New Year's Bullshit

I didn’t do a New Year’s post on the 1st (partially because I was hungover and hating life) and I didn’t do one yesterday because I was in a foul mood (hence the wrathful post about that assbag Bret Michaels). This is because I almost died like 6 times on the way to work. My defroster decided it wasn’t going to go into the new year with me. It’s pretty hard to drive when you can’t see out of your windshield. Although, I will say this, nothing wakes you up in the morning like a few brisk brushes with death. I’ll admit to getting a “survivor’s high” from it, so it wasn’t completely a poor experience.

I’ve put some of my resolutions around on other peoples’ blogs, but here are some that I feel need sharing:

1. I’m not going to be ok with people touching my fucking hair anymore. It happened today again at Target, some random person just came up and started petting me like a cat. Normally I politely smile and disengage the hand, but today I went off and said to the portly man: “How would you feel if I came up and started rubbing your belly for good luck like Buddha?” Seriously, I don’t know what is on their hands. He could’ve just picked his nose or went to the bathroom without washing his hands. I don’t want that shit in my nicely manicured hair. The red curly hair is the rarest hair type, and Auntie Cougar (who has similar hair) gets the same thing, but NO MORE.
   
2. I’m not watching Dr. Phil drunk again. He has the same eyes as Dr. Kevorkian, and I get nightmares afterwards about him yelling at me and then trying to convince me in that loud southern voice of his (you would think that mustache would muffle his voice, but it doesn’t) to commit suicide.

3. I will listen to my “pangs of cuntcience” more often. You know, it’s that feeling one gets when they think they might have did something cunt-like.

These three resolutions seem doable . People who act like they are going to change their habits or lifestyle drastically because of the new year, rarely ever do. So let's all be reasonable. No one is going to lose 5o lbs, quit smoking crack, or any other crazy shit I see posted. Don't agree? Well prove me wrong.