she could’ve even ran that fast even if she was the picture of health.

So I wonder, what IF I had stolen something? I almost wanted to, just to see if she could catch me. I have pins and a plate in my leg, and even as cripplicious as I am, I think I could’ve out ran her. She looked as if she would run at the same pace as an Allman Brothers song. Why would this newly opened Target hire an old woman? What REAL security is she going to provide? I understand businesses can’t discriminate upon age, but why not make her a greeter handing out shopping carts like Walmart does? Let one of the whippersnappers get his shiny meaningless badge and run after thieving bastards.

Even in Fla, where the majority of the populace is the elderly, we never let them be security guards. We at least had the decency to put them in a home, where they could rest and wonder why their children and grandchildren never visit them.

I hope they at least gave her some weapons. I doubt it. Although, it would be 32 flavors of hilarious to see a youtube video of a old lady tasering some whippersnapper.


Maybe if we gave senior citizens decent social security they wouldn't need to work as a security guard, when they would much rather be playing bingo or spraying the garden hose at children who get on their lawn.

23 comments:

Bruce, a work in progress said...

I always wonder the same thing about the volunteers with the Red Cross when you give blood. They always have the oldest, frailest guy as an escort to get you from the bloodletting table to the donut table. I fugure he's a warning system in case I fall over. They'll respond to the sound of dry twigs snapping when I land on him.

We noticed guards in the Maryland the Wallyworlds and Targets right away. We didn't have guards at all in Florida.

C.Rag said...

I wouldn't underestimate the old folks. They can be mean especially when their fake teeth grab a hold on you.

Eric & Pug said...

The last time I stole anything was from the Target in Hopkins about 25 years ago. I got caught by a little old lady. I thought about running, but then I noticed her back up. Two guys who would of took me in a heart beat. So assume that little old lady is not alone, and all she has to do is point and say 'Get em boys!'.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

You should have stolen something.I would have loved to see you on Cops being chased by a granny!

Malach the Merciless said...

Check under her skirt for a H&K MP5.

What is the plate and screws for? I got a 6" one in the right ankle from Hockey Accident

moooooog35 said...

I say we organize a mud football game between Target security and WalMart greeters.

..there'd be hips and teeth flying all over the place.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Bruce: the red cross blood people always look like they were drained dry of their blood. ick.

C.rag: ooooh, nothing is hotter than a gum job!

Eric: fucking hopkins. that's that shitty small town where i almost got kicked out of the raspberry festival. bastards.

Prepon: when and if i end up on cops, i'm thinking it'll be some kind of drunken disorderly thing, where the police are chasing me around and i dont have a shirt on.

Malach: car accident when i was 20. it ended my illustrious hooters career.

Moog: i'm betting on walmart.

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

thanks to yesterday's news that the first official "baby boomer" has applied for social security, said system is expected to be bankrupt in a matter of years. which means i will be doing something equally demeaning as working store security when i'm an old sack of shit.

but i'd make a good security dude at the ripe old age of 74. i'll be pissed about my lot in life, i'll be angry that all i'll be able to do when i see a slutty 19-year-old or MILF parading through the store is drool (more than i would naturally at that age), and i'll be irritated by the fact that i have to go the bathroom every 30 minutes, and it'll probably hurt when i do.

so i'll make a good store security dude, not because i'll be able to run down some young punk, but because i'll be angrier than angry man and i'll want to take it out on the world. unless i suddenly become the next hugh hefner in the next few years, but i've never looked good in a robe and slippers.

SagaciousHillbilly said...

TequiMo, Tell ya what, lemme hang my pants on your bed post and we'll see how "good of shape" somebody can be when they're in the "middle of their life."
It won't be that wham-bam-jump-up-and-down-on-that-thing-for-3-minutes that you're used to.

jedimacfan said...

Here's a comment. See? I still love you.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Fonz: that does suck. when you are ancient, and i am not THAT old, will you give me butterscotch candies? granted, i dont know you that well, but i think you will be one of those old dudes, riding bike marathons until you die at like 106.

Sag: holy asscrackers! who said i did not like middle aged-type dudes? you must not have read some of my other posts, because i think somewhere i stated that i dont date guys my own age. they annoy me.

Jedi: i never thought otherwise shnookems.

Gledwood said...

The way old people get treated these days is utterly shameful, you are quite right...

Mike said...

In the work-a-day world, old = cheap. They hire old people because they will work cheap and they hope that just the mere fact that there is a security guard on site will be enough to prevent someone from stealing. Obviously it isn't since retail fraud statistics show that there has been an alarming increase in shoplifting recently (as there always is when the economy starts to hit the skids).

Social Security...yeah, what a joke. I'm 53 and I guarantee I'll never see a freaking penny of it.

Colonel Colonel said...

I'll bet they arm their guards in Texas, and not with wussy tasers either.

Being Minnesota, I'd be careful of "granny". She's probably out on parole after feeding all her grandkids and the neighbor's dog into her woodchipper.

The Angry Piper said...

Two words: ninja stars.

She doesn't have to run if she can fill your fleeing back full of razor sharp metal.

Think about it.

Sara Sue said...

"She looked as if she would run at the same pace as an Allman Brothers song." LMFAOPMP! Oh dear, Tequila, you are a genius!

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Rats. sara sue beat me.

Sirdar said...

Lets not forget that you are going to be old one day :-) I feel old some days and my kids tell me I'm old....but I can fix that in one trip to the lake.....

moooooog35 said...

Hey Tequila...

FYI - I tagged you for a meme:

http://midgetmanofsteel.blogspot.com/2007/10/new-blog-directory-warning-no-humor.html

As punishment, you may admonish me publicly (I enjoy humiliation).

AngryMan said...

They opened up a Target near your work? What street corner did they open it at?
Also, the plate and pins in your leg intrigues me. If it is stormy out, does your leg conduct extra charges? That may well make extra interesting.

moooooog35 said...

Hey - by the way...sorry for the meme tag. It's all peer pressure...I had no will left...

I'm with Angryman, though. Pins and plates...

So, is having sex with you like banging the Tin Man? Do you need to be oiled in order to get your ankles behind your ears? 10W-40? 5W-30?

..or will just a little K-Y do it?

matchchatter said...

I got into trouble with security at Target when I took a diet coke out of the refrigerator and drank it while shopping (fully intending to pay at check out.) The security guard (man, thirties) was going to call the police. I asked for the manager who then apologized to me and gave the security guard a talking to..

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