Thursday, January 3, 2008

New Year's Bullshit

I didn’t do a New Year’s post on the 1st (partially because I was hungover and hating life) and I didn’t do one yesterday because I was in a foul mood (hence the wrathful post about that assbag Bret Michaels). This is because I almost died like 6 times on the way to work. My defroster decided it wasn’t going to go into the new year with me. It’s pretty hard to drive when you can’t see out of your windshield. Although, I will say this, nothing wakes you up in the morning like a few brisk brushes with death. I’ll admit to getting a “survivor’s high” from it, so it wasn’t completely a poor experience.

I’ve put some of my resolutions around on other peoples’ blogs, but here are some that I feel need sharing:

  1. I’m not going to be ok with people touching my fucking hair anymore. It happened today again at Target, some random person just came up and started petting me like a cat. Normally I politely smile and disengage the hand, but today I went off and said to the portly man: “How would you feel if I came up and started rubbing your belly for good luck like Buddha?” Seriously, I don’t know what is on their hands. He could’ve just picked his nose or went to the bathroom without washing his hands. I don’t want that shit in my nicely manicured hair. The red curly hair is the rarest hair type, and Auntie Cougar (who has similar hair) gets the same thing, but NO MORE.
    Auntie Cougar
  2. I’m not watching Dr. Phil drunk again. He has the same eyes as Dr. Kevorkian, and I get nightmares afterwards about him yelling at me and then trying to convince me in that loud southern voice of his (you would think that mustache would muffle his voice, but it doesn’t) to commit suicide.

Dr Phil Cunt

3. I will listen to my “pangs of cuntcience” more often. You know, it’s that feeling one gets when they think they might have did something cunt-like.

These three resolutions seem doable . People who act like they are going to change their habits or lifestyle drastically because of the new year, rarely ever do. So let's all be reasonable. No one is going to lose 5o lbs, quit smoking crack, or any other crazy shit I see posted. Don't agree? Well prove me wrong.

30 comments:

moooooog35 said...

I resolved to continue stroking the hair of random strangers.

You are SO marked for a stroking.

(As a side note, I've said that same line to my wiggly many times before)

RockDog said...

I would rub the hell out of your hair in Wal-Mart while moaning sweet nothings to the cashier...

Happy New Year!

Landon said...

So how long have you known I have been wiping my boogers in your hair? :s

Jon said...

My only resolution is to not let people draw on my arms with Sharpie. I've definitely had two cocks on my arm for a couple days now because the damn things won't come off. I'm getting pretty tired of wearing long sleeves.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I'm sure the portly man would have felt it was fair for you to rub his belly since he was stroking your hair. It's a good way to make new friends. :)

Brian Stanfill said...

I suppose at one time I felt the same way about all that damn groping in high school... but then I realized it was better you than a creepy teacher.

harx said...

Fuck quitting, I'm going to start smoking crack for the New Year.

Jay said...

If I started a crack and or meth habit I could lose 50lbs. Just a thought.

What about PULLING your hair instead of just playing with it?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Moog: ohhhh man, marked for a stroking. that is goddamn poetic.

Rockdog: i never see hot cashier chicks at walmart. you can have her.

Landon: it's ok. i wipe mine on your pillow. didnt you notice how scratchy it was?

Jon: that's hot. mmm cock arm!

Ron: i didnt want to rub his belly so much as fuck him in the face with a baseball bat.

Brian: i know you are a homo and all, but you still loved my gropings of your ass when we were teenagers.

Harx: oooh i cant wait to see how hot you look with your teeth rotted out.

Jay: there is a definite difference between pulling and petting my hair.

Mike said...

I wish people would stop trying to stroke my dick.









No...I really don't.

Beach Bum said...

Saw a lady in a Wal-Mart down on the coast pop a guy beside the head with her bag after he came up behind her. Don't know what she had in it but it knocked him out cold for several minutes. Turned out the guy was her boyfriend and he had surprised her by grabbing her ass. After the situation was cleared up they left together with her feeling him up. I figured once they got home he got the best sex in his life.

Mathman6293 said...

I'll never understand why people do shit like your portly man. What the fuck?

I agree with you, that's why I don't make resolutions. When I need to make a change I try to do it. The New Year is random anyway after all some cultures celebrate the new year at other times of years.

katie said...

i will stop smoking crack, tequila. you just watch.

i can't believe you don't like having your hair stroked by random fat asses. i, er, um, thought everyone enjoyed this...there are so few simple pleasures in life, Tequila. gotta get'em where ya can.

Have a great weekend!!

R.E.H. said...

Would you mind me stroking your hair after I've scratched my balls?

AngryMan said...

I resolve to get you and Auntie Cougard to spend time w/me and Wifey . . .

Phoebe Fay said...

Pangs of cuntcience. I resolve to discover my cuntscience and listen to its pangs whenever possible.

Also, when someone strokes your hair, just spin quickly with your elbow raised high. That way, it looks like an "accident" rather than assault.

Buzzardbilly said...

1. I feel this incredible urge to start stroking strangers' hair.

2. Fuck giving in to pangs of cuntscience. Resolve to deserve to feel them more while actually feeling them less.

Malach the Merciless said...

So, we film you, c.rag, and auntie, call it Red Headed Passion, and we are YouPorn sensations!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: you have people trying to stroke your dick when you are in target? what fuckin' target are you going to?

Beach: that's hillarious. yeah, accidental violence does usually lead to some good sexin'.

Mathman: i'm not gonna pretend i dont celebrate new years eve... i'm all about drinking holidays. and i love the chinese new year too, chow on some dim song and make out with little fortune cookie asian girls.

Katie: when you stop smoking crack, you can totally be like "i told you sooo!" i hope some fat ass strokes your hair soon, so you can enjoy this 'simple pleasure'

REH: ew, ball hands?

Angreyman: auntie cougar isnt interested, but i sure am...

Pheobe: i'm sure your man will help you discover any 'pangs' you might have in your cuntcience.

Buzzard: well ignore any pangs of cuntcience and get to strokin' (i'm singing billy squire: stroooke it stroke it)

Malach: dont think auntie cougar is interested. she's wild, but not like BUCK wild.

TED VELVET said...

I resolve to try and stop flinging my jism at people as they pass me in stores. I've given out so many spider eyes and made so many women cry, but it's soooo much fun.

Leighann said...

The same thing goes when you're pregnant. People think your belly is a communal meeting place!

I told one lady "the baby is anti social and wants to be left alone"

hehe

Elise said...

People walk around and stroke your hair?! That is so weird!

I think you just need to relocate.

xx

billymac said...

I suppose a random dude stroking your hair in public is better than a random dude checking your oil in public...

Preposterous Ponderings said...

As you know,I skip peoples hair and just go directly for the goods.

Cocaine Princess said...

First let me say thank you for not only stopping by my blog but also taking the time to leave a comment.

Second, I love your name, Tequila Mockingbird- brilliant!!!

Third, I love your blog, I love your openness and how you're not afraid to speak your mind. Keep in touch.
XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

AngryMan said...

Tequila:
Just give me a chance to talk to her. I can be pretty persuasive.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

People TOUCH you uninvited? I would be so weirded out.

Well, I suppose I'd either lap it up or seriously maime. There isn't a lot of middle ground in my response to people.

Christine said...

I had someone touch my hair (stroked) while I was seated on some bleachers watching a basketball game. "Oh, you have such pretty curls) It totally freaked me out and left me speechless....I have stored your budda comment away for further use if required.

FOUR DINNERS said...

Can I stroke any hair you have? Not armpits though.

sirdar said...

Well...I must admit you do have nice hair, but if you are going to pound me out for touching it...I'll refrain :-)

How could anyone listen to Dr. Phil? Oh wait...he just walked Britney out of the hospital...I guess she might.