Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Frostitutes

We had our first snowfall this week, very light, didn’t even accumulate. It marks the passage into winter, and also brings out the heartiness in us all, even prostitutes. Keeping in mind I do not have much respect for hookers (does anyone really?), I must give what little of respect I do have to the Frostitutes.

Frostitutes are the most hardcore of those that sell their body for money/drugs, and will go out in inclement weather, sometimes 20 degrees below zero. That is some serious work ethic. Hell, I don’t know why they don’t put it to a use that wouldn’t involve them getting ass beatings, STD’s, and drug addictions; like selling vacuums (although, I do feel the urge to beat down traveling salesmen). Who better to sell a vacuum that someone who REALLY knows about suction power? If they can walk their track marked asses down the street, peddling flesh, to random people, why would they be unable to knock on doors to wrangle strangers into pyramid schemes; they can be really convincing, whether it’s to deceive you into thinking those bumps are just from crotch shaving or that putting it in their butt is special.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


The people who really benefit from Frostitutes are the johns. Sometimes these whores are so cold, they’ll fuck you at a discount rate just to keep warm. I like to think of it as fire sale poon, where they are trying to sell all the goods (I use that word loosely) quick as possible, at a discounted rate.

So next time you see a workin’ girl out there, tip your hat or give her some loose change to buy some meth, to warm her hands and heart with. It’s a filthy job (that sometimes ends with a fat man named Earl crapping on your chest) but someone has to do it.

25 comments:

Landon said...

What can I say, I just like to go by Earl to keep my hoes from knowing my true identity and telling people "Earl dropped a tapeworm on my chest!"

moooooog35 said...

Nothing says lovin' like warm Earl scat.

Happy Holidays!

Hungry Mother said...

What's that that they chant in the army about "Eskimo pussy?" Brrr.

Beach Bum said...

The middle one in your picture looks hot. I'd buy a vacuum job from her.

TED VELVET said...

Bitch better have my electrolux

Bruce, a work in progress said...

It's a more honest and respectable profession than a lot of others out there.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Landon: you never give a prosty the right name!

Moog: it is touching, deeply, like an anal probe.

Hungry: never heard that one, but it sounds catchy.

beach: too bad most real life prostys in the US arent that hot (those are foreign whores)

Ted: sounds like it's time for a pimp slap.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

oops left you out bruce (i have a hangover): true, there are much more dishonest professions. like used car salesmans.

Elise said...

I have to disagree... I think the middle one looks a bit like a transexual

Mike said...

Imagine what a horrible world it would be if there were no hookers. I, for one, would be terribly disappointed.

I'd pay money for the two dark haired hookers, but that last thing looks messed up.

Hungry Mother said...

"I don't know, but I've been told,
Eskimo pussy is mighty cold.
Sound off, one two, ... "

- marching chant

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

Ah, frostitutes, they bring back memories of Washington, D.C.

Years ago Chip lived in D.C. During one of my visits it snowed like a banshee, (whatever that means.) Chip wanted to show me the epicenter of streetwalker central, and it was so freakin' cold by D.C. standards we saw one lone frostitute early in the evening, and later that night there were none. I was disappointed, as I had bought into the hype.

Fortunately the weather was much more pleasant during a future visit and while there were no frostitutes to be found, it was a Fredericks of Hollywood fashion show in a two-block radius. Chip made several passes through the area, and still laughs at how freaked out I was when two of the street walkers came up to my window while we were at a stoplight, knocked on the window and asked if I "wanted to party."

You just don't get that kind of high quality entertainment in Minneapolis.

Malach the Merciless said...

So do all the Hooker is your part of the country have HIV too?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Elise: it's a very strong possibility that could be true.

Mike: it's too bad most real-life hookers dont all look like Julia Roberts, although her smile was too gummy.

Hungry: i was hoping you would be coming back to tell us what the chant was.

Fonz: true... we do need better quality hookers here. although, i saw a prosty drinking out of a garden hose this summer. that was pretty entertaining.

Malach: have you been huffing paint thinner? your comment is a little dicked up...

C.Rag said...

I have respect for hookers. It's the oldest female profession.

Phoebe Fay said...

We're all frostitutes in one way or another. Here's to keeping the goods warm and toasty.

Tex said...

Here's to keeping your teeth, I reckon that's a sentiment worth bottling, because nothing says "punch me in the face, shit on me and leave my skinny ass dead in an alley" than no teeth.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

c.rag: true. id rather be a prostitute than a pastor.

pheobe: ahahhahaha you get today's M.F.G.S. (mother fucking gold star) award!

Tex: yea, having teeth is pretty nice... but if youre a prosty and toothless, i imagine you can give a mean gum job!

AngryMan said...

Whenever it gets cold I make sure to bring over all the hookers tomake sure that they are OK. I'm just a swell guy like that.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

angry: are you sure youre not a SWELLING guy? you know, from all of the VD you get from hosting prostitutes?

Just Sayin' said...

I heard that you can tell the true age of a prostitute by counting the track marks on her arms... It's kinda like counting the rings in a tree trunk...

But skankier...

C.Rag said...

Isn't a pastor like a whore...for Jesus?

Sara Sue said...

"I like to think of it as fire sale poon"

Brilliant!

Come out west ... mainly Nevada, not all hookers are how you describe. When it's legal things start looking a lot classier ... and less desperate.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Frostitutes... fucking hilarious!

Never thought about calling them that.

Wonder if they have nippy nipples?

Sirdar said...

Why is it some real good looking girls end up as prostitues/frostitutes? Such a shame.