Friday, January 4, 2008

The Ballad of Batman

I’ve said it before, but I will say it again, I don’t like telling second hand stories. This one is actually third hand, which makes me even lamer, but it’s such a funny story that it is worth the high douche factor.

I heard it from a guy that works as a vacation facilitator; he takes out different companies, usually on a cruise for the people to blow off a little steam. This time he took out a group of accountants, on a cruise to Brazil, where they stayed in Brazil for a day and then went back. On the trip back, this guy we will call Frank noticed one of the accountants looked absolutely miserable. Being as it was his job to make sure these people were having a good time, he kept asking “Chuck” what was wrong, because on the way to Brazil, this guy had been in great spirits.

Finally, Chuck says “ok, but you need to promise not to tell anyone.” Anytime someone says that as a preface to a story, you know it’s going to be quality. After Frank’s copious assurances, Chuck tells him that he met a woman in Brazil, and they started drinking and really hitting it off. Frank’s coworker’s start listening at this point.

Chuck: yeah, she was hot, and before I knew it she wanted to go back to her hotel room.
Frank: that sounds like good times.
Chuck: it was. We made out, and drank more, and then she started taking off her clothes.
Coworkers: and then you saw her dick, right?
Chuck: no, she didn’t have a dick. She was all women.
Coworkers: niiiiice. So then what was the problem.
Chuck (with a heavy sigh): well, she asked if she could tie me up, and I let her.

Side Note- obviously this whore was fucking amazing looking if she can get some guy she met in a bar, in a foreign country to let her tie him up.

Frank: oh, she stole your wallet, right? Don’t feel bad, this happens all of the time.
Chuck (with a look of pure, unadulterated misery): no, I wish she had just stolen my wallet. After she ties me up, she says she needs to go freshen up in the bathroom. I was slightly suspicious, but I ignored it. She didn’t come out of the bathroom. A guy dressed as Batman did.
Coworkers: OH SHIT!
Chuck (almost in tears): I didn’t know you could be ass raped while laying on your back!
Batman Assrape


Well, I guess Chuck learned a valuable lesson about the mechanics of the butt-fuck. Now, he will have post traumatic stress whenever he sees Batmen commercials and paraphernalia. What may be worse, is being known at work as the guy who got an sodomized by a guy with a cape (I bet they sing that Batman theme song whenever he walks by)… it totally trumps doing something embarrassing while drunk at the office holiday party.

So, the moral of the story is, don’t let strange whores tie you up and yes, you CAN get analy raped while lying on your back.

24 comments:

TED VELVET said...

holy anal penetration!

Jon said...

ZAP!
POW!
RAPE!

RockDog said...

This sounds like the perfect case for those Myth Buster dudes on TV. See if they can prove anal entry on your back. Although, I probably won't watch that one...but then again, I do enjoy a good BatMan flick...

Have a kick ass weekend!

Captain Flak Paperpants said...

VIVA LA ASSRAPE!

Jay said...

LOL .. Well, he kind of deserved it. Maybe not an anal raping, but when you pick up hookers in a foreign country and let them tie you up you're asking for it.

Just like my buddy who called an escort in Vegas. He agreed to meet her at a seedy adult motel and of course he got rolled. He pre-paid so the chick could take the money down to her body guard and tell him every thing was okay.

Yeah, the bodyguard came back to the room with her and my friend got rolled. They kicked his ass and took his wallet and watch and his shoes. Poor dumb bastard.

Leighann said...

Why do you think he kept Robin The Boy Wonder around??

Practice!!

the fonz said...

given this is a thirdhand story, is it urban legend? i always assume so in this day and age.

if not, it was one hell of a dark knight for that dude.

Real Live Lesbian said...

I'm the perv wondering if he had a fly on his batman suit! Ka-POW!

AngryMan said...

"So, the moral of the story is, don’t let strange whores tie you up and yes, you CAN get analy raped while lying on your back."

Is there any other way to anally raped? Well, I guess The Flash could do it . . .

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Rockdog: i think i will pass on that episode too.

Jay: it's so sad you cant trust prostys. they just arent honorable. i know, i was shocked too!

Leighann: well it's no shocker that robin took it in the ass.

Fonz: always a possibility.

RLL: i think that he was wearing the top, the cape and mask, but jsut no pants.

Angry: i was under the impression most anal raps happened when a person was on their stomach

R.E.H. said...

Oh my God! I seriously believe that could be grounds for a suicide attempt should it happen to me... first, though, there would definitely be a homicide attempt.

When reading it like this though... I can't help but laugh - a freakin' BATMAN suit?

billymac said...

I always thought batman was a bit fruity, who knew he was a latin raping homo... probably like those aggressive gay guys from seinfeld.

Beach Bum said...

A Brazilian Deliverance ? At least Batman didn't make him squeal like a pig.

Sparkling Red said...

What could have been worse? Maybe if the rapist was dressed up as Big Bird?

Phoebe Fay said...

Maybe it really was her in the batman costume. With a strap-on?

No, no I suppose not.

Well, Robin was getting a little too old and was starting to resist those "training sessions."

Warped Mind of Ron said...

I shall continue to take notes from you Tequilla I think you may have saved me from some very bad situations today I cannot thank you enough.

Malach the Merciless said...

Speaking of ass raping, that crazy lady at YouTube is doing it all over your good name

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Guess he learned real quick that the bat cave was Batman's favorite hiding spot.

AngryMan said...

Tequila:
When I dress up as the Green Lantern and rape people, I make sure that they are face up. This is why I was confused by your conclusion. Maybe I'm just an outlier.

BBC said...

LOL

FOUR DINNERS said...

This should be the next Batman movie. Wasn't his sidekick Robin actually called Dick? Apt.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

being an eternal optimist, I was horrified. I thought everything should have a happy ending.

Then I realized...for Batman it was.

Colonel Colonel said...

So that's why there's a greased pole in the Bat Cave.

sirdar said...

If any of that was true....it sure makes a good funny story!! I've always wondered about Batman and the Boy Wonder....I wonder if that is his new nickname...Boy Wonder...