Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Put the "FUN" back into "FUNERAL"!

So today at the market across the street from work, while sipping lattes, two of my coworkers and I discussed funeral preferences. It seems morbid, but it really was all in good fun. Sarah is 24, and Calvin Crustitron and I are both 23, so it’s not like we are on our deathbeds. It started when Calvin Crustitron looked at me and asked in a somber tone: “when I die, will you stand up and in between wracking sobs, moan ‘I SHOULD’VE BOUGHT HIM A HOOOOOOOOOKER!!!!’ at my funeral?” At first I was confused as to if he was trying to hint around that he wanted me to buy him a hooker while he was alive. He said he didn’t, he just wanted to cause a scene. I’m all about causing scenes, and after all what are friends for? We are tight like Redd Foxx and Ripple, so now I’m seriously hoping to outlive Calvin Crustitron.

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First we established we could only do these things if we died young and in a spectacular way. Hey, it’s not just for rockstars these days! Sarah thinks she wants to have some random people in bagpipes (hey, here is your chance
Angry Piper!!!) playing Slayer or some other death metal. That would definitely be memorable and sure beats the hell out of “Amazing Grace.

I like the idea of having music at my funeral, but I want to add a twist, by having the usual sad organ music, but then in the middle of the not so festive festivities, I want to have a super happy clown come in. He can offer to make balloon hats (of course, he would ONLY have black balloons, because it IS a funeral, after all) and then when people sob, he can shoot them in the eyes with water from his flower and tell them to “dry your eyes, silly mourner!” I think it will go over well.

Landon wants to be shot out of a cannon into his funeral plot, and after further discussion with Calvin Crustitron over instant messenger, he decided he wants to have a voice recorder of his voice inside his casket that screams “LET ME OUT YOU SONS OF BITCHES, I’M NOT FUCKING DEAD YET!” Honestly, I want to have a traditional irish wake, held at a pub, with everyone getting shitfaced, telling their favorite stories of me. That seems to be the healthiest way to grieve, to remember the good times, instead of focusing on the fact that this person is gone. Dying is a part of life, and when we make it too serious of an ordeal is when we become hung up on it and are unable to move on.


Thomas said...

When my father passed this summer, the first thing I did was break out his stash of Jack Daniels, liquor myself up, and ride his electric wheelchair/cart through the yard like a maniac.

The old man would have been proud. That is how you celebrate death.


Anonymous said...

My hubby says he wants to be cremated and put into a douche bag so he can be in me one more time.


Tequila Mockingbird said...

Thomas: wow, that's awesome. unforunately none of my relatives have electric wheelchairs. *sighs*

Prepon: even then, he would still probably manage to knock you up for a 7th time.

AngryMan said...

I want a parade of strippers at my funeral. That ought to make everyone forget how sad they are at losing someone as awesome as me!

Mike said...

I have made my arrangements with my wife (she will outlive me because evil never dies) and I only hope I can trust her to carry them out. I want to be cremated as soon as legally possible after my death and I don't want any funeral or memorial service. I want half of may ashes put in Lake Huron and the other half tossed in the ocean from Key West.

Knowing my wife though, she will probably just burn me in the burn pile in the back yard and let the coyotes carry away my bones.

moooooog35 said...

I want to be preserved and kept in my living room like people do with their pets (think, Rusty from "Scrubs"...or "Weekend at Bernie's").

People could pose me, dress me up, put makeup on me, take pictures...basically have a blast.

..actually...that's not too different from what they do to me now.

I really have to stop taking tranquilizers.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha. I love it. Death is fucking hilarious. I mean, as you say, it is part of the whole living thing, so you might as well have fun with it. I told my wife I just wanna be buried in the vege garden, so the worms can eat me.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeh, I just remembered this other fucking classic. I had to fly these people in a small plane (cessna 402) about ten years ago, so they could spread these ashes of some dead guy, but they had a priest with them who recited "ashes to ashes, dust to dust" or whatever they say, and it was like, real noisy so no one could hear it anyway, but the guy chucking the ashes out couldn't get all of it out, so a little blew back in and swirled around the cabin.
When we landed, the fat widow was trying to get out of the plane and I was doing some paperwork in the office and the ashes thrower came in and said, "I've gotta get back to the motel to wash that man right oughta my hair".

R.E.H. said...

LOL! At the voice recorder part. That was so hilarious - I can not top that. I thought about writing something funny, about how my funeral would be, but I cannot top that one... so I'll just hand the trophy over to you - you win!

Malach the Merciless said...

So when do I get to kill the three of you and experiment?

jedimacfan said...

I want a rubber mold of your boobs wrapped around my face before they close my casket.

C.Rag said...

I just want to fuck the body. Oh did I just type that out loud.

Fuck Me!

TED VELVET said...

blogger's been eating my tremendously witty and wonderful comments all day. I'll see if this one takes.

TED VELVET said...

the previous post worked, so here's my best funeral story. My wife's uncle had a heart attack and died, he owned a sixty ft. schooner in provincetown cape cod(no he wasn't gay) and sailing was his life. after his funeral, where he had his haitian friends choral group sing these beautiful religious acapella, sea shanties, he was cremated. his brother took the urn and placed it in a small boat that we towed out into the waters off cape cod. we doused the small boat in gasoline, fired a flaming arrow into it and sailed around it on his schooner drinking and partying while the flaming boat with his ashes sank, the coast guard showed up and were pissed off but by the time they arrived..glug, glug, glug..the boat had sunk. we called it the irish-pirate-viking funeral.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Holy crap. You referenced Ripple.

Great work. BTW, I made a reference to Ripple on a post a while back. I feared nobody would get the joke.

I feel a kinship with you, Tequila.

Sara Sue said...

OMG ... Ted that is a spectacular way to send a friend off!

I don't want any kind of service, donate my carcass to the local med school and have a party.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

TM, I'm 100% with you on the wake. I've already told my family, burn me, throw me a party, play Irish music and get shit-faced. Except for the burn me part it's one of my favorite things to do.

My wife has to keep the ashes though until she goes, then I go with her where ever that may be. If she gets married again I have to be kept on the new husband's nightstand. Just a little reminder.

Hungry Mother said...

I'd like people to think, "He really knew how to live." I would hope for no tears, but lots of laughter when recounting some of the stories about me. I want my ashes spread in salt water near one of my favorite beaches.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I have no desire to die or consider death.

I just wish looked like the girl with the casket.

SagaciousHillbilly said...

Hey, where'd my message go?
Did you delete me TMo? Surely not.

Well anyway, I said that when you've lived as long as I have, your friends will really have interesting stories to tell about you and not just simple drunken escapades.

slightlyannoyedman, No one will notice when you die.

PP, Are you gonna do it?

Colonel Colonel said...

Folk singer Lee Hays once wrote-

If I should die before I wake,
All my bone and sinew take,
Put me in the compost pile,
To decompose me for a while.

Worms, water, sun, will have their way,
Returning me to common clay.
All that I am will feed the trees,
And little fishies in the seas.

When radishes and corn you munch,
You may be having me for lunch.
And then excrete me with a grin,
Chortling, "There goes Lee again."

Simply Curious said...

We had a memorial not long ago for my father, who was very Irish and very much a very heavy drinker.. His wish was to have a memorial with everyone singing and dancing in a very public place and then we scattered his ashes very illegally in the same place. Honestly, I think a few people ended up sleeping there all night. We left the cooler when we left, nice and stocked. His wife suggested we give a piece of him to everyone by giving a little bit of his ashes out in tiny little pot baggies. Seemed a little over the top and I couldn't imagine letting that happen.

Phoebe Fay said...

Once upon a time, I wanted to be cremated and my ashes made into a gargoyle. I figure being a gargoyle gave me the best chance for haunting.

Now I'm old, and I don't care. Burn me up and send me on my way. Makes no difference to me.

Although, if anybody wanted to do it up big, Ted Velvet's story sure would be good.

Sirdar said...

I like the Irish wake idea. I just hope they allow Canadians to do Irish wakes because...well...I'm not Irish. But I don't really want to try it out....just yet. I still have a few years left.