Thursday, January 17, 2008

Coming to a Job Fair Near You!!

Like many people, I have a legitimate job. However, as I was looking at this, and thinking how much I didn’t want to actually work today, I thought maybe I should consider changing professions. One in particular that interests me (because of the likelihood of making much money with minimal work) is Snake Oil Salesmen. And with the intrawebs and infomercials, I could be much more effective with my peddling of useless crap.

The key is making people think they NEEEEEED it.
This product does a perfect job of that, convincing dumb bastards if they buy it, they won’t die during germ warfare. And because it’s from Sam’s Club, you can buy a pack of 20, so that will totally make it actually effective. Folks, if there is legitimate germ warfare, I have some bad news, a UV light wand won’t save you; it will just make you look like some wizardy douchebag.
UV wand of Snake Oil

One of the biggest secrets of the Snake Oil sales is quantity. Billy Mays, that bearded asshole that yells at you about cleaning products, knows this. Granted, two of shit is still shit, he will scream at you, like a televangelist on PCP, that if you call RIGHT NOW he will throw in FREE OF CHARGE a third bottle of super-bleach. But I think, other than the free-shit-with-your-purchase concept, he also employs white trash guilt, implying your house can’t possibly be clean since you don’t have his products. I have no qualms guilting people into buying my snake oil.
Billy MoFo Mays

Going along with that same line of thought, convincing people that their life can be completely changed by a product will make it sell like crazy. The Secret is a prime example of this. Do you have a crappy job, sleep alone at night and get treated like ass by everyone? Well if you THINK strong enough thoughts, you can attract real events to change. I have a strong thought that this is bullshit; it must make it so. Weight loss drugs employ the same concept. No magic beans will peel off the weight, do some cardio and eat some fucking salads.

Naming is also important when selling a worthless product. One of my favorites is Nads (fuck, I was shocked nads.com wasn't already taken for a gay porn site). Now, like most people when I hear the word “nads” I think testicles. This shit is green and removes your unwanted hair. I had a friend in high school who used this snake oil, and not only did the majority of her hair not come off of her bikini area, but her cooch had all of these red angry bumps that looked much like The Herp. That’s hot. I don’t want those kind of nads anywhere near my crotch.

For more snake oil action, go here.

35 comments:

Captain Flak Paperpants said...

I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! I WILL DO WHATEVER BILLY MAYS WANTS ME TO DO! Well, maybe not.

Mike said...

Are you telling me that my EMP power modulator doesn't work? That's fucked up.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I was scammed! I have one of those bracelets shown on the last site you posted.

Damn it! No wonder I grew a 3rd damn nipple!

I want my money back!

moooooog35 said...

I consider sperm donation as selling my snake oil.

As such, I'm a dedicated snake oil salesman.

I DO yell...but usually only right before the oil comes out.

...freaks out the nurses.

Act NOW...And not ONLY do you get to SAMPLE my snake oil..but I'll throw in a batch of my Nads to go with it.

Seriously...how can you turn down THAT offer?

Hungry Mother said...

I would think that you could do it like in the old days. Repackage some grain alcohol with some food coloring and glycerin and call it "Nerve Tonic" or something. You've got the experience, the savvy, and the malarkey. Go for it!

The Fonz said...

sell your snake oil through amway and you have the best of both worlds.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Believe what you will. I firmly believe that if I keep taking these pill I got off the internet I will gain an additional 3 inches. I just havent taken enough of them yet!

FOUR DINNERS said...

A friend of mine (I swear it wasn't me) was told by a friend of his, age fourteen, that if he rubbed 'Ralgex' (a heat treatment for muscles) on his dick he would get the sensation of being in a warm pussy. He duly obliged and then spent over an hour in agony with his dick in a glass of water to cool it down.

He now plays for The Old Pretenders FC and is known to all as Ralgex.

The person who convinced him to try this is now an insurance salesman.

Ralgex buys everything he sees advertised on television.

Some people never learn.

Jay said...

Someday when I win the lottery, I'm gonna buy a year's supply of every single thing Billy Mays is pitching. It all just looks soooooo awesome! I love all that shit.

billymac said...

Nads and angry red bumps on a cooch... that is priceless, do happen to have any photos? I have no standards.

Sparkling Red said...

"Two of shit is still shit"

I hadn't heard that one before. Is it yours? Cause I'm stealing it. Don't even try to stop me!

Tink said...

Hoop likes to point out how many products Billy Mays is on because it drives me effin' CRAZY.

minijonb said...

If I picked that thing up, I would feel like a kid playing with a toy lightsaber.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Four Dinners: HAHAHAHAHAHH that is fucking hillarious. i havent been responding to all of my comments cause i've been busy, but yours deserved some reply!

katie said...

oh tequila!! now i know what those angry red cooch bumps are about! your blog is a wealth of knowledge, my friend!

Sarah said...

Billy Mays rocks...I just want to know if it is possible to get a toilet as dirty as the one he uses in his commercial. Someone not only took a couple of mean shits, but the water has some level of toxic waste.

And you totally ruined the "free" concept for me...$19.95 is such a bargain when you get a second bottle for free...

Damn you Tequila...

R.E.H. said...

I've got Nads in my crotch, but there's still unwanted hair there!

Bull!

TED VELVET said...

you want to scam some rubes, create a baby product, any stupid thing, a stuffed rhino, a moose spoon,whatever. put the words, genious, einstein, newton, mozart or Beethoven in front of the name charge a 50 bucks for it and watch the competitive douche parents go crazy. oooooh look, a real genious Mozart Beethoven rattle made from real rusty barbwire. our kid will be smarter than that stupid kid without the genious mozart beethoven rattle.

AngryMan said...

Can I be a silent investor?

Malach the Merciless said...

I do Billy Mays, and NADS has always been funny

BottleBlonde said...

Nads! I used that shizz in college, too! Felt like somebody lit a match to my vagina and set it aflame. They don't call me firecrotch for nothin'.

P.S. I was firecrotch before that tart, Lindsay Lohan.

BBC said...

23? Think you will make it to 40? You have so much to learn, never mind that you already think you know it all.

Well, I never expected to make it to 64, but I did stick to just light beer and using my brain some.

Good luck.

RockDog said...

How much does it cost to become a wizardy asshole? Billy Mays rocks it...he is the new Ron Popeil! (Google it bitches...)

Have a kick ass weekend!

Southern Sage said...

Surely for the love of God, or Darwin, or Hubbard depending on what you believe, yo must must must put my good buddy Ole' Al, that would be Gore's picture up there! How couldanything be more snake oil than Global Idiocy?? Oppps warming my bad!

Matt-Man said...

Billy Mays, ppfffffft. He's just a Ron Popeil wannabe. Hey Billy, Set it and Forget It, pal. Cheers!!

buffalodickdy said...

Best laugh of the day! And God knows I needed one...

IDigHootchAndCootch said...

someone should tell Billy Mays to bust out and use more natural looking hair coloring products. Maybe that can be his next pitch.

Real Live Lesbian said...

LMAO @ the Nads! Did these people do NO research on the English language before naming their product? WTF?

Colonel Colonel said...

RONCO!!!!

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Where has this blog been all my life?

Great stuff, tequila.

I should have you know that as I write, I expect delivery on 3 of those Billy Mays remote light switch things.

I snagged them on eBay with free delivery.

Don't hate me.

C.Rag said...

I like Urine Gone, because that's a product I need.

Mathman6293 said...

My boy was just asking the other day, "Why does that guy yell on those ads." I had no reply. Now I do.

I always think of testicles/balls/nuts when I hear NADS, too.

What a great laugh.

Rebecca Burch said...

Ahahahahaaaaa! I had to drop in here to tell you I love your username, but now I'm laughing so hard at your post that I forgot what I was going to say.

Okay. Gotta go buy some Orange Clean, now.

Phoebe Fay said...

See, if it wasn't for my pesky sense of morals, I would be a millionaire by now. Snake oil! Yahhhh!

Brian Stanfill said...

I hope it vibrates... I'd buy 20 if it vibrates.