Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Cheers! It's my hundredth post!

I didn't post during the day like I normally do, partially because I was legitimately working (it happens even to the best of us sometimes) and I didn't just want to post some random shit, because HEY it's motherfucking special... #100!

So, I took a look at my email inbox, and after sifting through unrequested dick pics and pleas for the posting of my tits, I decided to answer some reader questions.

Q: Are you really like this in real life?
A: Yes, to some extent. I do tone it down at work and other places where decorum is required, but I'm pretty much a whole bag of chaos. Hell, this weekend at the bar, I forget what I was saying, but some guy was like "damn girl, you have enough balls to play rochambeau" I took it as a compliment, and said I would play as long as I could go first. Anyway, at the very least, I am always entertaining. I have some bartenders who let me drink free because of this quality. and my killer rack.
Tequi Mo

Q: What is your biggest fear?
A: Squid. I saw this show recently about these huge goddamn squid that seriously fuck people up. They have hooks on their tentacles and are legitimate bad times. Granted I live in MN now, but still. Who knows when they will Darwin their asses some legs and get up on shore to spray you in the face with ink.

Q: What are your visions for the future?
A: Having my liver regrown like scientists did for a rat heart. They even got it to beat, so they *Should* be able to get my new liver to filter out booze. Ted Velvet suggested in a comment to me, that I should get a new liver and then put the old one in a glass jar to take out drinking with me. That would be one hell of an ice breaker at the bar.

Q:What are some of your favorite things?
A: raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens. HAHAHAHA! Only kidding. I love being unintentionally correct. It makes the victory all that more satisfying. Like for example, when I was playing scrabble a couple months ago, and pulling words out of my ass. I got challenged, only to find out that the word was real. WELL FUCK ME IN THE ASS AND CALL ME JANET! Of course I played it off with the obligatory : " I told you so! How dare you question my mad word skillz?!"

Q: Do you believe in magic?
A: Absolutely; A bar tab. It magically makes douchebag attributes go away and allows me to continue talking to some pompous, self-important, vapid idiot. At least until I remember I brought my flask.

So there you have it folks. I didn't actually know how people would recieve me when I started this, but apparently I am as well liked as a slutty girl on prom night. To thank everyone, I am posting below the recipe of what is in my martini shaker. Also, feel free to ask me more questions you are burning to know the answer for.


Mockingbird Appletini
  • 2 parts Apple Pucker
  • 2 parts kettel one
  • 2 parts Motts apple juice

shake it up with three ice cubes (hey your burning calories to offset the incredible amount of sugar!) and garnish with a marachino cherry

40 comments:

Jay said...

You're not afraid of fried squid though, right? Very yummy stuff! I'm a little afraid of squid when they JUST chopped it up and the legs are still squirming around and you have to chew it up really fast or the little suckers will stick to your tongue if you don't chew fast enough.

It would be nice to have spare liver to take out drinking. Hell, I'd even be willing to pay for one of those.

Hungry Mother said...

I wish I had met you when I was still drinking, but you were about 8 years old then and the relationship would have all about the 1990s version of "Hannah Montana".

billymac said...

"keep the forward" as our friends in asia would say... good stuff, just try not to asphyxiate on your own vomit like hendrix...

Southern Sage said...

Thanks for coming by, I hope I can help!

Great post, the bar tab thing causes me to do magic, if there is a female bartender and shes a betting gal.
I'll always go double or none that I can tie a cherry a stem with my tongue inside 60 seconds....... I have lost once....
SS

TED VELVET said...

wow! 100 posts! that's nt only a major bloggin milestone but proof of the need for serious therapy. I should know I think I'm up to # five trillion. Thanks for quoting me. I'm fucking funny.

minijonb said...

congrats on the 100! and remember to drink a lot of water with those appletinis to ward off any potential hangover...

Buzzardbilly said...

And a fine fucking hundredth post it was too!

I think your liver should get some really ornate container for the jar, like some old and ornate reliquary. It could become teh pimp cup of the 2010s if ya start soon.

Chuck said...

What a milestone! You should be so freaking proud. I'd suggest running naked through the streets to celebrate, but that's just me. You might want to wear a sports bar though...

I'm counting on that liver filter thing for my future too. We can hope...

Joseph said...

the cat picture is great.

fuck squid.

fuck their ink.

and i've lost rochambeau... twice.

maybe scientists can grow me two more nuts.

R.E.H. said...

You actually get dick pics in the mail? I should post my e-mail adress then, and maybe get a few naked chick pics ;)

I'm with Jay on the squid - fried squid is yummy! Some chinese restaurants serve it with sweet and sour sauce and rice (duh!) - one of my favorite foods of all time!

AngryMan said...

"Fuck me in the ass and call me 'Janet'?"
I'm going to have to try that on Wifey.

moooooog35 said...

Sweeet. Nice job on #100.

100 posts and I still can't get on your f*cking blogroll?!

I'm hurt.

Not in an "I've been f*cked in the ass and called Janet" kind of hurt...but hurt nonetheless.

I'm with you on the squid...but only because they have beaks like birds. I wouldn't so much worry about them growing legs...I'd be scared of them actually flying and shit.

...imagine what your car would look like parked under a tree full of squid.

Inky.

katie said...

Oh Tequila! You are one of my favorite reads. I feel butt ass wasted every time i leave your blog...and you know what? that just feels pretty damn good. i wish i had met you before i went to rehab. we would have had good times! but alas, i am old enough to be your big sis!

anyways, is the janet you speak of the one from Three's Company? The chick that was always trying to get in Jack Tripper's pants? oh, please tell me u know this show!!

Happy 100th post, girl. Keep on keepin' it on. except for your shirt. take that off at any time. woohoooooooooo!

buffalodickdy said...

Congrats on No. 100! Cider booze- I could tell you such a story that really happened..

Matt-Man said...

If I were you I would drink one martini for every post you have made. Congrats. Cheers!!

Mike said...

Don't you just love unsolicited email from people asking stupid questions. They make my day.

Seems like I get fucked in the ass every day, but no one has ever called me Janet yet. There's hope for the future I guess.

Warped Mind of Ron said...

Congrats on 100 posts. Where should be forward the presents too? I have this really cool genetically enhanced squid I want to send to you as a pet...

harx said...

100!!!!

::dances an Irish jig::

BTW - I get first dibs on a pig liver once they get the kinks worked out...

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Congrats darlin'. My daughter has a theory that giant squid are invisible. They only become visible when they're dead which is why we only see dead specimens. So...if you see one you're safe. It's the one's you can't see...

Preposterous Ponderings said...

You go girlfriend!

I bet you wouldn't be so afraid of squid if one of their tentacles were up your hoo-haa. I bet that would be loads of fun!

Ok,turning myself on.I'll stop now.

Congratulations on 100 posts!

RockDog said...

Congrats and have a couple shots for me!

Rock ON!

C.Rag said...

I'll receive you...

Hobbs von Wackamole said...

I said it before and I'll say it again: Halleleujah for the Killer Rack!

Real Live Lesbian said...

Let's have some fried giant squid! Maxi calamari, baby!

Congrats on your 100th post!

Pour me onena those!

Hammer said...

Idiots in bars are much better after I drink myself to their level ;)

Malach the Merciless said...

I eat squid with my mouth hooks

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Happy 100th, TM, and what a post to kick it off!

Damn, all I had to do was send a picture of my junk and I'd get to see your boobs? Damn!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Moog: because you asked me to, like forever ago. now i'm not adding you based on principle. but thanks for dont being a dick about it.
XOXO

moooooog35 said...

Wow.

Principle sucks.

Colonel Colonel said...

Hey, congratulations on #100!

What was that about Victoria Principal and sucking???

Now I've lost my train of thought.

Simply Curious said...

Guys always send the dick pics. I want to know why I never get naked bitches.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

Congratulations on your 100th! You're a great read.

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