Monday, November 12, 2007

Like Lord of The Flies, At a Nursing Home

Usually I don’t like telling a 2nd hand story, but in this case, I will make a special exception because of how legitimately awesome it is. Lawyerman went to a party on Friday night for the birthday of a new acquaintance, and even though he only stayed for roughly 20 minutes, it was action packed.


It was held in the basement of this acquaintance, McCreepy, and at first when he told me there were strippers there and described them as two D’s, two C’s and a B, I was excited because I thought he meant cupsize, but he corrected that assumption by telling me that’s how he rated them quality-wise. Despite it being a small basement, there was a shower curtained partition for handy-j’s, which I am told could be heard, despite the playing of Earth Wind and Fire.

More disturbingly, was that the old, fat men (at 38 years old, Lawyerman was the youngest there) were wearing the strippers clothing, guts hanging prominently out. Usually, where there it’s a birthday party for the host, there is an assistant host, to make sure that nothing gets broken, stolen etc… there was none of that, but instead this group of misanthropes lurking about, placid like toadstools from Alice and Wonderland, tripping on their own decrepitude.
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As for the strippers, the one decent looking one, the B, got all freaked out by this and oh so much more and refused to get naked. She said something about her mom calling and needing to take care of her kids. I think she was concerned they would rape her or steal her clothes, and possibly wear her skin. One of the C’s, who sounded like Stevie Nicks gargling a rhino, was arguing with the other C about who had to get behind the curtain next to assist with lap dances. Despite being one carton away from a trach pipe, she was smoking two cigarettes at a time, with a third one being inhaled from her back tattoo.

Despite pictures of women on the walls (au natural, circa 1975), there was a lot of homosexual references being made, and the other 3 obviously straight guys were uncomfortable as well. There wasn’t a keg (“sipping beer from a glass is not something men with penises do” –Lawyerman). The fighting strippers were clomping around like Clydesdales, in their ridiculous platform heels like Halloween leftovers who had dressed up as Elvira. When they started to all argue over who gets to wear the red Chinese dress, and one exceptionally fat man draped it over his shoulders like a cape, making himself look like Superman’s great grandpa, flying faster than the speed of liquid farts, Lawyerman decided to make his exit.
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The Nordic hatchet display, which is somewhat normal for Minnesota, was creepy in this situation, especially because they seemed to have been handmade, also hastened his decision to leave.

22 comments:

Bob said...

This is amazing, Why don't I get invited to Shindigs like this? It's settled, I am going to Law School.

TED VELVET said...

My next party is gonna be called, "The minnesota, cross dressing, shower curtain, hand job, battle axe O' Rama!" Now all I have to do is find some chain smoking skells to give handjobs. Note to self: call Condi Rice.

moooooog35 said...

Nothing says "party" like fat old homo-erotic men wearing Chinese dresses in a room with hatchets.

Did any of the guys start reciting, "She puts the lotion on her skin....?"

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Bob: actually, it wasn't a product of him being a lawyer. although, they usually are some kinky bastards.

Ted: she would come wearing roller skates and a strap on. be sure to take plenty of pics!

Moog: yeah, it sounds legitimately bizarre, and not in a good way. i can only imagine what happened after lawyerman left, and more cherry bombs were had.

LawyerMan said...

Just as strange as I remember, nice job TM. The clip art is too close to the mark for comfort.
Now, in flight of this memory and others, I am pleased to return to work.

C.Rag said...

HOT!

Hungry Mother said...

As a geezer who's been known to dress in drag, I'm was a little offended by some of the innuendo, but I'll get over it as I always do. I should point out that naked women, circa 1975 were pretty hot.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

LM: i should thank you for the wonderful story. i think you should hang out with him more often. it has the propensity for more fanfuckingtastic posts.

C.rag: undeniably so.

Hungry: yes 1970's women WERE hot, but they had bad personal landscaping. i used to see it all the time at the gym, these women with disgusting bushes. VOMITgbiaofaidguadoghia

Mike said...

Man, I miss the good old days. I hope I start feeling better soon so I can get back to the very rancid debauchitute you just described.

Gulf Coast Mommy said...

Ok so I just took some time and caught up on about 4 of your posts. You are a fucking riot!!
Oh, and about that shit concoction that freaks are sucking in FLA to get high... If anyone reading this had the slightest thought that perhaps it was all made up for humors sake by Tequila, I am hear to tell you (I live in FLA) it was on the news!! Thats right, they put out a warning to folks letting them know that assmush sucking to get high was a dangerous and out of control epidemic in FLA's back woods areas. When I saw the news bit I looked on, dumbfounded, wondering..."what in the...."
then of course, after I got past that, I was laughing hysterically calling my man into the room to tell him what he had just missed. Christ I think it was the funniest damned thing I had seen on the news since the coverage of the hilljack that bought a BBQ smoker and found an amputated leg inside. If you missed that footage, you missed out big. I was rolling on the ground crying watching. and I quote, "I was going to call the police or return the leg, but then I thought, people would pay to see this, so I am charging all my neighbors a fee to see the leg in the smoker. You know it has 5 toes and everything! I have bought shrunken heads before and stuff like that,but never a leg."
The guy was pure genius.
Anyhow Tequila I love reading your writings. I have finally linked you to my page...again, I have no idea what took me so long!!
much respect~d

SagaciousHillbilly said...

Man, they have all the classy stuff up north. Down on the creek we'd have never been able to find any strippers with the bread to buy platform heels.
I just reckon we'll jest have to settle fer Gloria Mae in her barn boots. . . she kin sher dance up inna hayloft.

Oh, an my drag dressin dress aint near a purty as that thar fellers.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Mike: yeah, once youre better, you are welcome to put on your best dress, and whore-heels and come party up here.

Gulf Coast: thanks! i'm glad you're enjoying it. i lived in fla until i was 21, and it is fucking insane. i miss the good ol fashioned nepotism, but some of the bat shit crazy things they do (like getting high from fecies) is something i do not yearn for.

Sag: i didn't go to this party. although hayloft dancing IS a skill.

Malach the Merciless said...

You have weird friends and acquaintences

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Hey,If anyone has the number to the fellow in the last photo I'd like to have it!

He wears that dress too damn well!

Beach Bum said...

Did Lawyerman see any pictures of Larry Craig around. Sounds like a group he would hang with.

Sara Sue said...

Could you possibly get LM a camera phone for xmas this year?? Please, ohhhhh please??

AngryMan said...

I think I'm going to go vomit now.

Tim said...

That really is one of the fuckin weirdest stories I've ever heard. How do you run into all this weirdness???

Colonel Colonel said...

When the strippers think the party is too gross, it's time to leave.

Sirdar said...

You sure know how to find all the fun parties LOL

Hope that wasn't a picture of Lawyerman....

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Malach: it was actually his new neighbor. so neither MY friend nor MY aquaintence.

Prepon: he does pull off that lacy dress with class, doesnt he?

beach: no he didnt. i think larry craig is more on the down low than going to parties. i guess it doesnt really matter NOW, does it...

Sara: i'm working on it.

Angry: dont lie, you KNOW you were turned on!

Tim: the weirdness runs into me.

Colonel: agreed.

Sirdar: no, LM looks nothing like that.

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