Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Douchebag of the Month

I always have the hardest time figuring out whom to give my Douchebag of the Month award to. The holiday season has more douchebaggery than strippers have abortions, so this month especially difficult to choose. However, after being bombarded with advertisements for this during transit, a time when I am already angry and screaming at motorists that I will “break their fucking legs”, I was able to make my decision.
Douchebag


Many of you have had the misfortune of watching VH1’s “Rock of Love,” a crappy reality show that even causes even atheists start praying the writer’s strike ends. This do-rag wearing assbag brought his pathetic show to Minneapolis, where not only he wants to have a concert, he wanted to “meet” someone. So the local radio station had a contest between the local cougars where someone could win to hang out with him in his van. WTF?! I don’t want to hear this audible abomination sing, much less hang out with him. Bret Michaels is so irrelevant, he has been washed up since before I was born.
Bret Michaels


It still boggles my mind that people WANTED to be with him. Yes, I understand they were attention whores, making up for Daddy going to the gas station to get cigarettes and never coming back. But Judas H. Priest; I would rather have sex with three other people who also probably have STD’s than fuck Bret Michaels.

So congratulations Bret Michaels, you win because you have brought your inherent douchyness to me at a local level. There's going to be a season 2, and I wish him the best of luck finding his next skell. I’m sure you will be very happy freezing warts off each other’s genitals.

23 comments:

Jay said...

"The holiday season has more douchebaggery than strippers have abortions,..."

Actually, strippers have sex with only two types of people. Their loser drug-addict boyfriends and high paying lonely men who will pay lots to have sex with strippers.

So, they usually abort the loser boyfriend's kid, but they keep the kid that the high paying lonely guy fathered. That way they can use the child support to support the boyfriend's meth addiction.

Just thought I'd clear that up for you. ;-)



Anyway, I was rooting for Jen all the way last year. She was pretty cool. Well, "cool" in the "desperate to be on TV and will screw anybody anywhere to be on TV" way.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Well.... If you would consider 3 guys with an STD, then hmmmm... You know I don't have any STD's,... I'm just saying...

RockDog said...

Wow...I mean with all the other douche bags in the world you settled for Bret Michaels? Rosie Odonnel? Too easy? How about anyone with a mullet? Ahh, sorry...I'm old. Bret was cool when I was cool...AND when my mullet was cool...but I digress...

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

You write with reckless abandon and I love it.

Almost as much as I like the 80s supergroup, Poison!

Mike said...

I thought Bret Michaels was dead. Maybe I was just hoping he was dead.

Sometimes there's a very thin line between thinking and hoping.

katie said...

Please stop holding back with your feelings, Tequila!!! How do you really feel about Bret? It's okay. Just let the shit out already!! hahah!

Man, now i feel like an even bigger asswipe cuz i watched that whole damn season of Rock of Love. i have no idea which was worse. rock of love or tila tequila. it's a toss up.

Happy New Year, girl!!:)

Mathman6293 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mathman6293 said...

He's a great (big) douche bag.

I guess there is not enough appreciation for the professional writer these days.

Malach the Merciless said...

Every rose has a thorn .. .

billymac said...

i was thinking of a quirky comment that would top your "go fist yourself" sentiments... but I got nuthin, that was fucking awesome.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Jay: thnx for schooling me. my desire for knowlege regarding strippers is immense.

Warped: dude. i'm not saying i WANTED To hook up with people who have STD's... i was using this analogy to illustrate how much i did not want to fuck bret michaels.

Rockdog: i said the decision was difficult. douchebags run amok. it was because i was assaulted with this on a local level that i couldnt NOT give this award to bret.

Lightning: goddamn right i do. you like poison? good for you. i'm a closet madonna fan. we all have our crosses to bear.

Mike: give it a few more years. your hopes will become reality.

Katie; sorry, i'm not really open with my opinions. it was one of my resolutions to fix shit like that. because you are hot, it is ok you watched that travesty of a show.

Math: no shit. i ACHE for professionally written shows.

Malach: that's it? you couldve did better than being a Captain Obvious and stating the obvious.

Billy: i get that a lot. i have the tendancy to overwhelm

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers!

I'd also highly enjoy watching him fist himself.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

LOL, I know just messing with you head a little. Sorry.

TED VELVET said...

I'd hang out with him in his van and keep singing unskinny bop in his face until he shoots himself. good post.

pissed off patricia said...

Never heard of him and after reading your description of him, I am damned proud to say I never heard of him.

moooooog35 said...

I bet he says "Talk dirty to me" to the 40 year-old cougar he gets into his van.

I wish I could pull that off...but I think it's Trademarked.

Although, when I say it, it's usually to my reflection in the mirror and doesn't come off with the same aplomb.

AngryMan said...

How are you going to get your revenge?

em said...

Well done! He's an ass and those girls. . .ugh. . what a sad, sad world.

harx said...

Wow...

this is really a show??!??!?

I'm so glad I got rid of my TV, this reality show horseshit is just getting more horrible with each new generation.

For that matter, how pathetic is it that he needs a reality show to get laid now.

Landon said...

Death to anyone that poses with the "horned hand" and stticks their tongue out!

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I had forgotten about Bret Michaels. I confess I had a thing for Poison in early high school.

I remember my bff and I went to the local DQ on his birthday and had a little birthday party for him. Not that he was there...but we did sing (LOUDLY) and have ice cream.

I had no idea he was still in the public eye. Can you tell I live without cable?

FOUR DINNERS said...

Am I to assume you don't like him very much? Whoever he is....

If you don't then I don't. Whoever he is....

Have you any photo's of New Years Eve? I feel really pervy right now ;-)

Blogger said...

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