Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Ass Beatings Outside of the Bowling Alley

By popular demand, and my brief mention of it yesterday, I felt I needed to share the story of my bowling alley fight. I will preface this by saying I am not a violent person, and the last fight I had got in before this was when I was 15. I am a happy drunk, one that spreads joy and humor like a prostitute spreads her legs (and ultimately STD’s).

Anyway, I was leaving
Elsie’s with a group of friends, and we were waiting for the crosswalk sign to light up. When it did, the group of black girls behind us were impatient and told us to “Move out tha’ way.” Keeping in mind I am little feisty even while sober, much less when I’ve had a solid four hours of quality drinking in, I responded with a polite: “GO FUCK YOURSELF!” They were not as amused as my friends were. Next thing I know, I am flying through the street like Superman, because I had been pushed from behind. I was fortunate there weren’t cars coming because I would’ve been hit.

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When I got up, I was not in a particularly charitable mood, because I am relatively tall for a chick, I usually don’t have people starting shit with me. So, I did the reasonable thing, and punched her in the throat. People have asked me why I didn’t punch her in the face… the answer seems obvious: it’s really hard to hit someone back when you are trying to breathe. People have also asked me what she said after that; she wasn’t doing a whole lot of talking, as she was concentrating on not swallowing her tongue. Her friends were shocked and laughing at her, saying something about “OHHHhhh SNAP WHITE GIRL HIT YOU.” My friends were scared and saying something like “OH FUCK THEY ARE GOING TO SHOOT US” and hustled me away before the situation could escalate. They now refer to it as “The Night We Could’ve Died.”

My elbow was all bloody and gross, and I had hit the ground hard enough to tear my jeans and still bust up my knee. Overall, I think I still won, because I got the last hit in. And if anyone disagrees, we can fight about it.

23 comments:

C.Rag said...

Damn right you won! Now you will be prosecuted for a hate crime.

Landon said...

You go girl! I would have tore her 'fro off like a matted carpet!

Jon said...

Shoving someone who isn't looking into traffic does not constitute winning a fight. It may constitute second-degree murder, but not a W.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

c.rag: yeah, it happens like that. why can't people just take their ass beatings like the good ol days and not whine about hate crimes?

Landon: agreed. maybe next time. if we keep going to downtown, i'm sure there will be another one like this in the future.

Jon: she shoved me into traffic, i punched her in the throat... so i think i won.

Mike said...

You'll get no argument from me at all. Of course C.Rag is absolutely right on with her assessment of your win.

Keep your eyes peeled for Al Sharpton. He'll probably be showing up at your door soon.

TED VELVET said...

he who punches last wins. Never turn your back, As ron Burgandy would say,"gotta keep your head on swivel when you're involved in a cockfight." I was always partial to grabbing the throat with left hand and punching with the right, or punching, knocking the guy down and then quickly skeedaddling before the guy could get up and really fight,thus declaring myself winner.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: if sharpton comes knocking on my door, he might get a punch in the throat too. give him something to legitimately bitch about.

Ted: i like your strategy.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

I like the way you think. I taught my girls that the best way to win a fight is to not be in one. But if they are forced into it forget that shit on TV. Fight dirty, fight to win, and fight to drop the other guy quickly. That and don't punch with your thumbs tucked under you fingers like a girl.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Well hot damn! Whip ass girlfriend!

Guess you tore her up pretty fucking good!

Go Tequila!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Bruce: good dad advice. mine taught me the same way. he used to take me to the fire station with him, and had me spar with him and the other fireman.

Prepon: i've always got your back if anyone picks on you.

[Un]Censored said...

Yeah, I wouldn't have stopped with the throat, though...just to make sure she wasn't moving...jab to the throat, grab the weave and apply knee to face.

*nods*

moooooog35 said...

wait - no clothes were torn? Hair pulled? Pillows tossed?!

What kind of chick fight was this?!? Not the ones in my dreams, that's for sure.

Someday I'll write about my last fight...in Montreal...where I blacked out and woke up mid-sentence talking to an ambulance driver.

...good times...good times...

Baba Doodlius said...

Kick 'em in the nuts, I always say. Even if they technically lack nuts.

Just Sayin' said...

The real question is... Did anyone's top come off?

I mean it's not a true cat fight unless someone's top comes off.

**Bonus points if your bra strap gets snapped or comes off your shoulder and dangles suggestively...

Colonel Colonel said...

When you fight, fight to win. Good job.

But yeah- shoving somebody into traffic against a light can be contrued as assault. But then so can whapping them in the face with a Domino's pizza. Screw 'em all. You won. Good fight.

When's the CRAM(IT) podcast scheduled? Do I get "an idea suggested by-" credit?)

Malach the Merciless said...

Nice, next time use an elbow, much more effective

Sirdar said...

I guess if you are going to fight...fight to win. I've never heard of punching someone in the throat. That has got to hurt...let alone the thought that it could easily kill someone. But, I guess you didn't or your wouldn't be blog....you're not in jail...right?

Kitterman's Khaos said...

This is why I do not go to bowling alleys. They are dangerous ruckus places. Well, that, and I can not bowl to save my friggin life.
I am not a fighter either, but when pinned into a spot of defense I know of myself this... fight or flight? I will go for dead. I turn into some unrecognizable freak and defend as though I am fighting for life.
I know this how?
People have tested me on this, and I believe, regretted the subsequent outcome.

Hey, how come I have not yet linked to you on my blog? What the f*ck am I thinking anyhow? Geez I don't wanna get my ass kicked!!
seriously, how could I have over looked that?

much respect~d

jedimacfan said...

Do you have any stories about fighting with hot chicks that resulted in Jell-O wrestling?

whatagem said...

I got into a lot of fights when I was in high school. ...However it was always with guys. Girls fight dirty. We're nasty little creatures. :-D

Sara Sue said...

Atta girl! Punch to throat and if they come back, kick to the cunt.

Tex said...

Shit hot, where do you live? I wanna come over and watch you fight, it sounds much more realistic than Jerry Springer.

Thomas said...

You approached the situation with style and class. After being bushwhacked and bloodied, you came up and dished out a serious sneak attack.
The throat punch was the way to go. Not only did it save your hand, but it totally freaked the beotch that thought you were going to face punch her.

Good job grasshopper

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