Thursday, November 1, 2007

Does Candy Even Have an Expiration Date?

You never really know how much shit you have until you are forced to move it. Then, you are given a religious-like experience where you find out what is actually important to you… important enough to wrap in bubble wrap, pack into a box, struggle with tape and then load into a truck, only to be forced to unload it and eventually unpack it. You ask yourself questions like “Do I REALLY need a Dolly Parton snow-globe? Hmmm, her top DOES come off…”

Yesterday I took the day off work to help LawyerMan finish moving into his new house, and it wasn’t so much an act of goodwill, as the fact that a good percentage of the crap needing to be moved was mine and I did not want it left behind for the squatters. The beginning stages of moving are always calm, well organized, and somewhat lackadaisical. The end is not; you’re just throwing random shit in a box (why wouldn’t a bathroom plunger, batteries, and coasters belong together?) so at the end, you’re left with your trashcans stacked inside each other, like Russian dolls, with the smallest of the three containing beanie babies and oven mitts.
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Rather than move the contents of the liquor cabinet (hey, why add the extra stress?), I decided to take it upon myself to finish them off. I started off with alcohol that made sense to mix, like peach shnapps and banana rum. Towards the end, I was rethinking my decision, but made the best of the dregs of a bottle of kahlua and goldshlagger. This did make the moving experience more bearable. However, as the trick-or-treaters started to arrive last night, and I ran out of candy (Easter candy, if you were curious… kids are totally suspicious when you give them chocolate rabbits and marshmallow eggs for Halloween), I decided to start getting rid of some of the shit that Lawyerman and I didn’t need. Those ungrateful bastards… can you believe they weren’t interested in warped Tupperware and excess packaging tape? Hell, it's better than candy corn. They are lucky I didn't vomit in their bags of smarminess.

41 comments:

Bob said...

I really do need a Dolly Parton snow globe. Especially if the top comes off.
And I think trick or treaters are too spoiled. At this point it's not even trick or treating, it is just treating. We need to throw more tricks into the mix, like those laxatives that look like chocolate bars and chiclets.

moooooog35 said...

Was it a Dolly Parton statue with two INTEGRATED snow globes? THAT would be cool.

So, are you the bitch who gave my kids pencils? PENCILS?!

She looks at us and says, "Better than candy." Yeah. Way better. Now instead of going to the dentist, I have to send my kid to the emergency room because the other one shoved a sharpened Halloween pencil in his throat.

Next time lady, stick to the goddamn Snickers.

C.Rag said...

We didn't get any trick-or-treaters. We live in the "ghetto" so the kids all go to the rich section of town. We instead decided to rob the ghetto people's drugs & tv since they orginally took the tv from the rich people. The pot was just a bonus.

That's what happens when everyone leave to trick-or-treat in the rich section.
You get robbed by two white people living in the ghetto.

Bruce, a work in progress said...

We had more kids than we could keep up with last night. It was crazy. Only problem was they started at like 5:00. What is the point of going out in the daylight? My kids and their friends were still out at (gasp!) 6:45 and a Halloween nazi a street or two over told them trick-or-treating ended at 6:30. Fuck you! It's over when you can't walk any more or you can't drag the bag of candy any further. And if you don't want the kids knocking use the damn universal code for "I'm a no-fun, tight-ass", turn off your friggin' light.
As for moving, well, if you ever need your POD packed (take that however you like) I'm your man. I could win a friggin' Tetris contest stuffing one of those things.

Colonel Colonel said...

Why didn't you give the little fuckers shots of vodka? After a few of those they'd have found the used packing tape a whole lot more interesting.

Phoebe Fay said...

I think drinking the liquor cabinet was a fine idea. Or you could've given shots to the trick-or-treaters. You know what they say about candy being dandy, but likker being quicker.

Mike said...

When I moved my stuff back to Michigan from Utah, I just crammed shit in boxes. When we got back here and my wife saw what I had done, she was appalled. Who says there has to be order when moving? I have not seen that law anywhere.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Bob: yeah, i never said i decided not to keep it. she does have a ginormous rack. i think we could hide a can of spaghetti-o's underneath each booob. and yeah, we do need to employ more tricking. i was thinking wrapping up dog shit in candy wrappers and giving it to them.

Moog: it wasnt THAT cool. pencils are almost as crappy as the dentist on our street that gave out fucking toothbrushes... ooooh real fun, asshole!

C.rag: feel free to come smoke me out anytime. bring the new TV too and we can watch porn.

Bruce: i will keep you in mind next time i need assistance of any kind.

Colonel: because i am greedy. that is MY vodka!

Pheobe: see the answer i gave Colonel.

Mike: there is not law agaisnt it. if we packed shit orderly then we would not have the fun of the scavenger hunt to find where we put our stuff later.

Just Sayin' said...

I think I'd rather eat burnt rubber bits and shredded elastic pieces from the waistband of my jockstrap than candy corn!

Preposterous Ponderings said...

Are you sure those are Russian dolls and not butt plugs?

You should have given one lucky kid the Dolly Parton snow globe.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

Just Sayin: agreed. candy corn isnt candy, it isnt corn, but it tastes like chalky shit. i would rather eat fucking tums than candy corn.

Prepon: they can be both with the addition of lube. and yeah, you are correct, that dolly parton snowglobe would've been the gift that kept on giving.

Cash said...

I hate candy. You Hu-Mans have made chocolates poisonous. I make your ground beef, toys, spinach, & so much more poisonous.

LONG LIVE THE REVOLUTION!

Jay Cam said...

hah!
"have some vomit!"

man i gotta do that next year and save myself a couple bucks!

why dont kids take chocolate eggs for halloween? candy's candy!

Malach the Merciless said...

Working above a large food pantry, candy does go bad

Sara Sue said...

I love the visual of you barfing into a kid's bag. It'll keep me smiling for days. Thank you.

Sirdar said...

A Dolly Parton Snow Globe? You said that on your blog without a picture?

Moving is such a moving experience. Our last move made me realize how much crap we have. We moved from a 1250sqft house with a basement to a 1615 sqft house without a basement. On an acreage, but still.

We only had the neighbours kids come over last night. First Halloweeners in 3 years.

here today, gone tomorrow said...

"They are lucky I didn't vomit in their bags of smarminess." Oh, tequila, how do I love thee and thy writing.

AngryMan said...

Ungrateful ingrates.

Beach Bum said...

I usually walk my daughter during Halloween but once I get back I take over from Dragonwife. By this time the tiny tots have called it a night and we start having older kids coming to the door. I swear some of guys seem to need to shave and if one more high school girl comes to my door in a hot custom showing cleveage I don't know what I will do.

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