Sunday, January 6, 2008

Holy Asscrackers, It's TWO TEQUILA'S!

Friday night was interesting. When I first heard about the St Patrick's Day warm-up at Whisky Junction, I was more than enthusiastic. I am 100% Irish, and celebrate it like the Jews do Hanukkah, with multiple days of festivities (and face it, one can never really fully be warmed up for St. Paddy's Day).

Anyway, I decided to to go this, even though it was in a dicey part of town. When we got there, they were handing out free Killians because it was the owner of the bar's birthday . I'm not a huge beer fan, but I wont turn down free booze. I'm a pragmatist like that. Unfortunately, other than a shittyIrish band, that had an asshole PROUDLY playing a recorder straight out of third grade, it had none of good times I look for in my St. Patricks day celebration. Adding to the atmosphere of mcdoucheyness, was the fact that everyone there was boring, old, and homely. Not a winning combination We were shocked they charged a cover for this; hell, they should be paying us for improving the place with our presence.

So we decided to walk to a bar nearby, The Cabooze. Even the name inspires interest. It was there that I met my fat twin. Seriously, she looked exactly like me, but 45 lbs heavier. At least now I know I would still be sorta' cute if I hardcore packed on the pounds.
fat me2
FAT MEEee

The band playing was a cross between Linkin' Park and keep-your-fucking-day-job. But, being drunk we danced anyway. That's when the trouble started (I blame the dude in the band wearing a Cosby sweater, that forced me to follow him when he got offstage to tell him he was pimping out that Cosby sweater pretty good for a white guy). There was this cute little blonde chick that INSISTED on grinding me. Being the polite person I am, I obliged. Once the making out started, her boyfriend got pissed and dragged her away. She of course came back, and then there was the inevitable groping. He looked like he wanted to hit me. Good thing I had the Puppetmaster with me (I call him that because of how he was holding me up at times because of my extreme inebriation), who is not a shrimpy guy like blonde chick's boyfriend. Hey, it's not my fault your inadequacies make your girlfriend want to dyke out.

The Puppetmaster could tell I was one drink away from FUBAR and made me go to Taco Bell to get some burritos to soak it up. I will admit to to not feeling my best the next day.

21 comments:

Jay said...

Taco Bell on top of a night of drinking? That would be instant death right there. LOL

We used to end our nights at Waffle House. Not sure how I survived that either.

I think I speak for everyone when I say that there should be pics of you and the blonde. ;-)

Beach Bum said...

Some people can't don't see an opportunity even if it jumps up and bites them on the butt. If I was blond chicks boyfriend I would have tried to join the fun or at least take pictures.

Sparkling Red said...

I want to know: who was it who decided, in their infinite wisdom, that playing the recorder MUST be part of the 3rd grade curriculum for all of North America? I thought it was just a Toronto Board of Ed. thing. Surely that classroom time could be put to better use.

TED VELVET said...

there's another one of you out there, you've got a triplet in connecticut that works at Stop and Shop and looks like a very unhappy bitch. you should tell her if she's gonna look like you, she should enjoy it or you'll break her face. better keep your clones in line, go tell the other one to lose weight too.

The cabooze, sounds like a classy joint.

sirdar said...

Looks like you were separated at birth!! That is just too close for comfort. Maybe not the dancing chick, but your twin. I wonder...did you ever feel there was a sister out there that was missing from the family?

C.Rag said...

Tell your twin to drop the pounds then you can make out with. My dream is to clone myself so I can make out with myself.

Mathman6293 said...

You write so well and are too funny. I love masterful stories about drinking, bad and good music, girl-girl encounters and the friend that props you up. You hit them all in one!

Malach the Merciless said...

Holy crap, come sit the two of your on my loveseat! What, What, in the Butt (DAMN YOU C.RAG)

billymac said...

I agree with beach bum, that dude had a golden opportunity and he BLEW IT! He could at least got to watch some hot girl-on-girl...

Anonymous said...

Three St. Patrick's Day references - A claim to being 100% Irish - Yet had to reason why you accepted a free American beer made in the Irish tradition? zzzzz

R.E.H. said...

I would go to a bar named "The Cabooze". Sounds like a must-go-to place.

I would also oblige to a pretty blond chick grinding me... how could I not?

And, now I need me some Taco Bell's!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

"The band playing was a cross between Linkin' Park and keep-your-fucking-day-job."

This is the kind of whimsical writing I comb the blogosphere in hopes to find!

I dig you, TM. And the fact that you're Irish only intensifies it.

AngryMan said...

This post was refreshing. So rarely do you talk about your experiences in bars. :)

RockDog said...

What if Blond Girls Boyfriend was friendly - is there an opportunity for the magic of a threesome? That would be hot to know that possibilities still exist in this country. ;)

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Mmmm.... Taco Bell

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i'm entirely to lazy to respond to each and every comment. so i'll just summarize. no, i dont have threesomes with other chicks boyfriends. but yes, that was a better angle for him to work instead of the jealous boyfriend. i think he kind of knew he wouldnt know what to do if something like that happened anyway.

yes, taco bell fuckin rocks. today when i put on the black leather coat that i wore that night i saw all of this white shit all over it, and i'm like WTF. turned out it was sour cream.

and yes, i wouldve totally made out with my twin had she been a little lighter.

as for the assbag anonymous, you can suck a sack of dicks. what is more un-irish, drinking an american made beer marketed as irish or not accepting free booze?

Tink said...

Omg, that chick looked just like you in the face! She's not really your twin? That's crazy.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Now that is straight up freaky!!!!

Maybe your parents have been keeping a secret from you?

Mike said...

Well if you felt bad the next day, it was obviously because you went to Taco Bell. That's enough to kill anyone.

A double shot of Tequila. Imagine the possibilities.

moooooog35 said...

Twice the Tequila freshness!

Sara Sue said...

Whoa!! She DOES look just like you! How weird is that??