Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Complaint Desensitization

Yesterday I had the misfortune of eating at Sbarro's. I guess there is a reason they are almost solely limited to shopping mall food courts. I was craving a calzone, and mistakenly thought that they could help me with my need. About two bites in, I could no longer deny that the chicken-broccoli calzone tasted like raccoon vomit wrapped in cardboard. Usually I don’t complain about food, especially if I can’t see where they make it (I certainly don’t want someone beating off onto my chicken fillet), but it was legitimately vile and the beauty of the Sbarro’s layout allows me to view the food preparation.
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At first I approach the swarthy, hairy, foreigner with polite dissatisfaction, letting him know it was cold and tasted poorly. He offers to re-heat it. That would be a valid offer if I had only said it was cold, but no, I said it tasted awful. I would think that the statement infers I want something else. I tell him this, and he starts going on about he’s been selling it all day, and no one complained. Maybe that’s because it was edible 4 hours ago when he made it, and so I demand something else. I am in business dress, and obviously not needing to beg for food like a street urchin. It’s not like it comes out of HIS paycheck. What kind of fucking customer service is this? I’m still debating on whether I should make an anonymous complaint to the manager, telling them that I’m 15, and this sonofabitch offered me free pizza outside by the dumpster if I would give him a BJ.

I think the reason people don’t take legitimate complaints seriously is because people bitch about ridiculous shit too much. Granted, I go off on
rants, but they are about valid concerns and solid issues that need to be bitched about. It’s the unnecessary shit that ruins it for the rest of us. For example I was at LawyerMan’s Spamville Thanksgiving, and one of his relatives bitched about getting their pumpkin smashed. WTF? I asked what time and where it happened. They said it was about 9 at night, the day after Halloween, and in the street…. What were they planning on doing with it? They were going to THROW IT OUT… Seems to me that those kids did you a public service. Hell, they are fortunate their lame-tarded blow up lawn ornaments didn’t get deflated. Even then, I’m not sure they should be able to complain; those herpe-like sores that scar the lawns of America are practically begging for some hooligan activity to be perpetrated upon them.

UPDATE: how little my readers seem to know me.... I've been getting comments insinuating I was ok with having a shitty calzone or that I might not have made a scene. Goddamn right I made a scene, and though the pizzia that I got instead wasn't much better, at least it didn't taste like raccoon vomit wrapped in cardboard.

31 comments:

Bob said...

One of the reasons I enjoyed working in a porno arcade was the customer complaints.

Sometimes it was very amusing to to go to the "Hall of 100 VCRs" and push pause on #54 when something like Pregnant Bitch Midget Piss Party was playing just to see who would come on and say "What the Fuck man, channel 54 is locked up, I want my dollar back."

Was he watching preggo-midgy-golden vids or did he find a cheap way to watch his regular tranny porn? Working in porno retail will teachyou a lot about people.

Christine said...

Ok..wait...you were surprised that Sbarros Calzone's suck? A REAL calzone does not contain veggies and chicken. It has CHEESE, lots of it..ricotta and mozzarella and MAYBE italian sausage or ham if you are so inclined. (I am usually not).

Great now not only am I hungry, I am homesick for NY.

[Un]Censored said...

Ah, the joys of customer service. Being on both the consumer and customer service end, I can't understand why he couldn't just replace it. It would be different if you were just being an ass but you had a valid reason.

It's not like you asked for mushrooms and then took it back to complain about mushrooms being in your food...

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Bob: that's one of the things i've always liked about you and has made us such good friends for so long: how much you like to fuck with people too!

Christine: now i know and will never make the same mistake.

Uncensored: they actually DID replace it with a piece of pizza of my choosing... hawaiian. it wasn't fantastic, but it was better than the racoon vomit calzone.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

That place sucks! I ate there once and that was enough for me.

Their pizzas are greasy as hell!

moooooog35 said...

I once ate at a Sbarro in some airport with my wife.

Whatever she got, happened to have a hair in it. Not, a little one...more like "Cher when she was on 'Sonny and Cher' hair."

Nasty.

My wife (and I) grossed out about the whole thing, tried to quietly complain and - now without appetites - ask for our money back.

That jackass gave us such a hard time in getting my money back (he offered me something else....reall? I just found Cousin It in my salad, and you want me to get something ELSE?!?) that we just started raising our voices about our "treasure find."

We got our money back.

I think Sbarro is Italian for "We suck hemmorhoids."

Landon said...

I still have that pizza out by the dumpster if you're interested. Beings it's cold and I'm a nice guy, I will heat it up on my Ford Pinto's defrosters. ;)

TED VELVET said...

Sbarro is greek for "shit on plate behind glass." when in food courts at the mall always hit the taco bell. everything is so ground up you'll never see and never know the horse ears and dog tails that went into it. I liked your deconstructing of the pumpkin crime scene. Just the facts maam, When did you last see the pumpkin in one piece? Did it appear happy to you? Still want my road blowjob.

Malach the Merciless said...

I don't eat anything from a restaurrant that begins with SB.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Prepon: agreed. i think i'd rather shit out broken glass and acid than go back to sbarros.

Moog: as much as i dislike finding other people's hair on my food, the hair might've added flavor or nutritional content to the Calzone Of Dissapointment.

Landon: hmm it IS cold today. like ten fucking degrees.

Ted: i needed to get the behind the story facts on the pumpkin smashing incident to figure out if there was a valid reason to complain; there was not.

Malach: i wouldn't exactly call sbarro's a resteraunt...

C.Rag said...

Wait a second...hairy...foreigner, I did give that guy a blowjob when I was 15 in exchange for a handle of beam.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I can't believe you didn't make a scene! Men with accents must intimidate you.

:P

him: "If you don't like the shitty calzone, how about a shitty piece of pizza?"

you: "yes, please"

:D

Tequila Mockingbird said...

c.rag: better for a handle of rum and or other alcohol than shitty pizza.

A Girl: see update.

Mike said...

The only place to get calzones is on the east coast. I haven't had a good one since I left New Jersey.

I agree with Malach though. You should never eat at a place that the name begins with SB because that is fucked up.

Hungry Mother said...

I made the mistake of stopping at the Sbarro's outside of Sturbridge Village. It wasn't just bad, it was fucking horrible. I didn't make a scene other than the look on my face, but I make it a point to talk about it whenever I get the chance. Like now.

SagaciousHillbilly said...

I have ceased letting moron get away with their buffoonery. When I get back or incompetent service of any kind I call them on it and demand satisfaction or some form of restitution.
There is so much fucking irresponsibility and plain old "I don't give a shit" today and I'm tired of it.
I know that the guy behind the pizza place counter probably makes 6.50 an hour and it isn't his fault, but if these business owners can't pay their employees enough to care about the business, then I say hold up the business and MAKE them act responsibly. Maybe if enough people quit acting like numb proles and begin demanding service and decent goods, things will change.

Tex said...

If the guy who made it gets $6.50 and hour, there is some explanation as to why it is crap, but shouldn't he be hunting tips? (lol, i realise fast food places don't usually get tips, but why not?)

I don't get tipping. I would have thought any business which requires employees should be required to pay their employees adequately for what they do. The expectation that tips (the customer) will subsidise the costs of the business owner seems backward logic to me, and even if it works in some businesses, the low minimum wage in America means fast food places don't have to pay much to employees, keeping costs low, ensuring the consumer gets a shitty product.

The expectation of a tip in slightly more upscale eateries also seems to be odd, and some waiters seem to get angry, and almost give you crap service because they have presupposed that you aren't going to tip, thereby ensuring you won't.

I am Australian, so they are often right (tipping is not expected here; we pay more to our employees, and tipping is only done if you really like what you get, - it is increasing in popularity, but not a compulsory custom).

Do I tip the pilot when he does his job flying me somewhere? Do I tip a bus driver? Do I tip a schoolteacher, a garbage collector, or a newspaper seller? Not usually, but for some reason I am expected to tip waiters and cabbies. If it's because they don't make enough money then there is some sort of fundamental problem with the wages system....isn't there? (and if this is the reason, then why not tip fast foodies, who would be on fuck all money?)

Maybe I'm just unable to get it, not being from somewhere where tipping is a custom. If so, I apologise for my apparent stupidity.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: i dunno if going to new jersey is actually worth a good calzone.

Hungry: feels good to know i am not alone in my seething hatred for sbarros.

Sag: that's super. good for you.

Tex: the tip i would give the douche at sbarros is to go back to community college and find a skill.

R.E.H. said...

Raccoon vomit wrapped in cardboard... hmmm... did you ever taste it? It's not as bad as you'd think ;)

Seriously though. Good going there to stand up for your right to have a decent meal. I work in public service myself, and I know what you mean about people complaining about petty stuff. Bad food, however, is a serious issue...

AngryMan said...

I agree w/Christine. You should have ordered a real calzone, PEPERONI, SAUSAGE, BACON, CANADIAN BACON, POLISH SAUSAGE, TURKEY DOGS, BACON BITS, BEEF, HAMBURGER, HOT DOGS, TACO MEAT, THE BACONATOR FROM WENDY'S, and mushrooms, to keep it healthy.

Sirdar said...

Love Calzones. Boston Pizza and the Cheesecake Cafe make them just right :-)

I've never heard of Sbarro before...but will try to keep it in my mind....Calzones taste like raccoon vomit...

jedimacfan said...

I love you. I just wanted to throw that out there.

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pissed off patricia said...

People who run food stations at food courts and such just don't care about customer service or quality. They just do their time and collect their check. If a customer is upset and threatens to never return, the workers don't care, it's no money out of their pocket.

Hell yes you should have raised hell, no matter the price it was your money you spent and you should get what you paid for. If the food tasted like shit, that isn't what you bargained for and you should be offered your money back.

I so agree with you about the blow up lawn ornaments. They are begging to meet a kid with a bb gun. I'm not a kid and they kinda call to me too. ;)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

R.E.H: that was actually a charitable description.

Angry: perhaps the sensation of my arteries clogging would've distracted me from the vile taste that waged war upon my mouth.

Jedi: goddamn right you love me.

Cresc: awesome shit- spam in spanish... i truly have arrived.

POPatty: i think those lawn ornaments call to everyone. it's almost instinctual.

Beach Bum said...

It ain't just shopping mall food courts that have questionable food and employees. I'm not sure how many might know of the hamburger chain called Hardees, it might be just a southern chain, but one of the local ones on the coast around Myrtle Beach got suddenly and quietly closed down a few years ago. It was reopened a few months later with an entirely new staff but no word why it was closed. That is until one of the new staff let the cat out of the bag about added ingredients some of the fired late night fry cooks were putting on the hamburgers as they cooked but I'll just say raccoon vomit would not be as bad as what those guys were doing to the burgers. Once that word got out the place closed again and was not reopened.

BBC said...

Interesting blog. I don't eat out much, only at places I know well and like. I prefer to do most of my own cooking.

And do most of my drinking at home.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Whoa, whoa. I TOTALLY understand you making a scene over substandard food.

I get that, big time.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

I've lost my appetite.

the real Lawyerman said...

Come on, "I don’t complain about food", Whiskey Tango Fox-trot and 1/2! Fire your "ghost writer", or be honest with your faithful readers.

Iron Pugilist said...

Ooooh, fussy customer! Perhaps go to another restaurant that serves Calzone? There's no point going back to the same establishment knowing that they'll remember you, unless you like some extra secret sauce on your next meal.

Ah, vengeance... Food and Beverage style.