Monday, December 10, 2007

Instant Pick-Me-Up

There’s nothing like watching that show “Intervention” to really make me feel good about my life. For those of you who have never watched it, it’s about people who are addicted to something, and usually have lost much if not everything because of it. Someone that cares about them contacts the show, and they pretend to be doing a documentary on people with addiction and follow them around for a week.

I could be having seriously bad times, like for example, last night I was trying to wrap Giftmas presents drunk, and kept getting the curling ribbon tangled up or getting the tape stuck in my hair. I was cursing up a storm, and then Intervention came on. This girl was a meth addict, 19 years old with the teeth like an old garden rake. She felt she didn’t have any problems (except for her pesky family getting in the way). Also, she was fucking random dudes for the money to get more drugs. Seems like she has a bright future; almost as bright as the light bulbs she smokes meth out of.

Which brings me to a concept my coworker Calvin Crustitron and I came up with: “the rock bottom theory.” Men when they are addicted to a substance or have some problem that interferes with being a functioning member of society, they hit rock bottom and usually realize they need help. However, with women, this doesn’t happen. If they are moderately decent looking, they can strip and have the money to keep their addiction going. Even if they are a disgusting skell, they can still find some poor, pathetic bastard to pay to stick in it one of their three rancid holes. By the time they have no other options they are usually unsalvageable. By that time they probably have one of the STD’s that stick with you for life, a criminal record, and a look to them that makes them unemployable most everywhere.
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Anyway, I’ve been thinking about writing the producers of Intervention, to let them know how their show has increased my self esteem, and that I keep at least three episodes TIVO’ed so when I have an awful day, I just watch one of those, and see a person who lives in their Ford Escort and takes a dump in bus stops (who wants to go to the bathroom with the wind whistling up their butthole?) and instantly I feel like I’m on top of the fucking world.

16 comments:

Mike said...

Holy shit, I didn't realize Kyra Sedgwick was a meth addict.

I live my life by the following credo:

Rehab is for quitters.

I didn't "quit" drinking. I just stopped for a little while.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

It's true. All we need to feel good is to find some poor bastard more pathetic than us!

Jay said...

I think this is the secret behind a lot of the "reality" programming on TV. People watch those shows and then feel like they are stable and smart.

Malach the Merciless said...

To ditto Mike there . . . Wow, I didn't realize C.Rag was a meth head.

billymac said...

Watching some poor loser schlub always makes me feel better too... For a pick-me-up, just check out the bus-stop or any church.

Beach Bum said...

I've seen more than a few people walking around the emergency room looking like the meth addict in your picture. George Romero's zombies ain't got nothing on those lost souls.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I need to watch this show.

TED VELVET said...

didn't Bob Marley write a song, "three rancid Holes? cranked up meth heads, skittering around like fucking gerbils, if only you could hook jumper cables up to them they could tweek a city block with electricity.

Further on up the road said...

Well I'm not sure I totally agree with your position on the "rock bottom". I know when I hit mine it was all about a state of mind rather than anything else.

Whatever - another day I'm grateful I did hit it, finally ask for help, not be too proud to go to rehab and have somehow managed to get through the last 3.5 years clean and sober. I look at those photos and just think - "See that - you could be next pal just think"

C.Rag said...

Malach,
Nice! Without teeth sucking dick is easy.

Tequila,
"Also, she was fucking random dudes for the money to get more drugs."
Is there a problem with that?

Sara Sue said...

Jay is right, this is the *secret* to reality shows ... what does that say about America?

moooooog35 said...

You've found my Mother!!!

..um..

..I think I'll hold off on calling her, though.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: hahaha, that chick is way hotter than kyra. i like your mindset, seems a lot healthier than the people who make it out to be the devil, and then live the rest of their life fearing it. you can be careful without being scared shitless.

Lightning: agreed. i may have had tape stuck in my hair and ripped wrapping paper, but at least i wasnt giving truckers handjobs for crack!

Jay: who wants to watch sucessful people that make them feel shitty about themselves by comparison?

Malach: that's not her. she's a redhead, rememeber?

Billymac: consider it done.

Beach: i imagine you do, if you work in an emergency room.

Ron: indeed you do.

Ted: AHAHAHAH for that comment you get the MFGS (mother fucking gold star)

Further: that's super.

c.rag: no problem if youre cool with getting the hiv.

Sara: it says we are all dicks with poor self esteem.

Moog: invite her to your house for the holidays. it would be a real treat!

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Did you watch the show last night?

It was a good one!

That pic looks like me before and after make-up only in reverse.

Buzzardbilly said...

Why would anyone choose to poop at a bus stop? Ferchrissakes, regular working stiffs ride the bus and have to smell that shit. Go poop where the fancy people park. That way you get twice the satisfaction from a good dump.

Sirdar said...

Drug abuse is so awful. I've never seen or heard of the show Intervention. I'll have to make a mental note to look it up one day.

I think life is pretty good for most of us if we really look at it. Drugs in one thing....just imagine being born in the wrong country....