Thursday, November 8, 2007

November's Douchebag of the Month

It has been brought to my attention that I have been remiss in giving out the Douchebag Of the Month Award for November. Thank you loyal reader, and I will be sure to remedy this. Although there were many worthy candidates, Landon (my partner in crime and drinking buddy) wrote a post yesterday, that makes me feel like an entire County of douchebags deserves this illustrious award.
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The big winner is Collier County, of course it is in Fla, the freakshow state. Apparently, there was
a bulletin sent out by the sheriffs there about Jenkem, and inhalant that gives euphoric high. I fully support people getting higher than a goddamn kite, but it’s the way they are doing it. Jenkem is called “butthash” because it is made from fermenting urine and fecies… that is the active ingredient. If the spectrum of drugs that are already out there are not enough for you, I think it is time to consider tapping out and either wrapping your toe around the trigger of a shotgun while listening to Alice in Chains, or go to rehab.

What is most vile about this drug, is the taste of sewage remains in your mouth for days. How desperate to get high do people need to be to want the taste of ass in their mouth for a week? I’ve smelled people’s breath before that I thought had been sucking on a bag of smashed assholes. I can honestly say that I would not want to make out with someone who smelled like raw sewage, and most people would probably agree, so I’m thinking smoking “fruit from the crack pipe” would seriously inhibit a dating life.

The people who most deserve the Douchebag of the Month award is the officials who released this bulletin, because now it gave the idea to all of the rednecks living in squalor (and that makes up the bulk of Collier County, as I know for a fact, from having the misfortune to drive through that town once or twice when I lived in Florida). As much as it hurts my mind's eye to picture this, I know that every toothless, bumbling idiot is now shitting in a bucket, waiting for the magical moment when their crap turns into something that can get them high. Congratulations Collier County, you have earned it!

25 comments:

C.Rag said...

Mmmm sewage.
I know where I'm moving to.

Adam said...

HAHAHAHA!!!!
That is the most entertaining post I have read this year!
I will be walking around for the next few days in a perpetual state made up of giggles and gagging from that!
Well done, gives a whole new twist on the "This is good shit" phrase doesn't it!

Bob said...

We should all get together to huff some butthash and do anal keg stands.

TED VELVET said...

now what are you going to do if a bigger douche comes out and does something like smokes used hospital tampons to get high. It's still too early in the month for such an award.

Arthur Fonzarelli said...

After reading this, I have lost my appetite for lunch, which ironically will diminish my production of butthash. Of course I drank enough rum and diet soda/pop last night that today I'm drinking water by the gallon, so if there was a butthash crisis today, I could contribute something to the mix.

I couldn't possibly look at a burrito today after reading this.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

c.rag: yeah, it sounds pretty delicious.

Adam: thanks. i never thought of the phrase "this is good shit" as being literal.

Bob: seems like a grand idea.

Ted: sounds like you have some ideas for Decembers awards. that's the thing with a monthly award, with each new month, a new douchebag can be crowned a winner.

Fonz: don't blame your ill feelings from a hangover on my post. although, i think my post probably doesn't help.

Mike said...

What I really want to know, is who is the asshole (pun intended) that dreamed this up? I mean seriously, how much experimentation needed to be done to determine that you could get high from snorting fermented poo fumes.

There are so many other great ways to get high that don't involve shitting in a bucket, so why bother?

moooooog35 said...

Wow. FINALLY someone has taken two great pasttimes (defecation and getting wasted) and combined them into one!

It's like the people who invented Reese's...except instead of chocolate and peanut butter, it's pee and poo.

..and instead of zits, you get hallucinations.

Who does NOT see a win-win here?

Tex said...

Ah, the wonderful ways we humans find to "enjoy" ourselves. It sounds fucking lovely.

Here in Australia, we have a thing called a cane toad. It was introduced about a hundred years ago to control the cane beetle, a pest of sugar cane. It didn't control the beetle at all, but it became a big pest itself, breeding like rabbits (or even worse), and killing native wildlife (many native snakes, lizards and carnivores eat frogs in their diet, so they eat the toads too, which unfortunately are poisonous and kill the eater).

Where is he heading with this? (i hear you ask - more likely, what the fuck is he on about?).
The cane toad lives in the tropics, ie; northern Australia, and there's a few wierdos up there, some of whom decided to get the cane toad poison (it's in glands in the skin), and cook it up to use as a drug to be smoked. It's seriously bad shit, but apparently a hallucinogen, so there's people in Australia who smoke toads!! (not as bad as shit though).

Isn't life fucked up enough already without making it fuckeder?

Malach the Merciless said...

Aww, I wanted to win Doucebag of the month

Baba Doodlius said...

Fermented shit, eh?

I'm much more efficient than that. I skip the fermentation step altogether. All I have to do is cut a decent fart and it makes my wife woozy, rather like she had been smoking something interesting. She doesn't seem to enjoy it much, though.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: this is what you get with rednecks with too much time on their hands. i blame the bush administration, with it's awful unemployment rate.

Moog: perhaps you should try out "jenkem" and let us know youre findings.

Tex: honestly, i would rather smoke a toad any day, if it was between that and fecies.

Malach: there is always december. DO SOMETHING WORTHY OF THIS AWARD!

Baba: your wife does not sound euphoric like the users of jenkem supposedly do...

here today, gone tomorrow said...

This is why, when I become Empress of the Universe, people who have the time to think this crap up (no pun intended) and people who have time to actually act on it will IMMEDIATELY be shipped off for a year's hard labor in a hot third world country's rice paddies. That'll give those jerks some perspective REAL FAST.

Hungry Mother said...

Those idiots of Collier County screwed it up again. The stuff doesn't work for everyone. I was soooo disappointed. I was trying to tune up for the last debate.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Any blog with a Douche Bag of the Month award can't be all bad.

Tequila, huh? I like it, but I'm more of a bourbon fan, myself.

Just Sayin' said...

So you're telling me I can literally sell my shit!

Holy fuck! Do you have any idea what the street value of my septic tank is?

I have a new goal in life! To become the fucking Pablo Escobar of butthash!

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Wonder if you can charge more for corn and peanut poop?

Phoebe Fay said...

Once again, the universe is ruining my bliss. Oh ignorance, how I miss you! Please let me return to a simpler, gentler time when such practices never even flickered at the edge of my imagination.

Beach Bum said...

Well, just when you think humanity can't sink any lower they go and surprise you again. I second what Mike wrote, what scumbag sat around and dreamed this one up.

Sirdar said...

That is just bad. Real bad. It is amazing what someone will do to get high...

AngryMan said...

C.Rag must have been a close second.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

Oh. My. God.

You know, I've always wondered, how hungry must that first MF to eat a crab have been to actually eat the fuckin' thing. This. This just goes so far beyond that I can't speak. Below it actually.

Landon said...

It originated in Africa, where it must be considered a delicacy. Afterall, how often does a starving African poop anyways?! Let alone have enough to ferment! LOL

James D. Compton said...

I like your style.

Tink said...

I can't believe this shit is true!!

Pun intended. ;)