So today at the market across the street from work, while sipping lattes, two of my coworkers and I discussed funeral preferences. It seems morbid, but it really was all in good fun. Sarah is 24, and Calvin Crustitron and I are both 23, so it’s not like we are on our deathbeds. It started when Calvin Crustitron looked at me and asked in a somber tone: “when I die, will you stand up and in between wracking sobs, moan ‘I SHOULD’VE BOUGHT HIM A HOOOOOOOOOKER!!!!’ at my funeral?” At first I was confused as to if he was trying to hint around that he wanted me to buy him a hooker while he was alive. He said he didn’t, he just wanted to cause a scene. I’m all about causing scenes, and after all what are friends for? We are tight like Redd Foxx and Ripple, so now I’m seriously hoping to outlive Calvin Crustitron.
First we established we could only do these things if we died young and in a spectacular way. Hey, it’s not just for rockstars these days! Sarah thinks she wants to have some random people in bagpipes (hey, here is your chance Angry Piper!!!) playing Slayer or some other death metal. That would definitely be memorable and sure beats the hell out of “Amazing Grace.
I like the idea of having music at my funeral, but I want to add a twist, by having the usual sad organ music, but then in the middle of the not so festive festivities, I want to have a super happy clown come in. He can offer to make balloon hats (of course, he would ONLY have black balloons, because it IS a funeral, after all) and then when people sob, he can shoot them in the eyes with water from his flower and tell them to “dry your eyes, silly mourner!” I think it will go over well.
Landon wants to be shot out of a cannon into his funeral plot, and after further discussion with Calvin Crustitron over instant messenger, he decided he wants to have a voice recorder of his voice inside his casket that screams “LET ME OUT YOU SONS OF BITCHES, I’M NOT FUCKING DEAD YET!” Honestly, I want to have a traditional irish wake, held at a pub, with everyone getting shitfaced, telling their favorite stories of me. That seems to be the healthiest way to grieve, to remember the good times, instead of focusing on the fact that this person is gone. Dying is a part of life, and when we make it too serious of an ordeal is when we become hung up on it and are unable to move on.